Chances are when you were a kid you watched cartoons. Unless you were some kind of strange abused child that was kept in a shack outside and thrown biscuits and mustard every 5 or 6 hours.
And if you were a kid watching cartoons in the 90’s you know 2 things about the cartoons you watched:
1. They were AWESOME.
2. They were RETARDED.
Sure, some were more ridiculous than others ( I mean they are cartoons) but nothing is quite as mindbogglingly stupid and JAWSOME than:
Having mutant animals that fight crime was apparently pretty tits in the 80’s and 90’s, since many see the Street Sharks as a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle “ripoff”. They’re obviously influenced by TMNT, but I wouldn’t go as far as calling them a ripoff. TMNT, though ridiculous in their own right, have stood the test of time. Street Sharks? Not so much. But that’s because there was no heart.
Like Transformers, The Street Sharks cartoon was made solely to sell a toyline from Mattel. So right off the bat you could forget about quality television.
We all know the story of the Ninja Turtles. A wise Japanese rat finds 4 pet shop turtles in the sewer covered in a canister of ooze. This causes them to mutate. The rat teaches them to be ninjas, they love pizza, they fight the Shredder and other baddies from Dimension X, Cowabunga, all that good stuff.
Here is the story of the Street Sharks:
A university professor named Dr. Paradigm tested his gene-manipulation techniques on a marlin and a lobster (because what the fuck else is there to do). Dr. Bolton (first name Michael?), a fellow professor, attempted to destroy Paradigm’s research, and was transformed into an inhuman monstrosity by the evil scientist before escaping. Paradigm later kidnapped Bolton’s four sons — John, Bobby, Coop, and Clint — to transform them into sharks (because that’s just completely logical).
As soon as they transformed, the four brothers ate a hotdog stand and fled from the police by diving into a lake and burrowing their way into the city by eating the dirt. The brothers planned to capture Paradigm so that they could force him to return them to their human selves and expose Paradigm’s genetic experiments.
There’s RIPSTER, JAB, STREEX, BIG SLAMMU, AND FLEX BOW-STRONG!
Ok, I made up that last one.
Besides the ridiculousness of the story, what makes the Street Sharks so passe’?
Well THEY’RE FUCKING TERRIFYING.
Seriously. They’re fucking sharks. EVERYONE is afraid of sharks.
Sharks are soulless. They simply live to kill. You ever see a shark’s eyes?They have lifeless eyes,like a doll’s eyes.Until they bite you,and the eyes roll over.Then there’s the horrible scream,and the water turns red. And despite all the pounded and hollering,all the sharks come in,and rip you to pieces.
Out of ALL the animals in the animal kingdom, who pitched a cartoon about crime fighting sharks?
Turtles are slow, quiet, and somewhat harmless. They’re even kinda cute.
Fuckin’ baby Shark?
So what’s MORE terrifying than a shark? Well, they’re blood curling beasts, but thank god they can’t walk on lan—-
They have fucking LEGS! THEY’RE RUNNING THE FUCK AFTER US AND THEY’RE GOING TO KILL US WITH THEIR PECTORALS AND SWOLL ARMS!
They’re a nightmare. Even if they’re “good” guys, I feel just seeing them in person would make me shit my pants in fear.
Which could be a good thing. Imagine The Shredder seeing these guys….
Shit. Imagine Batman seeing these guys. He dedicated his whole life to be a terrifying creature of the night. Something to strike fear into the hearts of criminals.Then these assholes showed up.
Bruce Wayne: People need dramatic examples to shake them out of apathy and I can’t do that as Bruce Wayne, as a man I’m flesh and blood I can be ignored I can be destroyed but as a symbol, as a symbol I can be incorruptible, I can be everlasting.
Alfred Pennyworth: What symbol?
Bruce Wayne: Something elemental, something terrifying, something–
Alfred Pennyworth: Jawsome, Master Wayne?
Bruce Wayne: Yes. I shall become a street shark.
The Street Sharks also made it vocal on how much they hated pizza, an obvious knock to the TMNT. They’re favorite food was Hot Dogs and Hamburgers!
And probably fucking PEOPLE….
I always thought they should have an episode where the Street Sharks save the day, you know, defeating a giant octopus or whatever the fuck they fought, and they would be celebrating and one of them would just eat someone in their excitement. Just gobble them right the fuck up. And the others would just stop and stare in befuddlement. AND IT WOULD JUST END.
How the FUCK do you say “Streex” anyway? Like, “streaks”?
I must say though, JAWSOME is a great equivalent to COWABUNGA.
I remember getting a street shark puppet thing for my birthday when I was a kid.
I find it funny that the box states it “chews guns into scrap”. I imagine some kid in a bad part of town wore these street sharks like gloves so he’d feel safer on the walk home from school.
Even though I remember playing with it somewhat often, I also remember just gazing into it dull shark eyes and thinking what a terrifying creature this truly was. They were so huge and angry looking. And those teeth. My god those teeth.
Whenever I was afraid when I was a kid, I’d take my Ninja Turtle Pillow buddy with me to sleep to “protect” me. I didn’t take the fucking street shark. Shit, street sharks were probably what my Ninja Turtle was ‘protecting” me from.
Anyway it lasted for 3 seasons, and though it’s not very popular, it is fondly remembered by those who simply…well….remember it. So I tip my hat to street sharks. Even though they’re scary as shit and would probably doom mankind if they actually existed, I must say they are somewhat JAWSOME.