Let The ‘Mania Take Hold…

I was taking a nice long stroll through my neighborhood yesterday when suddenly I stubbed my toe on a piece of unfinished sidewalk construction. I shrieked in pain at what had just happened but quickly regained my composure.

That sidewalk had been like that for months. No progress had been made.

When I reached the end of the block the high school across the street had a group of students that began shouting homosexual slurs at me. I put my head down and walked faster, trying to ignore the insults being hurled in my direction.

Is this America? Is this the country I live in and supposed to love?

I work for people who only care about their own personal benefits. A job where I’m merely a pawn and I’m pushed aside. People like me need someone to look up to. We need a real American. We need someone who will fight for the rights of every man.

The next presidential election is around the corner, and I have a new candidate:


Hulk Hogan is a real american. He was born in Augusta, Georgia the most american place in the world AND it’s where the Statue of Liberty was originally manufactured.

Hulk Hogan never had any parents either. Hulk Hogan always was. Like clouds or stars, Hulk Hogan simply existed. Scholars say he was born around August 11, 1953 making him 58 years old, but nobody knows for sure. Hulk Hogan agrees out of pity. Just so these Scholars could feel like they truly accomplished something.

Hulk Hogan spent most of his childhood (though he was never a child, he was always a man) carrying large boulders to the top of high mountains. When he got to the top he securely fastened the boulders to the mountain tips, therefore making the mountains taller and massive. Hulk Hogan did this to nearly 47 well known mountainous areas throughout the United States all before the age of 3.

After the creation of the Appalachian mountain region, Hulk Hogan wiped his face with the bed sheets of Hollywood heartthrob Betty Grable THUS CREATING THE AMERICAN FLAG which went on to be our nation’s symbol of freedom and hope. Hulk Hogan, now age 7, created the fast food franchise WENDY’S on a whim after losing a bet with Dick Clark. Of course Hulk Hogan didn’t actually lose the bet, he just wanted to know what losing felt like. This was also the same year that Hulk Hogan got into a bar fight with Amelia Earhart, which caused him to punch her so hard that he ripped the space-time continuum and sent her back into a prehistoric era, in which Hulk Hogan also existed, which lead to Earhart being stuck in a time-punch loophole that she continues to endure today.

By age 15, Hulk Hogan invented the word “Brother”. A term used when referring to a mate or friend blood related or not. It was also discovered that the sound of Hulk Hogan ripping his t-shirt cured most types of hepatitis . By age 18, Hulk Hogan had given the world the gift of COLOR. The world was seen as a dull monochromatic grayscale prior to Hulk Hogan giving such wonder. The world united as one and awarded Hulk Hogan with a leather belt made out of pure gold conceived by the finest blacksmiths, goldsmiths, and willsmiths across the land. We called it the “World Wrestling Federation Championship” and Hulk Hogan was it’s first and only owner.

Hogan reigned for hundreds of years. But it was in January of 1984 when Hulk Hogan locked horns with a giant half man half serpent named The Iron Shiek. Hulk Hogan destroyed the iron man serpent with a thunderous leg drop that separated Pangaea into the world as we know it today. Hogan then lifted his giant treasure scepter to the sky and banished the Iron Serpent Sheik man to the bowels of Hades where he had to endure an eternity of eating Batman the movie the cereal. Though this was seen as a day of triumph through tragedy, we Americans declared that this day fourth shall be know as “HULKAMANIA”.

The Great Hulk Hogan dated 794 AD

Years past as Hulk Hogan collected thousands of awards for his landmark films such as Mr. Nanny, Suburban Commando, The Thunder in Paradise Trilogy, 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain and many more. Each of his films are ranked at #1 by Empire magazine as the 10 Best Movies Ever Made. Hulk Hogan is always #1, therefore his #1 has ten separate categories all ranked at #1 but in different orders. Hulk Hogan also received 57 Oscars for Best Actor, Best Supporting Actor, and Best Film every year for the past 17 years even when he didn’t have a movie out. It was also published that a inner city school for the blind was miraculously cured when viewing Hulk Hogan’s episode of Walker, Texas Ranger in 2001 when he played Boomer Knight a lovable gruff. That episode of Walker, Texas Ranger also won an Oscar for best film even though it wasn’t even a film.

Hulk Hogan also broke records in the music industry. His iconic theme song, “Real American” a song recorded by Hogan himself with nothing but a conk shell and dental floss, became the nation’s national anthem in 1985. Hogan was also noted for teaching Pop music legend Michael Jackson the moonwalk 15 minutes before performing at the Motown 25th Anniversary special. It has just been revealed that Hogan also wrote, recorded, and performed every song that was thought to have been done by The Beatles. It turns out Hulk Hogan was such a modest man that he wrote and recorded nearly 245 original tracks in one day and hired 4 British gentlemen as “stand ins” and released the tracks over the course of 13 years.

Hulk Hogan creating the best meal you'll ever eat.

Hulk Hogan’s other accomplishments include throwing Maculey Culkin’s career into a black hole, using his wise and divine powers to make Batman real, fighting the internet, and who could forget Hulk Hogan’s Superbowl Halftime show in 1992 that gained such high ratings that they awarded Hulk Hogan with the Vince Lombardi Trophy (later changing it to the “Hulk Hogan Shiny Oval Ball Award”).

One of the most memorable Hulk Hogan moments for me personally had to be the time he guest starred on “I Love Lucy”. It was 1985. He was sitting in his castle watching a Blu Ray copy of Back to the Future. He was so enthralled with time travel that he stood up from his thrown and walked into the film. He entered the Delorean, didn’t even have to set up the time coordinates, and he time traveled back to the set of “I Love Lucy” in April 1952. He guest starred in an episode titled “Let Love Be No Stranger”  as himself. His appearance gave the show it’s highest ratings ever. Hogan’s presence in the show also caused controversy after he turned the entire cast of “I Love Lucy” into African Americans.

Hulk Hogan’s john handcock signified the United States of America as the world’s leading country. So why not elect him for President? Personally I think President isn’t enough. I think Hulk Hogan should become Emperor of the United States of America and his reign should be eternity. If he was, this would be a country where I could hold my head high and not stub my toe on unfinished sidewalk construction. People tend to forget the importance Hulk Hogan has to this country, and frankly, the world. People forget HULKAMANIA is running wild WORLDWIDE.

Hulk Hogan invented stairs. And to invent stairs he invented the metric system. Not to mention Christopher Nolan’s “Inception” was based on a dream Chris Nolan had about Hulk Hogan that Hulk Hogan, actually using inception, planted in Nolan’s mind. And who can forget when Hulk Hogan picked up and slammed Andre The Giant. Andre was 17,899 pound dimension traveling congressman. He came to earth to try and rule it. But Hulk Hogan gave him the old What How by dropping him on his head and boxing his ears.

Hulk Hogan was fooling around in the kitchen one day and invented NUTTER BUTTERS

What about the time Ultimate Warrior hijacked Apollo 13 and Hulk Hogan had to go stop him? That’s an event that’s often overlooked by historians. We thought the Russians had us beat. Ultimate Warrior was terrorizing our astronauts in space. But Hulk Hogan flew into space without so much as even a suit, and threw the Ultimate Warrior in the rings of Saturn never to return again. That was a day where America was on pins and needles. But way had an enormous sigh of relief…thanks to Hulk Hogan. Hulk Hogan also seen the future in ruins and the only way to prevent it was by killing Jim Henson. A sad day, but you got to do what you got to do.

So that’s why Hulk Hogan should run for forever President of the Earth.

-Hulk Hogan is the reason for the golden age of comic books

– Hulk Hogan invented Baseball and Root Beer

– Hulk Hogan scissor kicked Bea Arthur into the sun

-Hulk Hogan wrote and directed The Dark Knight

-Hulk Hogan choreographed the “Thriller” music video

– Hulk Hogan made a cloak that gave him the ability to create an aperture into the dimension of darkness and to dispatch persons into the darkness dimension. He also gained the abilities of intangibility, and the teleportation of himself and others through the dimension of darkness.

Hulk Hogan: America’s First Son.

Who’s gonna vote for Hulk Hogan?




2 thoughts on “Let The ‘Mania Take Hold…

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