It been nearly 2 years since my grandpa has passed. He was a friendly, funny, and generous man. I was thinking about him today for some reason.
Well, I was mostly thinking of his standard end-all solution of life’s problems: by punching it in the nose.
My grandparents didn’t know much about me. They knew my name was Chris. They knew I was their grandson. Maybe there’s some other little scattered facts here and there but that’s about it.
I remember my grandpa never giving me the best advice. Whether I would mention failing a test, a schoolyard bully being mean to me, or even not getting that job interview, he’d always have the same advice:
“That (insert person here) better give my grandson a (insert what I wanted to obtain) or I’ll punch him in the nose!”
Truly words of wisdom.
I would usually shake my head and laugh to this. And if my mom was present she’d usual say that “violence wouldn’t solve anything.”
But what if it did?
The thing I regret most is never taking him up on the offer.
What if I made my grandpa a fucking nose punching machine?
Grandpa: Gee, Chris, what’s wrong?
Chris: Oh, Grandpa, there’s this kid that keeps making fun of how short I am. He keeps calling me a “shrimp” and pushes me.
Grandpa: Make fun of my grandson will he? Well tell him if he doesn’t stop Imma come down there and punch him in the nose!
Now, let’s think about this. What if I did that?
What if the next day I told that bully to stop or my grandpa would come down here and punch him in the nose.
Shit, I don’t even know if my grandpa knew where I went to fucking school now that I think about it. And I lived with him bee tee dubs.
But what if my Grandpa came to my school. Walked onto the playground wearing his Member’s Only jacket and newsies hat and straight up punched an 8 year old right in the nose. That would’ve taught the little bastard to stop picking on me.
Unethical? Yes. But it would probably work. And this is ‘merica, land of progress.
Apparently my grandpa thought the brain was located in the nose. And the fist was a tool used to give those befuddled “the ‘ol what for”. An epiphany if you will.
What if I brought him to job interviews? What if I didn’t want to pay the check? He’s an old man. Nobody’s going to argue, much less, fight him.
“Grandpa, this guy won’t give me a job. He says I’m not qualified enough.”
“My grandson not qualified enough?! You’re the most qualified person I know!”
What about all the silly girl problems I had?
“Grandpa, this girl I like won’t go out with me. She says I’m ugly.”
“Ugly?! My grandson is the most handsome boy in the world!”
“Grandpa, that girl you punched in the nose and made her see the light? Well, now she says I got her pregnant! I didn’t do that!”
“She says you got her pregnant? My grandson’s the least most pregnant boy in the world! I’m gonna punch her in the nose!”
“Aim lower, grandpa!”
I can’t help but think that life would’ve been a lot easier if I took advantage of this situation. But now I know. When I’m an old man, I’m going to punch everyone in the nose to get my way.
How bad could the advice he’d given have been? I think I had a revelation.
I bet you my grandpa is looking down on me and smiling.
Because he got into heaven…
By punching Jesus in the nose.