A Mighty Morphin’ Autopsy

mmprbanner copyI dissected a 1993 Mighty Morphin’ Power Ranger action figure and took pictures of it. That’s it. That’s what this is.

If you’re ready for this nonsense lets move forward…

I purchased a set of original 1993 Mighty Morphin’ Power Ranger figures for $15. Now,  understand I did not want the set.  I simply wanted the Green Ranger. But, for whatever reason, the seller wouldn’t separate them. Perhaps he wanted to get rid of this dirty and scuffed figure rainbow plaguing his store in one simple transaction. Yet I’d like to think he believed in the importance of teamwork and to never leave your fellow ranger behind.

Either way, I now have my Green Ranger and thus planted the idea seed for this article. Not too shabby for $3.50 per Power Ranger.

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This is the Red Ranger I was forced to purchase. Upon examining my toys, I came to the conclusion he was the most battle damaged. A lot of paint chips, a broken belt buckle, and creaky limbs etc. No amount of Clorox wipes, soap, hot water, or toothpaste could return him to his Mighty Morphin’ passable self. After inspecting him I exclaimed, “Gee, there’s a lot of screws in this guy…” and that’s how Jason The Red Ranger became the cadaver. I decided to make a long article about it on my dead website. Go Go Power Rangers! 

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“I say we do!” “I say we don’t!”

More context because I’m longwinded: I love dissembling things. I have since I was a child. I do not know why. I enjoy the process of taking my toys apart, examining what made them what they were, and reassembling them. Could this be because of some deep seeded physiological trauma? A coping mechanism perhaps? Remember Dunkaroos? I graduated from simple action figures to game consoles and handhelds when I was in my late teens. And that led to soldering, cleaning, (aesthetically) customizing, and modding. My most recent project was completely refurbishing two Nintendo Game and Watches. If doing something along the lines of this interests you, my advice would to be to start cheap and have your subject be something you don’t mind messing up. Like…a beat-up $3 Power Ranger action figure. Speaking of that (oh yeah) let’s continue…

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The screws that were holding together this Power Ranger for 27 years. Thank you for your service, boys.

It only took me a few minutes to completely disassemble this figure. And, when the deed was done, it still supported itself nicely. I assume the figure was being held together by 27 years of sticky candy coated finger residue and dried up bubble bath.

WARNING: GRAPHIC IMAGERY 

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I grew up with a couple of these Power Ranger figures and I always loved the heft of them. They were 8 inches tall, great articulation, and decent detail. They were action figures in every sense of the word. And I think that’s why nowadays one in the package is rare and one in good condition is pricey. Because these guys were played-the-heck-out of with. Wow, read that previous sentence. It’s terrible. These weren’t little 3 3/4th  inch stormtroopers with swallowable accessories. You could grip these guys around the waist and have them kick the shit out of your little cousin. POWER Rangers, man. Truly.

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Hollow inside. Turns out I have more in common with the Red Ranger than I previously believed.

In conclusion, it was pretty interesting to dissect a piece of your childhood. This figure actually turned out to be a little more intricate than I previously predicted. Reassembly is also pretty simple. And upon further inspecting the parts, this could be a great way to really refurbish these figures to their original glory. That being said, the thing to take away from reading this article is that I now own the Green Ranger action figure I truly wanted. And, deep down, isn’t that what we all wanted? That’s rhetorical by the way.

Thank you for reading about me literally taking apart a 27 year old action figure. Most of what I write is pointless, but I honestly believe this might just be the most pointless thing I’ve ever written.

I love it.  

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Rest In Power.

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Ninja Turtles Electronic Pinball

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Click to read my review of an itsy bitsy Ninja Turtles pinball machine! Also imagine a grown man posing his Michelangelo action figure several ways for the pictures in this article. It’s not sad at all. Coin-a-bunga, dudes!

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I Ate Ninja Turtles Kid Cuisine

I’ve yet to come across someone from my generation that doesn’t know what Kid Cuisine is. Whether recalling the penguin mascot on the box or the icy blue plastic tray it came in, others recollections of it are surprisingly fond. And with so many iconic childhood brands going the way of the dodo, it’s remarkable that you can still find Kid Cuisine nestled comfortably in your local freezer section.

I know this because I just bought one from my local freezer section.

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This site has hit an all time low.

No, I didn’t buy it because I had a hankering for soggy cardboard cheese pizza. Nor did I get a craving for soupy slimy mac and cheese. I didn’t yearn for spongey chicken nuggets and a “brownie” so hard it could break a kitchen window. I bought it because it featured the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. And anyone that knows me understands you can slap a Ninja Turtle on anything and I’ll buy it. Case and point: Kid Freaking Cuisine.

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A Kid Cuisine Vanity Shot.

I was never particularly fond of Kid Cuisine. I think I just felt, as a kid, it was my duty to eat Kid Cuisine. It’s right there in the title after all. This time around after a nostalgic conversation with my girlfriend I found myself in the “frozen dinner” section for curiosities sake. Lo and behold, towards the bottom of the freezer they be for a mere $1.97. The presence of Ninja Turtles coupled with the diarrhea the meal would surely cause reinforced my purchase. And to bring everything full circle I realized I could write about this on my virtual tumbleweed of a website. Now as I put this in writing I realize it is very sad.

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The activity I did located on the back of the box whilst waiting for my dinner.

I put my tray in the oven at 350 degrees for 30 minutes. I crushed the activity on the back of the box in about 25 seconds. Writing the Turtles names and weapons down? Please! I scoffed confidently. I pondered why I was doing this exactly. That took some time. Before I could come up with any discernible answer my food was about ready.  And here it is…

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It’s food! (?)

For anybody who wants the details it’s Cowabunga Popcorn Chicken with fries, corn, and Shell Shocked Chocolate Cookies. You’d think a Ninja Turtle themed meal would contain PIZZA. But at this point I realized I was giving too much thought to my frozen children’s meal. I mean, I probably have the longest review on a Kid Cuisine out there right now. And if that’s true, it’s an accomplishment I’ll relish to the grave.

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The new TMNT logo was on the “Shell Shocked” cookies. That was the peak for me.

Now, I’m no food critic. I don’t have sophisticated tastes (I took pictures of a Ninja Turtle doll next to a frozen dinner). I grew up on Happy Meals and think Taco Bell is high culinary art. But I do like to watch Gordon Ramsey television shows. So I have some training in that regard.

THE GOOD

  • The tray is blue. Which is fun. Most trays are not blue.
  • The Cowabunga Popcorn Chicken could be kinda sorta maybe passable with a decent dipping sauce.
  • The Ninja Turtles were on the box. And their logo was on the “cookies”.

THE BAD

  • Everything tasted like the packaging it came in.
  • Corn tasted like packing peanuts. The fries were bland mush. The cookies were literally a bag filled with nobody’s favorite part of an off brand Oreo.
  • I felt sad eating it.

To be frank, it was awful. But it was just a microwavable kids meal for $1.97. And when you’re a kid…you’re picky and your taste palette sucks. So maybe this would be passable to the average 5 year old I don’t know. Taking what I remember about previous Kid Cuisines, I would’ve had a pizza, that weird brownie thing (with some green “ooze” icing) and maybe a Ninja Turtles sticker/trading card/temporary tattoo in the box.

In conclusion, I can’t believe I’m writing about this much more posing it for pictures. I guess it adds to the eccentric charm of my website. I’m not going to recommend this to adults or children. And with the “clean and healthy” eating angle my generation pushes, I’m sort of astonished that these are still around. I’m not saying that because I think you shouldn’t feed trash to your kids, I’m simply saying there’s much tastier trash you could be feeding your kids.

This is just the consequences of being a shill to a brand you love. A slave to my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Cowabunga, dudes. Cowabunga.

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