Monsters With A Side of Fries

In October of 1997, fast food chain Burger King featured four Universal Monsters as kids’ meal toys. Universal Studios was in the process of reviving their catalog of classic horror films by remastering them for various official VHS releases. These fast food toys, amongst other various promotions, were Universal’s way of introducing the classic monsters to younger audiences as well as rejuvenating interest within the pop culture psyche. 

But I’m not here to talk about that really . 

I’m here to explain why a grown man decided to write about 25 year old fast food toys for the sheer fun of it. When writing, I often make humorous attempts to explain as to why I am what I am, taking (not so) subtle jabs at my interests and hobbies. They come off almost apologetic to the reader. I might do that because I realize my topic is a niche that mostly everybody couldn’t care less about. I might know that because I’ve literally seen energy drain from one’s face while I’m speaking to them about said topic. 

But you’re here. And you’re reading this. And I appreciate that. 

So, with this article, I’d like to go on the record as to deduce why these cheap molded pieces of plastic mean so much to me. And I’ve chosen Burger King’s Universal Monsters Toys because they might just be my favorite toys of all time. Yet it’s not just because of glow-in-the dark paint or a plastic coffin, as cool as those are, it’s the time and place they put you in. So grab some fries, join me, and let’s make sense of this together… 

Down for the Count Dracula. Bolts and Volts Frankenstein. Wolf Man Cellar Dweller. The Creature Scaly Squirter. These are their actual names because God Bless America. 

I couldn’t tell you when I decided Halloween was my favorite holiday. It was kinda like the hiccups. It just happens. Growing up, Burger King was my favorite fast food restaurant. From the fries, burgers, and chicken tenders…I always felt Burger King just did it better than the golden arches. Though the ultimate deciding factor within my little universe was what toys were being offered. I may have a hankering for a Happy Meal, but who wants another stinkin’ Hot Wheel when BK has The Universal Monsters?! Then these toys meant hours of fun playtime adventures…but today they function as tiny personal plastic time machines. 

When I see these Universal Monsters they bring me right back to the passenger seat of my mom’s Buick Skylark. It’s a chilly midwest evening sometime in October. We’re sitting in the Burger King drive thru waiting for our order. At this point in time, this was sort of our new tradition. There was a small notepad in the glove compartment. Scrawled within were home addresses within a reasonable driving distance. The addresses consisted of wildly decorated homes for the Halloween season. Not just some plastic tombstones and cobwebs. This was some truly theatrical stuff. Strobe lights. Fog machines. 6 foot monster dummies. Entire spooky scenes! Serious business. It began with a couple homes casually stumbled upon through The Great Pumpkin’s glory. Sometimes my mom would catch a segment on the local news and she’d quickly jot down the address. And in just a couple years the list grew to a solid nine or so residences. 

Come Friday or Saturday evening in the midst of October she would nonchalantly ask if I wanted to “go look at houses”. She didn’t have to ask. This was one of my favorite things to do all year. I rarely trick or treated. There were no parties I’d attend. I was too afraid of Haunted Houses. When it came to Halloween, I realized I was an observer. I loved to take in others enjoying the holiday in their own festive ways. It’s probably why the smell of rubber bats and skeletons shame any essential oils when it comes to obtaining relaxation.  

We’d hop in the car and I’d immediately rifle through her compact nylon case of cassettes. Shuffling past Van Halen and The Fugees to find the tape with one of those cheap cardboard slipcases. A Halloween album purchased at the counter of a drug store for a bargain because all the songs were mediocre covers. You know the one. Yet, for this tradition, it was as important as the car keys. With some rewinding and the beginning of an off-brand Monster Mash fading in, we disappeared into the eerily quiet Autumn evening.  

Which brings us back to that Burger King drive thru. Waiting for our order. Chicken tendies Kids Meal. That smell of fresh hot french fries entering the car. The bag slightly fogging up my side of the window. I eagerly pull out the familiar toy bag. The warm plastic has the faint texture of oil and grains of salt. I gush over my newly acquired Count Dracula. My mom’s more interested in stealing some of my fries. A bootleg  “Purple People Eater” cover plays softly through the car speakers. At this point, the Universal Monsters were not “new” to me by any stretch of the imagination. At this age I was strictly banned from watching horror movies, yet the Universal classics were fair game. My mom told me tales of her preteen indulgences in the “Late Night Creature Feature”. Therefore, she deemed the antics of Karloff, Lugosi, and Chaney tame by “modern” standards and acceptable for a young chap such as myself. And, with that, these ghouls and their respective midnight movies became a shared interest, a bond if you will, between child and parent. Especially during the Halloween season. 

And, once again, we were off. Rubber to road. Sustenance in hand. A budget rendition of “Ghostbusters” to bob our heads to. Our destinations were the collective creepy creative concoctions only Halloween and its faithful followers could bring. I eagerly munched a chicken tender, feeling grateful for my mother’s navigation of the uneven pothole ridden streets. When pulling up to a home, I took in the gory ghoulish glory peeking out of my passenger window. Sometimes, if feeling courageous, I would roll it down to get a better look. But too deathly afraid to leave the safety of the car and approach the spooky scenes. Graveyards looking as if they were ripped straight from the “Thriller” music video. Lifelike vampires, witches, and werewolves appeared so real I was afraid they’d lunge straight for my throat! Yet, despite all that creepy coolness, the memories that stuck with me most were the drives between the scenes. When we’d wrap up seeing a house and I’d rewind a cassette track. Fantasize in my head about a monster coming to life and chasing us from the yard…making for our narrow escape. Our short conversations pointing out our favorite home so far. Ideas of what we’d do if we had the yard (or money) to showcase our devotion to Halloween for everyone to see. The quiet moments where I’d gaze out my window into the seemingly endless night. Getting lost in fantasy that perhaps a monster, much like the plastic one I gripped, was roaming the dark mysterious roads. The comfort of being with my mom. The sound of fallen leaves crunching below me. The common sight of jack o’lanterns smiling back at me. And knowing, nah, believing that anything could happen during the Halloween season. To know full well that magic doesn’t exist, but to feel like I experienced some form of it. 

With patented childlike persistence (and annoyance to my mom and grandmother that comes with it), I managed to collect Dracula, Frankenstein, and the Wolfman (two in fact! Wolfmen?). The Creature was the one to elude me, yet I did manage to “battle” a friend’s Creech during an indoor recess. Back when we’d sneak in small toys to fidget with throughout the school day. A physical reminder of the fun and freedom the “outside world” granted us from within the dull monotonous Chicago public school system. Besides action features, the Monsters came with glow-in-the-dark stickers that proudly adorned a few school folders for the remainder of the 1997 school year. But, like everything, time faded those stickers. The Universal Monster figures became buried by newly acquired plastic playthings. And, while certainly not forgotten, I lacked the foresight as a child to value the meaning behind them. Afterall how could I be nostalgic for the “good ‘ol days” when I was currently in them? 

The “Halloween House Hunting” tradition was soon to follow. Spookless joyrides led to crossing off addresses within our trusty notepad. The car crawling in front of a dark house and checking if we had the right address became more common than any plastic skeleton or latex limb. We’d reason with each other that perhaps they moved…or maybe someone passed away. Until the season came where we decided to stop altogether. Another victim to the hands of time. But with no styrofoam tombstone to commemorate its existence. 

I told you earlier I don’t know when I decided Halloween was my favorite holiday. But, at least, you get an idea of why it is. Yet there’s something that,ultimately, depresses me when writing about it. It could be the simple realization that not only are these days far gone, but the people and places are as well. And, as I get older, the memory becomes more and more muddled. Details become lost or substituted to the point where it nearly becomes fabrication. It could also be a disappointment, I have for myself, that my personal cherished memories stem from cheap molded plastic rather than the people who surrounded me. The truth that a compilation video of old commercials moves me more than a family photo album. But, at the same time, these little aspects of capitalism are triggers for more meaningful memories. An answer as to why one of my favorite pastimes is digging around a plastic toy bin at any comic convention or flea market. I don’t think there’s been an instance of toy scrounging where I haven’t bored my wife with a story or my best friend and I exchange childhood memories like NBA POGS. I guess it’s just how I’m wired. 

I’ve recently revisited some of the homes I recalled on those spooky special fall nights. I’d foolishly approach them believing that, just maybe, they’ll look just as they used to be. But all the optimism didn’t change the fact that they currently sit shrouded in shadow. Not even a jack o’lantern present to grin back at me. As for the Burger King Universal Monsters figures, I own them because of course I do. They’re not the originals I had as a kid. I managed to pick up a full bagged set about 10 years back. And I can’t recall whom I was with, but I’m sure I talked the poor soul’s ear off about them….just like I’m doing to you. I rarely get Burger King these days on account of all the Burger King I ate collecting Pokemon and Universal Monster toys. But, sometimes, when I’m yearning to have diarrhea I’ll pull through the drive thru. And everytime that familiar smell of fresh french fries invades my car I’d get that feeling again. That’s Halloween. Let’s pop in that cassette. Let’s go look at houses. Let’s feel that magic that only belongs to me. 

And just like everything mentioned, we’ll all eventually succumb to the time. And these cheap molded pieces of plastic may not be immortal like Count Dracula, but they’ll seem like it…to me at least. So, for now, I’m sharing with you these simple silly monster figures. They’re keys. And they’ll always unlock this very memory. No matter how faded it eventually becomes.

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Comment below and let me know about your special item and why it means so much to you… 

Ad Nauseam: Ultimate Spider-man #4

You’re not going to believe this, but, it seems there’s been a sort of mishap in regards to the current edition of Ad Nauseum. We’re not heading back to the 1990s to reminisce in the murky nostalgic mirth of discontinued candy, cereal, and action figures. No, my friends, for it is a new millennium! With Y2K upon us, I hope you’ve unplugged your computer…hid your savings under the mattress…and sent your Furby back to the circle of hell from whence it came. Because we’re swinging into Ultimate Spider-man #4 released February 2001

Marvel Comic’s line of Ultimate titles were “reboots” of some of their most iconic characters. The idea was to gain a new generation of readers with a clean slate. Gone were the high issue counts and 40+ daunting years of extensive history. With a new millennium comes a fresh (yet familiar) contemporary beginning. 

Straight from my own personal collection, Ultimate Spider-man came at a crossroads in my life. An awkward age where I was deemed “too old” for comics and toys by family and peers. Yet too young to work, drive, and dip my toe into the “adult” multiverse. So reading a modern take about the adventures of a 15 year old Spider-man couldn’t have come at a better time in my life. 

So put on your fuzzy bucket hat, fold up your Razor Scooter, and sign onto MSN because it’s time to read about the mindless capitalistic trash offered in between the pages of Spidey’s webtastic adventures!

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X-Men: Evolution Backpack Clips! 

I’ve spent more time than I care to admit writing about X-Men fast food toys. C’est la vie. While always prominent amongst the comic crowd, X-Men were the comic cash cow in 2001 as their first blockbuster movie debuted just 7 months prior. With a sequel in the works and a brand new animated series airing, it was only a matter of time before Wolverine found himself in the bottom of a greasy paper bag once more.  

I can’t recall much of X-Men: Evolution other than it imagined the characters as (mostly) teenagers and didn’t have an earbug of a title theme. Thinking it was a step down from the prior X-Men series, I mostly ignored it. But I wish I hadn’t ignored these X-Tacular keychains. I was imagining which one I would want most, yet they all look X-Mazing in their own individual X-ways. Cyclops launches little X-Men logos (Don’t we all?), Pull a string to “spark” Storm’s eyes, Wolverine pops his claws, Toad shows some tongue action, and Mystique’s face “morphs” using those old bean-like slimes. The mutant action features are surprisingly clever and creative for something that X-clusively comes alongside a crushed greasy bag of cinnamon twists. I truly regret not having one of these dangling from my Chicago Bulls backpack. These days, I would buy a set on eBay to attach to my work bag, but I’m already in a committed relationship and don’t want more women falling in love with me. 

What’s It Worth @ WizardWorld.com!

I’ve covered Wizard World before yet find it difficult to not wax nostalgic about it when it naturally pops up in other Ad Nauseams. The context of “What’s It Worth?” was, simply, an online price guide for your nerd junk. By that I mean comics get your mind out of the gutter. Pre-internet you’d have to purchase expensive price guides (the newer volumes the more accurate) for comics, toys, and everything in between. I remember thumbing through a relative’s Star Wars action figure price guide sometime around 1997 and being awe-struck that such a thing even existed. “Wait, adults buy toys for themselves?” I thought. “And they keep them in the box?”.

It was like a dork version of The Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come paying me a visit…but revealing a vision of lonely virginity instead of my tombstone.

The internet changed the game, once again, by having up-to-the-minute price guides. Pull up your long box of comics and start adding everything up right then and there with a guide everyone can universally reference. That radically shakes up the collectors market, does it not? Nowadays, Wizard World is just an overpriced celebrity meet and greet. But, boy, do I miss what it used to be. Not only offering great traveling comic conventions and an awesome monthly magazine but easing right into the new millennium by creating a great online resource for collectors alike. Wizard was a true nerd mecca. But I suppose all empires fall eventually. Especially ones built around Spawn posters and Witchblade trading cards. 

I’d lastly like to note that ever since Universal Studio’s Harry Potter Theme Park opened, it’s been nearly impossible to find old information on Wizard World conventions and magazines. It feels like someone else’s childhood was literally paved over mine. I hope you’re happy, Rowling.   

Hey You, Pikachu! On Nintendo 64 

Nintendo always strives to do the impossible. They’ve made a stout hairy middle aged Italian American Plumber cute. And they’ve always been innovators within the world of video games. Hey You, Pikachu! was a prime example of just that. Was it good? No, not really. Was it fun? For a few minutes I suppose. Did anyone really want this type of Pokemon game? Not at all. Where was I going with this? Oh. Voice recognition. Nintendo created a special microphone that attached to your controller specifically for this game. And you used it to “talk” to Pikachu. That’s it. That was the game. 

Problem being a lot of “older” kids will blindly lop up any Pokemon game. And this was a pet simulator (of sorts) aimed at children under 10. At the time, I was getting out of the Poke-craze. The card game got too simplistic for me. The Gameboy games began to feel redundant. I didn’t want to take pictures of Pokemon. I didn’t want to talk to Pokemon. I wanted them to fight until they were no longer conscious. For I was a 13 year old boy afterall. So I felt, as did most of my peers, that Hey You, Pikachu! was for (excuse my language) Barney-loving-diaper-babies.

I actually talked to this game not too long ago. The voice recognition doesn’t really work. You can honestly say whatever you want to Pikachu and the game just plays out. I remember simply naming household objects to him to “strengthen our friendship”. We literally became besties when I rattled off my kitchen appliances. Do I recommend it to Pokemon fans and/or vintage gamers? Well, if you’re into making a yellow bunny rabbit sad by repeating “Ninja Blender Pro”, then this is the game for you. Other than that, it was an innovative yet failed experiment. But, hey, now you’ve seen the advertisement for it.  

Activision’s Spider-man Video Game

Alright, now we’re talking. 

At this point in time, Spidey wasn’t so lucky in the video game category. I personally can only recall Super Nintendo’s Maximum Carnage being a bright spot, but even that was just a side scrolling beat ‘em up. We had yet to have a game that made you feel like Spider-man. Enter Activision’s aptly titled Spider-man released in late summer of 2000. This video game was a Marvel Comic come-to-life and personally took my Spider-fandom to the next level. Video game puns. 

It felt like a three dimensional continuation of the 1994’s Spider-man animated series. With brilliant voiceovers, fun colorful cutscenes, tons of Marvel cameos, inside jokes, and unlockables all webbed together and narrated by Stan “The Man” Lee himself. I rented this game numerous times and eventually purchased it as a “Playstation Greatest Hit”. You can actually swing and climb walls in a 3D environment! You can hear Spidey’s constant quips! It realized an iconic character in three dimensions with a story crafted with care and sealed in a video game package that seemed to be made for fans by fans. And it was the talk of recess for quite some time. The strategies, secrets, cheat codes, and easter eggs. It felt like a fully realized world full of web spinning adventure. I often credit this game with kicking off a slow-burn Spider-mania which led to the Spider-man movie in 2002. Sure, that all could’ve been in my head. But the game was a huge hit critically and financially. And I believe that may have turned the right heads to get Spidey on the big screen. 

2000’s Spider-man is always a “must own” no matter what point I’ll be in my life. So seeing this ad in this comic? It made me realize why Spider-man is such a special character to me. So much good spider-stuff coming together and hitting me all at the right time. 

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Oops, I did it again. But this time we ventured into a new millennium! And would you look at that? My toaster didn’t chase me. My bank account didn’t vanish. The local Radioshack didn’t take over the neighborhood as emperor. The world is still here! And it’s very possible that we’ll return between the pages once more…someday. But I’m feeling a bit homesick. And I know there’s a 1992 issue of W.I.L.D.C.A.T.S  out there with advertisements practically screaming to be released into the cataclysmic void of my website. 

I hope you enjoyed reading about the 20 year old comic book ads found in Ultimate Spider-man #4. Wait…Did you know that 2001 was twenty years ago? Weren’t the 1980s twenty years ago? When did they change this? Wow. Hold me in your cyber arms, friend, this is getting scary

Ad Nauseam: Night Thrasher #4

Oh, hey there, I didn’t see you come in. What’s that? Oh, I was just thumbing through my eighteen issues of Night Thrasher comic books. “Who” you ask? Ah, well Night Thrasher is basically Batman without cool villains but makes up for it by riding a skateboard. Now I’m going to talk about the advertisements in this particular 27 year old issue. I do this semi-regularly. 

Hey, where are you going? You just got here! Why don’t you get comfortable and stay for a while. I have sweet tea in the fridge. 

NIGHT THRASHER #4/ NOVEMBER 1993

Tonight we’re looking in between the action of Marvel’s Night Thrasher #4 released in November of 1993. We’re going to hit all the nostalgic topics you’d expect: defunct toy stores, bad video games, and fast food tie-ins! What’s that? Why am I doing this? Well…why don’t buses have seatbelts? Why doesn’t McDonald’s sell hot dogs? Why is he called The “Lone” Ranger if he always has Tonto with him?

“Defensive”, you say? Well, kiddo, I only have one thing to say to you: Remember Seaquest?


seaQuest DSV!

First of all, DSV stands for Deep Submergence Vehicle. Glad that’s out of the way. Anywho, Seaquest (I’m typing it like this from now on) was a television show that ran for 3 seasons from 1993 to 1996. It took place in the scientific super-future of 2018 and was basically underwater Star Trek. It starred Roy Scheider (of Jaws fame) adding to my theory that he was clearly some sort of amphibious man-fish that needed quick access to salt water at all times. 

I included this ad as it was something I haven’t given a single solitary shred of thought since I last “watched” it. Seaquest, alongside Stargate SG-1, provided involuntary background noise that polluted the backroom of my grandfather’s currency exchange during my summer break days. I couldn’t tell you if this show was good or not (research shows it was popular for a hot second) but boy did it seem boring to an 11 year old. Apparently not even Darwin, Seaquest DSV’s genius talking Dolphin, could keep my attention for a full episode. And Darwin was mentioned so matter-of-factly on the wikipedia page that I had to do a double take. 

Nowadays Seaquest is some sort of aquatic zoo franchise throughout the US where you can book corporate events and birthday parties to touch otters and curse stingrays for taking Steve Irwin from us. Regardless of what Seaquest DSV means to people, it’ll always be sleepy television droning to me. Beats All My Children though. 

That last sentence sounds kinda dark. 

KayBee Toy Stores Ghost Rider Deal!

I’d like to point out that this issue of Night Thrasher stops dead in its tracks for a TWELVE PAGE ad for Ghost Rider’s comics and coupon deal. If anything, I’d say Night Thrasher himself acts as a mere husk for the Spirit of Vengeance and his aggressive marketing. It was around this time that Marvel paraded Ghost Rider quite a bit. Besides his main comic title, he was featured in SEVEN others! Not to mention his own toyline. So why was Marvel suddenly pushing the decades old Ghost Rider, you ask? SPAWN. Todd Mcfarlane’s series was the hottest comic on the planet. This new indie creation about a human unwillingly bonded with a demonic force under “Satan’s” power? Heck, that sounds like Ghost Rider. Well, that’s what Marvel thought too. And that’s why ‘ol Flamehead was everywhere in the mid 1990s. 

The ad featured is for a H O T D E A L in which you can bring the attached coupon into a KayBee toy store and get $5 off any Super Nintendo or Sega Genesis (when I was dead broke, man, I couldn’t picture this) game cartridge PLUS a Ghost Rider collectors comic issue! The combination of Ghost Rider swingin’ his chain near a Street Fighter II SNES box all below the KayBee Toys logo promotes this ad to the MEGA 90S NOSTALGIA HALL OF FAME. If there was some sort of physical shrine to my childhood memories…it would all be encompassed inside of a KayBee toy store. 

Till this day, if I’m visiting my childhood mall, I’ll always glance and visibly frown where the KayBee toy store used to be. I can recall the sound of electronic toys chirping ,grinding, performing on display as you walked in. Stepping onto that dirty royal blue carpeting stained from sugary Icee spills. Surrounded from floor to ceiling with various boxed toy trends spanning multiple eras. KayBee never got rid of anything. Employees just caked on those tiny white and red price stickers until the toy was basically free. I can place the three claustrophobic aisles leading to the back wall where you’d nearly be squashed by towering Care Bears and other assorted plush. Shuffling up to the cashier with your purchase, the entire counter area was littered with assorted candy, gags, keychains, and trading cards stacked at eye level for one last impulse purchase. I’d eagerly glance behind the cashier at the carefully lined wall of video game cartridges sitting in those hefty plastic cases. Scanning for suggestions I can rattle off for my birthday or Christmas. Man. What a vibe. I’m there, y’know? 

Pizza Hut X-Men Pizza Packs!

Pizza Hut has pizza with all the X-TRAS this ad boldly claims in an eye-catching two page spread that I would have framed hanging above my roaring fireplace. In my deep (dish) personal (pan) opinion, Pizza Hut was never the place to go for tie-in trinkets. Yet when they wanted to, Pizza Hut truly delivered (not only pizza) but some awesome X-TRAS as illustrated here. X-Men were as hot as the mozzarella on your slice with an awesome cartoon, toyline, and rebooted (sorta) comic series. For just $2.99 you can order a Kid’s pizza pack that consists of a personal pan pizza in a X-Men pizza box, One (of four) collector’s cups, an activity mat, and an X-Clusive X-Men comic (new issue every two weeks!). 

Around this time, the X-Men truly had a set of colorful characters brought to life by some amazing comic artists like Jim Lee, Andrew Wildman, Stephen Baskerville, John Herbet etc. that really made them stand out. From the logo to the backdrops and action poses…X-Men all came together and cemented the 1990s comic aesthetic many tried to duplicate. It’s a look and style that’s just so alluring to children and artists alike it’s no wonder why it was incorporated into toy, VHS, fast food, and trading card packaging. It just looked so intense and fresh. Personally I was never taken to a Pizza Hut unless it had to do with a Book It! coupon. And I was not aware of this promotion at the time. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t just go to eBay and see if someone had a set of these cups to purchase. Because, in my reality, nothing broadcasts culture more than one sipping from a 27 year old plastic Beast cup. Who would’ve thought the X-Men paired as well with pizza as the Ninja Turtles did? 

Bram Stoker’s Dracula THE VIDEO GAME

Man, seeing this ad made me remember how Francis Ford Coppola’s Bram Stoker’s Dracula was everywhere. It truly was considered a “blockbuster” in its time. I recall seeing that “gargoyle” Dracula head plastered in every comic, magazine, billboard, bus stop and movie theater for months. I even spotted toys of Dracula in his red armor and “wolf” form at my local Suncoast video. But being in my “afraid of everything” phase there wasn’t a chance I was going to see this movie anytime soon. I didn’t find out there was a video game for it until ages later. And growing into a monster fanatic I had to play it. 

I remember it being about as “good” as the film. I don’t know what the general consensus of Bram Stoker’s Dracula is. I sat down thinking I was about to watch the ultimate Dracula film experience. And although the sets, costumes, and effects were all top notch…I felt pretty unimpressed when it ended. In the same vein (ha!) The game was nothing special either. The ad boasts “photo-realistic graphics” and “awesome soundtrack”. I’m sure they’re referring to the Sega CD version, while I only played the Super Nintendo game. The ad challenges me to “Play It If You Dare” and I suppose it did what Dracula is known to do…suck.  

There’s actually a better version of this game called Nosferatu released on the Super Nintendo in late 1995. I never heard about it until I ventured into emulating. The only negative is knowing I’m not playing as Keanu Reeves. That being said, the Dracula “gargoyle” head and title design still gives me the heebie jeebies. That’s great design work. Just wish the movie could’ve lived up to that. 


Well, that’s another installment of Ad Nauseum in the books. What’s that? You enjoyed that more than you thought you would? Well, you know what? I thought you just might. 

And you can always find articles on the remnants of comic culture right here on ChrisDoesComics. What am I talking about? Oh, you just let me worry about that. Just don’t forget to leave your empty sweet tea glass by the sink before you go. Pardon? Oh, that’s right, your ankle chain. Let me just grab the key.