Ad Nauseam: Nightwatch #4

Welcome back inside the nostalgic bubble that I’m afraid to leave because change can be scary. But I want you to know it’s going to be okay because I have a Super Nintendo and a VCR.

In this installment we travel back to July 1994 where we gaze at ads featured in between the pages of comic books you could find stacked next to the overpriced Star Wars Micromachines at your local flea market. Worthless paper to some yet a wondrous time machine to others, these advertisements were probably something you skipped over when reading back in the day. But now they serve as reminders of simpler times through sweet sweet capitalism.

NIGHTWATCH Vol. 1 No. 4, July 1994

Our comic in question tonight is Nightwatch. A character with an obnoxiously long and overly complicated backstory, much like the blog posts you’re reading. Born from the pages of Web of Spider-man, his name was Dr. Kevin Trench, who witnessed a superhero die by the hands of terrorists.  When he unmasked the corpse he realized it was an older version of himself! Trench avoided becoming a superhero at all cost, but due to uprising crime, he decided he couldn’t avoid his destiny and donned the outfit becoming NIGHTWATCH.

Got it? Cool. Now let’s look at 24 year old advertisements together!

Disney’s The Lion King

The Lion King is quite possibly the peak of success for what has been coined The Disney Animated Renaissance that started with The Little Mermaid back in 1989.  From music and story to animation and art direction, this movie was A grade all around. Even with my humorous cynical outlook, I really can’t find any way to rag on The Lion King. Even the poster featured in this comic is captivating. It’s like Disney is looking down on every single animated film that came before it…and unleashing a solid tinkle stream upon it.

I remember the trailer being the Circle of Life opening of the film. I recall myself not wanting to see it because “it looked too realistic and boring”.  Of course my feeble childish brain was wrong. I didn’t know of any kid who didn’t see The Lion King that summer. Many use historic moments/tragedies to pinpoint where you were in life at thatmoment in time. I was staying with my aunt in Clearwater, Florida. I had a Lion King popcorn bucket in which the character of Timon was colored too dark of a brown. That bugged me more than it should’ve. I went to Burger King afterward, and my cousin was jealous that I got a Scar toy in my kid’s meal.

So I ask you this my friends, where were you when The Lion King was released?

Castlevania: Bloodlines on the Sega Genesis

I want to live in this flipping advertisement. 

It meets every single credential for the ChrisDoesComics lifetime achievement award: Spooky, 16 Bit Video Game, Dracula is involved, Headline is a Pun. 

The Castlevania series was something I got into at a much later time because I was an enormous baby that was afraid of everything. But I am grateful for getting into it at all. There’s just something about whipping bats and skeletons into flames that just really appeals to me. This installment was exclusively for the Sega Genesis and told the story of Dracula’s niece starting World War I by trying to resurrect him to take over the Earth. Can you smell Oscar? Can video games get Oscars? Can Dracula himself  at least get an Oscar?

There’s a very slim advertisement aesthetic that truly appeals to me, but I assure you, pumpkin farm spook house meets The Undertaker is IT. Finding this Castlevania: Bloodlines ad is like finding the best kind of pizza with no heartburn repercussions. I think I’m in love.

Beavis and Butthead Fleer Trading Cards

It wouldn’t be a comic ad article without trading cards!

What we’re witnessing here is peak popularity Beavis and Butthead. Untouchable Beavis and Butthead, if you will. While certainly a product of its time, Beavis and Butthead followed our titular heroes in various crude and trashy animated “adventures”  often being strung together by the two riffing popular music videos of the time. While it was crudely animated and the humor teetered on raunchy 4th-8th graders, I was the demographic and I thought it was top-of-the-line cutting edge comedy. Also having the show be “outlawed” by your mom and aired on MTV made it insta-cool.

Beavis and Butthead had everything from toys, video games, comics, and coffee mugs to beer cozies,  an album, underwear, and trading cards. I was barred from having any merchandise in its day (I was even reprimanded for saying the word “sucks“).  And though I was never into trading cards in my youth, you bet your sweet bippy I’d try to be sneaking a pack of these into the shopping cart. The series featured 150 cards featuring artwork pulled directly from the show’s animation cells with additional art and text.

MTV actually brought back the show in 2011. It ran for a season and while it was still “good” and refreshing to see Beavis and Butthead riff on modern pop culture, it’s simply a novelty that had its time.

Crunch ‘N Munch Marvel Edition

You like shoveling garbage into your face? I like shoveling garbage into my face too. You know what I like even more though? Getting rewarded for shoveling garbage into my face. And when you think about it, that’s kind of a bygone era. I mean, eating a peanut butter sandwich, a handful of Crunch ‘N Munch, and a Coke for lunch was never a nutritional thing, but if it led to some Wolverine trading cards and a Spider-man hat? I’ll eat that trash everyday. Difference is I can recognize the longterm health problems now.

The 1990s were a time where breakfast cereals seemed to compete for “Most Cavities Created“, Happy Meals still came with a cheeseburgers, and there was no drinkable water only soda. That’s not bragging, in fact, it’s kind of embarrassing. And having ads like this coupled with a soft impressionable child mind may be why my bones have the consistency of Ritz crackers and my pee smells like french toast. And while junk food is still stocked on our grocery store shelves, “rewards” like this aren’t slapped on the box.

That being said, I’d still gladly down a bucket of greasy chicken skin if it meant I can get a cheap Gambit keychain or Darth Vader flashlight. I don’t know if that’s the American or 90’s kid in me.


And just like that, our time together has come to a close. Listen, I really like seeing you and everything…and I realize just how special our bond is over 24 year old comic books ads. I mean, just coming out and saying that gets you a lot of rejections. So I tell you what, sometime soon we do this again, okay? Maybe it’ll be 25 year old ads…heck maybe 17 year old ads. Either way, you meet me right here. Promise?  *Boop!*

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Ad Nauseam: Toxic Avenger #3

You can read the last installment of “Ad Nauseam” here. 

The Toxic Avenger No. 3-June 1991

The 80’s and 90’s were an interesting time in American pop culture. It seemed like nearly every license (no matter how grossly inappropriate) was marketed to children in some form. R rated films like Robocop and Rambo had popular action figure lines, video games, and cartoons. Freddy Krueger had his own bubble gum. And I swear The Terminator was a step away from his own breakfast cereal (Cinnamon Furlongs).

Take our current subject: The Toxic Avenger. A janitorial nerd turned toxic superhero, the film was a crude, violent, and campy trip released in 1984 by (now infamous) shlock movie producer Troma Entertainment. It led to a franchise of movies, video games, toys, even a musical! Not too shabby being based off a B-movie that climaxed in a taco joint.

Toxie also starred in his own comic book series published under Marvel. Which brings us to The Toxic Avenger No. 3: Night of the Hardbodies! Published in 1991, Toxic Avenger was standing on his last radioactive leg of relevance. His prior success of meta-camp had run its course and while Toxie was “kiddfied” for his Toxic Crusaders animated series and comic, kids didn’t care for teenage mutant non-ninja people. Especially when they looked like Hulk Hogan fused with a stale green pepper.

But it’s whats on the inside that counts, right? And in our case it’s A D V E R T I S M E N T S.

So join me and this June 1991 issue of The Toxic Avenger (supplied by The Graveyard Machine ) as we crack open yet another “captivating” comic to casually stroll through a cacophony of capitalism captured in time! Thank Christ for Thesauruses.

Battletoads for the NES

Battletoads was great. Battletoads was hard. I love Battletoads. I hate Battletoads. Released for the NES in 1991, Battletoads was a game that positively reeked of ‘tude and being rad, man. As evidenced in this single paged ad, they knock the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and went on to declare that their game “TOADALLY KICKS BUTT!”. A bold move, yet Battletoads backed it up. This was a regular rent for me at Lion Video and when they had to make room for the Super Nintendo games, I was able to purchase the used copy of Battletoads I had rented so many times before.

Even though it had a stellar and popular game series (even a crossover with Double Dragon!) a pilot for an animated series was made in 1992 but never picked up by a network. The backstory for the game is oddly complex (lab techs made a Battletoads game, got sucked in by evil game developer, became the Battletoads to fight an evil queen) but the animated show took a much simpler approach in a way roided out frogs punching in outerspace only could. Perhaps a network didn’t want to bank on something that seemed so similar to TMNT, perhaps Street Sharks and Extreme Dinosaurs were simply better (how?), perhaps their names being RASH, PIMPLE, and ZITZ wasn’t endearing enough to executives.

I do not have these answers. But when it comes to the journey of the Battletoads I think we can all agree on one thing: They had the best pause music ever put in a game.

Disney’s The Rocketeer

In the summer of ’91 Disney released The Rocketeer based on Dan Steven’s nostalgic comic series. Since then its become a bit of a cult classic, and if you were outside at all in the Spring-Summer of 1991 you seen this beautiful art deco poster. The visual marketing for The Rocketeer was nothing short of artful. Posters like the one pictured were paraded on bus shelters, movie theaters, and billboards. It harkened back to suggest a “classier” time of marketing as the poster is not only alluring but could be displayed even if you didn’t care for the film its representing.

As for the film itself? It was okay. I wanted to love it. But I only liked it. Personally speaking, making a film with the flavor of Indiana Jones meets Iron Man sounds like a match made in heaven. Throw in Jennifer Connelly at her peak major babe-ness and a restaurant shaped like a giant Bulldog and what’s there not to like? Well, a decent amount unfortunately. The pacing was bad if I remember.

Disney fully embraced The Rocketeer for that summer. His helmet and jetpack adorned candy, comics, posters, and toys. He even flew into the sky for Disney’s MGM Studios fireworks show! But the film brought in a $6 million profit leading to future plans for The Rocketeer being cut short. Fans could still find little nods to the film in the current Disney Studios theme park but it’s simply not the same. If there’s a property to be rebooted, I’d go all in on The Rocketeer.

Exclusive Marvel Comics T-shirts

I can get myself a Groot shirt in 15 minutes. Yoda? Even less time. I’m not talking about clicking some buttons either. I can get in my car and drive 10 minutes to a Walmart, Target, Kohl’s etc and have a variable selection of nerd shirts for my purchasing needs. In Adult sizes mind you.

It wasn’t always like that.

If you wanted a Darth Vader shirt you had to order one through a Star Wars catalogue. If you wanted The Hulk you had to thumb through new issues, hope they had a design you liked, and fill out the order form. Then in 6-8 weeks you’d get your shirt in the mail. Maybe you had a local comic book store that carried some apparel. That was always a plus. You want a character like The Vision or Black Panther on a shirt? Good luck with that, buddy boy.

There was no insanely profitable Marvel Cinematic Universe or marginally profitable DC Red Headed Step Child Universe. Comics and superheroes were for kids. And besides a Batman or Superman logo on a shirt, nerdy apparel like that was limited especially for adults. Sometimes I have to step back and be grateful. I own a friggen Monster Squad shirt. How would you even begin to go about that in 1991?

So which one of the designs in this ad would you go for? Personally I’d be all over Silver Surfer. He was always a favorite of mine.

So when Spidey tells me to order a t-shirt, I order one. Spidey knows.

3 Musketeers Candy Bar

I always enjoyed when ads in comic books were also short comic books. It’s like a Big Mac interrupting your Whopper for a couple bites. Whatever, you know? I remember M&Ms, Crest Toothpaste, and various cereal mascots stepping into the titular adventure to direct my attention to whatever little BS they were doing. Werewolf By Night was just impaled with an ancient sword by Morbius The Living Vampire but, hold up, Toucan Sam’s gotta open this treasure chest on a pirate ship. Oh, it’s Fruit Loops? Because of course it is.

In the ad pictured we have NOT Indiana Jones discovering a lost Mayan tomb which houses a (historically accurate) giant 3 Musketeers candy bar. I’m not sure if you noticed but it says, “No. 5 in a series” and it really makes me wonder if there’s people out there who collect these ads. Or if there was a kid that was all, “Damn, I missed No. 4!”.

SleepWalker Comic Series

This one really caught my eye. Mostly because I assumed this was a spinoff in which Newt Gunray cosplayed as Skeletor. I have never heard of Sleepwalker but I was intrigued none the less. 27 years later and this ad still works. This character debuted in his own series which ran from June 1991 to February 1994.

So Sleepwalker is actually his race. He exists in The Mindscape. And essentially they’re the dream police. Please listen to the Cheap Trick song when finishing the rest of this article. Sleepwalker was tricked by a foe and mind-bonded with a New York college student and it created an excellent premise for a situational comedy on NBC. So the student goes to sleep and Sleepwalker takes over and fights crime.

That sounds pretty awesome. Cooler than when I sleepwalk but instead of fighting crime I put bananas in the dishwasher. Unfortunately, Sleepwalker doesn’t make many appearances outside of his 33 issues from 1991-1994. So if you’re reading this, that means this can be the character that you could latch onto and form a really underground hipster opinion of. I’m telling you, jump on that Sleepwalker train to coolsville. I did it with Dreadstar and I’m pretty cool (?). I’m spending way too much time typing about old comic ads that nobody will read. Ice cold cool. 

I’ll also throw out some names of 90’s superheroes because there’s space on my website: DARKHAWK, TERROR INC., QUASAR, NIGHT THRASHER, NAMORITA.

So many foil covers.


So that about covers the tantalizing toxic tidbits of what you’d find being advertised in The Toxic Avenger No. 3: Night of the Hardbodies! Thanks for reading my dumpster thoughts about garbage ads found in a 27 year old comic book. I’ll be back with another installment of Ad Nauseam in the future about things in the past. I’m sorry you wasted your time.

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Guide To Your Halfshell Hero

InstaDon
Time spent: Around 6 hours. But I can spend all day with the Ninja Turtles.

Took an idea I had of a Mega Man Blueprint piece I sold a couple years back and applied it to my favorite sewer dwelling teenage pizza eaters. You can now get a print of this at my store! If I ever have the energy (or time most likely) I’d love to do this for each brother! And judging from my last 3 pieces “puke green” as a background is a trend.

Stamp of Greatness