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01/30/2023

Ad Nauseam: Star Wars Insider #38

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The mid-nineties represented a reawakening for the Star Wars brand. The trilogy was remastered and released into theaters to coincide with a home video release. Accompanying that, of course, were waves of marketing that made the original release blush. With enough new merchandise to pack a Deathstar and the flannel draped galaxy-master himself, George Lucas, announcing a new film in the works, Star Wars had, once again, eclipsed popular culture.

But this wasn’t just some lazy modern nostalgic cash-grab as it was a way to introduce a new generation to the galaxy far, far away…and recapture the imagination and magic Star Wars brought nearly 20 years prior.

Star Wars was indeed special. A personal realization by experiencing this era firsthand. It was the first time my “newfound” interests were not only encouraged by adults…but shared with them. A time where I thought toys, video games, and comic books were solely for kids…yet shown that Star Wars was for everyone. Afterall, these adults were my age back in 1977. They were doing what I do now: reliving a simpler time through recaptured interests.

What we’re covering today was just a morsel of that 90’s Star Wars-Mania. I was slapped with a stack of Star Wars magazines lovingly shared by my best bud Eric. The intention? To see what overpriced plastic was being peddled to our small feeble minds a long time ago from a galaxy far, far away. And like a Gungan at a Tatooine marketplace, I had to stick my tongue where it didn’t belong.

Star Wars Insider is the official Star Wars magazine that grew out of the official newsletter in 1987. The title changed from the Lucasfilm Fan Club Magazine to Star Wars Insider in 1994. It’s still going till this day, with well over 200 issues at the time of this writing, which truly exemplifies the power of the force that is Star Wars. Though modern issues traded that prideful energy, respectful cadence, and welcoming fan interaction for something sterile, lacking depth, and more expensive. A true representation of not just modern Star Wars, but entertainment as a whole.

Star Wars Insider #38 June/July 1998

Besides the alluring Simpsons crossover cover, this specific issue had a Star Wars catalog of nearly everything available shoved right in the middle of it. My eyes were filled with the heavy nostalgic steam of carbonite emissions. A gathering of merchandise similar to a smattering of cantina patrons: Strange, goofy, endearing and kind of slimy. So lets jump to lightspeed and head back to a time when Star Wars was only a trilogy, heroes were heroes, and special effects were practical. When Star War’s only travesty was George Lucas’s poor judgment.

Technically, this is where the fun begins.

C-3PO Ceramic Cookie Jar

With our first highlight I’d like to state something: Any product that exists in our world…there is a Star Wars version of it. If there are chopsticks, there are Star Wars chopsticks. If there are window drapes, there are Star Wars window drapes. If there are cookie jars, there are Star Wars cookie jars (rightfully so).

Novelty cookie jars peaked in the 1990s for whatever reason. If you had truly broken into pop culture, getting your own cookie jar was akin to getting your own trading card series or Spaghetti-O shape. You made it, man. I can’t recall a single Na-Na being hip enough to actually own a Batman, Looney Tunes, or Star Wars cookie jar. But, hey, the crossover appeal was there. And you can’t blame them for that.

For a mere $275 + $14.95 shipping and handling you could be the proud owner of this 16 inch tall cookie jar of everyone’s favorite uptight worrisome british droid, golden-rod himself, C-3PO. Human Cyborg Relations? NOT ANYMORE, Bantha brain. Add Human Cookie Relations to the ‘ol droid resume now, Threepio. This ad boasts (3 times in fact) that this is the BEST likeness of C-3PO EVER MADE. Not only does it look like he stepped right out of the sands of Tatooine and into your kitchen, but he’s full of delicious cookies FINALLY.

My search results on eBay show I can claim this collectable for about half the price offered here. Which, $300 for a cookie jar is pretty steep. With inflation…that comes out to $538. I’m pretty sure I can get Anthony Daniels to bake cookies with me for that price. At least throw in an R2-D2 crockpot for dinner with my dessert. If I’m spending $600 on a C-3PO cookie jar, I’m probably keeping the various keys to my Lamburginis in it….not cookies.

HAN SOLO: SMUGGLER. PIRATE. COLLECTABLE PLATE.

Much like novelty cookie jars, the “Collectable Plate” market is often just as baffling. This hobby peaked in the 70’s and 80’s and was already on the decline by 1998’s standards. But God bless ‘em.

Nothing speaks decadence and class like a 24K gold bordered plate featuring several illustrations of Harrison Ford’s indifferent faces. These days, you may recognize collectable plates from the trailer park of that middle aged Aunt your family keeps their distance from. Walk into any antique store, and you may think that collectable plates were invented solely to feature the likeness of Elvis Presely. Regardless, I don’t know of any fans who were into the “Collectable Plates” of Star Wars. When you can line your shelves with statues, busts and lightsaber hilts…adorn your walls with film posters and original artwork…I’m not sure if “plates” even come into question. But to each their own. Between this and the cookie jar, I’m beginning to think Lucasfilm really wanted to corner the mee-maw market.

This plated collage of Han would set you back $35 (that’s $63 today) but trusty ‘ol eBay, the internet’s lovable cyber-smuggler, had a bunch of these brand new for around $30. If these were slightly cheaper, I’d probably go ahead and create a custom “Hanburger” and serve it on this very plate. I’d dine while watching “A New Hope”. Picking the remnants of my Hanburger toppings off this plate. A few shreds of lettuce revealing Ford’s disgruntled face staring back at me. His judgement seeping through me; making me question my life choices up to this point. The realization of my dinner’s main course…being loneliness.

R2-D2: THE TELEPHONE

Well we found it. We found the thing that I want most in this entire magazine. Understand, I despise talking on the phone. Yet I want it. I have no need for a landline. Yet I want it. It’s large. Cumbersome. Impractical. Probably annoying after the novelty wears off in a few days.

Yet I want it.

This replica of Artoo lights up, swivels his head,and makes authentic noises when the phone rings. The receiver is part of his leg. The image they went with is great too. That warm illuminated cloud city grated floor. A black gloved hand holding the receiver. Is it Darth? Is it Luke? Who are they calling? Do they have phone numbers in Star Wars? Weequay looks like he could’ve been a phone technician.

This bad boy was going for $99 in the catalog (that’s $177 today). Going the eBay route, he looks to be around the same price in box. And Call2-D2 was repackaged various times throughout its lifespan. From the “blue/gold space” Original trilogy aesthetic to the “gold/red/maroon” Episode 1 vibe to the “Guy Feitti’s hot rod” Revenge of the Sith look. It’s clear it was a popular item that the people demanded. If you had to make a phone call, wouldn’t it be through an R2 unit? He is a service droid afterall!

Lifesize Replica Boba Fett

Back before Boba Fett was an aimless boring old man that needed to soak in a Bacta tank to take out the garbage, he was the galaxy’s most feared bounty hunter that had a cult following for simply looking like a complete badass. A character that truly represented the best parts of “less is more” within the fandom. Mystery served Boba best and although those days are far behind us, I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t punt a Porg for a set of that sweet Mandolarian battle armor.

This is a 6 foot fiberglass Boba fett dressed in authentic armor made by the legendary Don Post studios. And I’m pretty sure it’s the most expensive thing in this catalog retailing for $4,500 (that comes out to a little over $8K today). I had to do some digging on this specific Boba in question, as the paragraph doesn’t give much insight. But I tracked it down through the bobafettfanclub.com (est. ‘96) that these were limited editions to around 250 pieces. The armor was cast from original props on actor Jeremy Bulloch from Return of the Jedi. It weighs about 85 lbs and there’s currently (?) one on display in the lobby of Lucasfilm in San Francisco, California.

It also states (twice) that this is not a costume, meaning they know exactly what I’m thinking.

I often wonder who would buy these and for what reason. I realize the business aspect of marketing this, I’ve seen “props” like this in wax and movie museums, but the ability to sell this privately is something. Eccentric millionaires could line their personal screening rooms with fun things like this…but….let’s be honest…the people who would truly appreciate this couldn’t fit it in their apartment or their wives wouldn’t allow it in their two bedroom ranch home.

There are only one of these listed on eBay currently…and it’s going for $18K. Considered a “grail” piece of Star Wars memorabilia. I’m certainly glad at least one of these survived. They’re worth a lot to me.

Star Wars Buddies and Luke Skywalker Utility Belt

Being me I have to briefly touch on some toys that brought up some nostalgic memories.

The Star Wars Buddies were bean bag plush that I felt like were capitalizing on the Beanie Baby fad of the time. I remember seeing a box of these guys in every toy store I had the privilege of visiting. They never spoke to me though unfortunately. Droids shouldn’t be soft and huggable. Jawas aren’t likable. Wicket and Chewie make sense, yet Chewie looks like some sort of hairy Mr. Potato Head. I would’ve leaned more into a set of various Ewoks personally, as the younger generation would probably embrace them more than the previous. I also find it interesting that Wicket isn’t called by his name. He’s just “Ewok”.

You can still find these galactic “beanie buddies” at various comic cons and online marketplaces for around the same price they are now. I believe more characters were made, as I remember Yoda, a “leather” like Jabba the Hutt, and even purchasing a Max Reebo for my own nefarious reasons years back. I can personally recall my friend Eric, who lent me this very magazine, had a bunch of these strung up adorning his bedroom window when we were kids. Heard he had to fight girls off back then. They were practically an aphrodisiac.

The Luke Skywalker utility belt really stuck out to me for two reasons: roleplaying sets were some of my favorite kinds of “toys” and I’ve actually never seen this set before. It comes with his blaster, adjustable belt to attach your suction cup darts, and “electrobinoculars”. What’s missing, as I’m sure we’ve all noticed, is a Lightsaber. In fact, there isn’t a lightsaber (toy or collectable) available in this entire catalog. Which I find more shocking than sith lightning fingers. The Lightsaber is arguably the most iconic prop in Star Wars and one of the most iconic weapons in popular culture. I did some digging and did find out midway through 1999, Hasbro recalled over half a million toy lightsabers due to “batteries overheating and rupturing”. Yet this catalog is from mid-1998, nearly a year prior. Regardless, it’s just an interesting and surprising insight, as you’d think you could open The Star Wars magazine with The Star Wars catalog to purchase a Lightsaber. It’s like going to Disneyland and not finding Mouse ears to purchase.

This roleplay set was going for $18.95 (about $34 today). It looks to go around $50-80 online, which is interesting for this era of Star Wars collectability as many toys were overproduced. I guess there’s a reason why I didn’t recall seeing this when I was a kiddo. I would’ve certainly begged for it come my Birthday or Christmas time. And it would’ve paired great with an electronic Lightsaber. Damn. Just thinking about this now makes me regret it!

1995 Darth Vader Power Talker Mask

This Darth Vader mask pictured isn’t listed in the catalog I’m sharing. But it’s an important artifact in my personal Star Wars lore. It’s not worth much these days. About $30 new in the retail box. I distinctly remember going to a local Service Merchandise with my grandparents one particular afternoon when they purchased this for me. I don’t know why I was getting this. I don’t know if we went there for this…if it was a special occasion or I was being rewarded in some way. I can recall holding the box in a toy aisle. Getting home. The sturdy plastic with a velcro strap pressed against my face. How it always sort of hurt the bridge of my nose. The slight dark tint the eyes gave my surroundings. It came with a speaker box adorning the “Star Wars” logo you’d clip to your pants. The deep robotic tone it made your voice when you’d speak into the tiny cheap microphone embedded in the plastic. You didn’t really sound like Darth Vader, but it was close enough.

I remember this vividly because that mask gave me a boost of courage. When wearing it, I was no longer afraid of the dark. Or being in the moody basement or damp crawl space alone. The weird natural bellowing noises didn’t make me dart off in fear. I was Darth Vader, baby. Dark Lord of the Sith. I emanated Vader’s iconic breathing to the best of my ability. I thought it sounded legit but who knows these days. The boogeyman himself could’ve jumped out in my darkened path and threatened me with maximum spook-age. But with my Darth Vader POWER TALKER mask on, I wouldn’t have taken his shit in the slightest. I’d probably try to Force-choke him, realize it did nothing, and then ran. My point being though, before that I felt badass.

This era of new Star Wars merchandise was branded “Power of The Force”. And I know I’m thinking too much about this, but it certainly was. It was THE POWER of Star Wars. It has had relevance since inception. And staying power culturally and financially.

Hey, since I have you here…lets get existential for a minute…

I was driving home last night and thinking about thumbing through this magazine and simply asked myself, “Why do I like this shit?” I guess…more specifically…”Why do I like Star Wars?”.

Upon posing that question, I remembered, as a child, tying an old belt around my waist while wearing one of my grandfather’s white v-neck t-shirts. It being at least 3 sizes too big draped over me. Underneath I wore tight cream colored long underwear. A cheap black plastic flashlight gripped in one hand. Running around my grandparents’ hallways. Peaking into rooms, igniting my “lightsaber” flashlight, and whispering “I’m Luke Skywalker, I’m here to rescue you…” to the imaginary Princess sitting captive on the bed. This memory wasn’t unearthed and buried under decades of memory matter.

It was reflexive. Like when a doctor hits your knee with that tiny rubber hammer. The memory I shared is my natural answer to the question “Why do I like Star Wars?”. Natural as The Force itself. As if my brain answered back, “You like Star Wars because you always have.” As adults, imagination fades with time and responsibilities. When we witness children doing this, we now simply see it as “playing”. And it is. But reality tarnishes imagination. It makes us lose sight of our simpler pleasures and interests.

Star Wars, to me, is tied to innocence, simplicity, and limitless imagination. It’s a story of good conquering evil through bravery, selflessness, and doing what’s right…even when it seems most difficult.

Star Wars was a bond between family and friends I no longer have, in places that no longer exist. Each film started with the iconic words, “A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…” and the warmth of this past I’m describing is beginning to feel a long time ago and with a history that certainly seems far far away. And Star Wars is one of those devices, the force if you will, that takes me back and, in the very least, gives me the memories…the feelings…of being together again. My whole life ahead of me. Plastic flashlight in hand.

Star Wars, now to generations of people, has sparked imagination, determination, and creativity for decades. It has succeeded popular culture. It’s biblical…for better or worse. Blasphemy? I’m speaking on popular culture…also for better or worse. Star Wars represents a simpler time for some. It currently is a simpler time for many. A bonding agent for human socialization. An ice breaker. Maybe even the very foundation of friendships and relationships. A source for positive growth and morals. We can’t all be Luke Skywalker…a simple farm boy destined for greatness…but we all play a role in each other’s destiny.

For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. You must feel the Force around you; here, between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere, yes.

Thanks for reading about some ludacris Star Wars collectables found in a 25 year old magazine and the impact this silly space story had on me decades later. You can always find offbeat ramblings on comic culture such as this at ChrisDoesComics.com. Until next time, May The Ads Be With You…Always.

08/17/2022

Ad Nauseam: ALF #23 (Mascot Madness!)

You can find previous “Ad Nauseam”s here.

Welcome back to Ad Nauseam: never ending articles inspecting promotions of yesteryear found in between the “Biff”s and “Pow”s of clearance rack comics.^{_{Please send help.}}

Tonight we crack open the capitalistic corpse of ALF #23 released December 1989.

ALF (Alien Life Form) was a Marvel comic series based off the television show of the same name. It ran for a surprisingly successful 50 issues (1988-1992), actually exceeding the lifespan of the show. ALF tells the story of Gordon Shumway, an alien from an extinct planet that crash lands in suburban California. He’s discovered and reluctantly “adopted” by a wholesome nuclear family as sitcom shenanigans and laugh tracks ensue. The show was like a fusion of Full House and Garfield complete with 80s sitcom cheese, cat references, food binging, all centering around a family named The Tanners.

On a personal note, ALF was one of my favorite shows as a child. Being raised on Muppets, anything involving puppets immediately caught my attention. And in his prime, ALF was a merchandising machine as his face was slapped on coloring books, lunchboxes, and everything in between.

Which brings me to the focus of tonight’s article…

I’ve spent too much time building these virtual monuments to 30+ year old junk food and mailaway trading cards. A driving force behind diving into these ads isn’t nostalgia alone…but the realization that I’m part of a bygone era I’m calling The Lost Art of the Mascot. For better or worse.

There’s a reason why I’m so fondly in love with the Mcdonald’s of yesteryear. Or how I’ll gush over sugary cereal boxes and the return of “throwback” labels on the same old products. The Trix Rabbit! Toucan Sam! Scrubbing Bubbles! The Noid! Mrs. Butterworth! As a child I loved the Energizer Bunny and Chester Cheetah. What they were bussing was moot (or so I thought), yet they turned out to be the reason why I wanted Cheetos in my lunch and Energizer batteries in my talking Robocop. If you’re in your late thirties you CAN’T look me in the GOSH DANG eyes and tell me you didn’t eat raisins because of the CALIFORNIA RAISINS singing on your television! Don’t lie to me this isn’t my FIRST RODEO!

This is a brilliant marketing strategy that, I would say, peaked throughout the 1960s-1990s. Take a mundane product and pair it with a bright lively marketable character that would appeal to children. This is most common with cereal (as we’ll see tonight) but expanded far beyond to everything from batteries to cleaning supplies. It’s a strategy that cements a brand and creates a brainworm in future customers based on recognition. It’s planting the seeds of consumption in young malleable selfish minds and might just be considered evil. But, boy, does it work!

It’s fitting that I found these ads in an ALF comic. Yet another character created with a big ~~marketable~~ lovable personality full of quippy one liners and sarcasm. Almost as if the priority was merchandising over actual quality. Huh. Well that can’t be…can it? So let’s travel back to the last gasp of the 1980’s with ALF #23 and quietly ask ourselves why is this December released comic themed around Fall?

Trix and Lucky Charms Word Games!

These ads are a great example of how to make your mascot appear as more than just a vapid salesman. Both of these full page ads are games first and ads second. Kids know when they’re being marketed to, so to literally make a game out of your product is a way to get attention without your little consumer even realizing you’re getting your sugar soaked fingerprints all over their fresh malleable mind. You engage your audience. The cereal and logo take up little of the illustration, making the mascots the main focus besides the game itself. It’s a way to get kids to “help” the characters (they look distressed afterall) and connect with them. Appeal to emotions. The games center around the themes of the cereal and names so it’s easy to identify next time you’re at the grocery store. If you play this fun game with these characters in your monthly comics, you’d be more than willing to beg mom for their cereal. I felt a loyalty to these characters, therefore, I wanted their cereal over, say, Corn Pops or Frosted Mini Wheat.

Also I love how Lucky the Leprechaun is relaxing in his cozy home with an offering of a perfectly balanced breakfast (did anybody really partake in orange juice and milk?) and the Trix Rabbit is cornered in some gritty back alley (also is the pencil oversized or is the Trix rabbit truly that small?). Through engaging ads like this, you might actually look forward to them popping up in your comic book. Imagine that! Soon Trix and Lucky could mean more to you than just breakfast cereal, but in turn, Trix and Lucky Charms might be the first brands that spring to mind when getting some sugary trash to shovel in your gullet at 7 am. Magically delicious? Or Implemented strategically delicious?

Nestle Quik Hop Shop!

It’s pretty incredible how some of these ads can work on a young mind. I haven’t seen a Nestle Quik commercial in decades and haven’t drank it in probably over 25 years, yet I still remember that Quik bunny suckin’ that gloop up while his long ears twisted around as if he were in the middle of some sort of powdery orgazmic trance.

Here we have an example of being “rewarded” with stuff you don’t need for consuming junk that will hurt you. Today, this practice of marketing has been (mostly) dropped across the board as it shouts “blind vapid consumerism” and can direct your child onto the road of diabetes and obesity all in the name of a Quik Bunny Plastic Mug. If you delve back into comics of the 1960s and 70s, you’d find similar “reward” programs using points to earn prizes aimed at children. These points were earned through, essentially, a pyramid scheme: Want a kite or magic set? Sell a certain amount of magazine subscriptions (for example). You could earn up to a bicycle! Though marketing like this “Hop Shop” ad truly reflects the consumeristic junkie mindframe that permeated the 1980’s: Eat to earn. Buy our products and earn cool prizes adorning our logo. It’s a pretty bold and confident move when you think about it.

It sounds like John Carpenter’s They Live in a way. Mostly because, in a way, it is. That movie had to come from somewhere, right?

Okay, so I’m being cynical. I previously touched on a similar tactic with Kool-Aid. And there’s tons just like this. I don’t look down on anyone who was into this. Mostly because I know for a 100% fact, I’d partake in this if I didn’t have such a strictly-budgeted mother growing up. The bendable Quik Bunny and Plush Bunny are calling my name. Then I’d probably go for the t-shirt and some “hot shades”. That ice pop maker and mug are swell too. I didn’t even drink Nestle Quik much, but I loved the fun design of the Bunny from the commercials. I liked him. Which was the point. They got me hook, line, and sinker. I delve into this stuff because I fall for it.

I actually sought out some of the prizes being offered here through eBay and paired them with the image above. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen that Quik Bunny mug at almost every flea market I’ve ever been to. Also, do you notice the 1950’s aesthetic in this ad? The music notes, “Hop Shop” logo design, and the way the Bunny talks? The 1950’s Americana fascination was only 30+ years ago at this point in time. The people making these ads were nostalgic for their era. For instance, what era do you see today so firmly replicated throughout marketing in pop culture? Ah, that’s right, the 1980’s. Which is only 30+ years ago at this point in time. Where does the time go?

Mr. Bubble’s Tub Tales!

Man, when was the last time you took a bubble bath? Is taking a bubble bath just a kid thing? Why? I remember always seeing sexy women taking bubble baths in movies, but that was usually because it was PG and they needed to cover up their body. Why can’t a middle aged construction worker come home from a hard day’s work to a nice bubble bath? Can we normalize that? Anyway…

The “mini-comic” ad you’d find in comic books is a classic tactic. In fact, I wouldn’t mind doing that for a living. Here we get a short tale featuring Mother callin’ in the kiddos after having a fun-filled dirty play day only to *GASP* be excited to take a bath?! That’s right, kids, because Mr. Bubble makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty! I love the admittance of saying “almost”. They’re just being honest. It’s not more fun or even as fun apparently. But the fun doesn’t have to stop in the bath! Because Mr. Bubble’s got them tees and sweaters to rock on your clean bubbleless bod. And a f**king WATCH?! A Mr. Bubbles Watch?! I wish I could’ve met someone wearing a Mr. Bubbles watch in the wild. Like, who are they? What is their story? How are they doing?

Regardless, this advertisement intertwines the idea of the main product (being bubble bath..er-uh..stuff) supplemented with the idea of wearing the brand out of your pure enjoyment for it. Whereas the Nestle Quik branded swag was based on “earning” it. Mr. Bubble just wants to be friends, bro. An adult sized shirt cost $4.95 in December of 1989. With inflation (plus $1 for S&H) that comes out to $13.49 in 2022. Not to shabby considering most tees cost around $27 shipped these days. Also notice the inclusion of adult sized clothing (as well as that rad watch). Mr. Bubble was a brand founded in 1961, nearly 30 years of business at the time. It’s appealing to nostalgia. Your kid would see it and might want one and there’s an off chance that you might too…seeing as you might have grown up with Mr. Bubble as well. That marketing practice is super common today as nostalgia has become almost the go-to route for marketing towards adults.

And, yes, I managed to go to Mr. Bubble’s website. And, yes, they sell shirts and little Mr. Bubble dolls. And, yes, I’m internally struggling with not buying them.

I always bring up throughout these Ad Nauseum articles how you no longer see ads for sugary snack cakes, candy, or tooth rotting “juice” drinks marketed towards children anymore; much less rewarding them with prizes for consuming them. Commercials don’t have the same imagination and charm as they used to either. When was the last time you saw Ronald dicking around in Mcdonaldland? Or Captain Crunch recklessly sailing his ship into a kitchen under the influence of crunchberries? Or Kool Aid man carelessly bursting through drywall? Lumber costs have skyrocketed you giant pitcher abomination.

And, in all honesty, it’s for the best. These mascots still exist but they’re minimal and present for posterity. Whenever they are used, it’s sparingly to appeal to a time where you’d eat this trash and not feel like it. As a society we’ve become much more conscious of what’s in our food and the benefits of it. I believe we’ve broken a marketing cycle and caused a shift towards a more healthy and transparent approach. It may no longer involve a colorful talking toucan or collecting proofs of purchase for a glow-in-the-dark yo-yo…but it benefits us long term. I can definitely see a day in my lifetime where all these mascots are distant memories. Where some 78 year old’s suspiciously hairy ears perk up as we’d recall “Cheesasaurus Rex” over overpriced space-lattes on Planet Starbucks.

Regardless, I am fond of this stuff. These colorful faces that greeted me on Saturday mornings and in between the pages of my favorite superhero adventures. The excitement I felt digging through sugary cereal I convinced my mom I needed just for the toy inside. Looking at the cookies baking in the oven to see if the Pillsbury Doughboy would actually pop up and greet me. It could be the time and place that gets me. But it’s also the marketing itself. It’s genuine nostalgia for something that was strategically planned and meticulously implemented by a boardroom of rich business tycoons. So undeniably American. But when you look at things that way…it kinda sucks the fun and wonder out of life.

Although the Art of the Mascot is indeed lost and I truly can’t think I’m better off for being apart of it, I can at least look back at it through the eyes of a child and smile. In a lot of cases ignorance is bliss afterall. Thanks for thumbing in between the action of old comics and reminiscing with me. You’ll always find “insight” into comfy comic culture here on ChrisDoesComics.

09/17/2021

Ad Nauseam: Ultimate Spider-man #4

You’re not going to believe this, but, it seems there’s been a sort of mishap in regards to the current edition of Ad Nauseum. We’re not heading back to the 1990s to reminisce in the murky nostalgic mirth of discontinued candy, cereal, and action figures. No, my friends, for it is a new millennium! With Y2K upon us, I hope you’ve unplugged your computer…hid your savings under the mattress…and sent your Furby back to the circle of hell from whence it came. Because we’re swinging into Ultimate Spider-man #4 released February 2001!

Marvel Comic’s line of Ultimate titles were “reboots” of some of their most iconic characters. The idea was to gain a new generation of readers with a clean slate. Gone were the high issue counts and 40+ daunting years of extensive history. With a new millennium comes a fresh (yet familiar) contemporary beginning.

Straight from my own personal collection, Ultimate Spider-man came at a crossroads in my life. An awkward age where I was deemed “too old” for comics and toys by family and peers. Yet too young to work, drive, and dip my toe into the “adult” multiverse. So reading a modern take about the adventures of a 15 year old Spider-man couldn’t have come at a better time in my life.

So put on your fuzzy bucket hat, fold up your Razor Scooter, and sign onto MSN because it’s time to read about the mindless capitalistic trash offered in between the pages of Spidey’s webtastic adventures!

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X-Men: Evolution Backpack Clips!

I’ve spent more time than I care to admit writing about X-Men fast food toys. C’est la vie. While always prominent amongst the comic crowd, X-Men were the comic cash cow in 2001 as their first blockbuster movie debuted just 7 months prior. With a sequel in the works and a brand new animated series airing, it was only a matter of time before Wolverine found himself in the bottom of a greasy paper bag once more.

I can’t recall much of X-Men: Evolution other than it imagined the characters as (mostly) teenagers and didn’t have an earbug of a title theme. Thinking it was a step down from the prior X-Men series, I mostly ignored it. But I wish I hadn’t ignored these X-Tacular keychains. I was imagining which one I would want most, yet they all look X-Mazing in their own individual X-ways. Cyclops launches little X-Men logos (Don’t we all?), Pull a string to “spark” Storm’s eyes, Wolverine pops his claws, Toad shows some tongue action, and Mystique’s face “morphs” using those old bean-like slimes. The mutant action features are surprisingly clever and creative for something that X-clusively comes alongside a crushed greasy bag of cinnamon twists. I truly regret not having one of these dangling from my Chicago Bulls backpack. These days, I would buy a set on eBay to attach to my work bag, but I’m already in a committed relationship and don’t want more women falling in love with me.

What’s It Worth @ WizardWorld.com!

I’ve covered Wizard World before yet find it difficult to not wax nostalgic about it when it naturally pops up in other Ad Nauseams. The context of “What’s It Worth?” was, simply, an online price guide for your nerd junk. By that I mean comics get your mind out of the gutter. Pre-internet you’d have to purchase expensive price guides (the newer volumes the more accurate) for comics, toys, and everything in between. I remember thumbing through a relative’s Star Wars action figure price guide sometime around 1997 and being awe-struck that such a thing even existed. “Wait, adults buy toys for themselves?” I thought. “And they keep them in the box?”.

It was like a dork version of The Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come paying me a visit…but revealing a vision of lonely virginity instead of my tombstone.

The internet changed the game, once again, by having up-to-the-minute price guides. Pull up your long box of comics and start adding everything up right then and there with a guide everyone can universally reference. That radically shakes up the collectors market, does it not? Nowadays, Wizard World is just an overpriced celebrity meet and greet. But, boy, do I miss what it used to be. Not only offering great traveling comic conventions and an awesome monthly magazine but easing right into the new millennium by creating a great online resource for collectors alike. Wizard was a true nerd mecca. But I suppose all empires fall eventually. Especially ones built around Spawn posters and Witchblade trading cards.

I’d lastly like to note that ever since Universal Studio’s Harry Potter Theme Park opened, it’s been nearly impossible to find old information on Wizard World conventions and magazines. It feels like someone else’s childhood was literally paved over mine. I hope you’re happy, Rowling.

Hey You, Pikachu! On Nintendo 64

Nintendo always strives to do the impossible. They’ve made a stout hairy middle aged Italian American Plumber cute. And they’ve always been innovators within the world of video games. Hey You, Pikachu! was a prime example of just that. Was it good? No, not really. Was it fun? For a few minutes I suppose. Did anyone really want this type of Pokemon game? Not at all. Where was I going with this? Oh. Voice recognition. Nintendo created a special microphone that attached to your controller specifically for this game. And you used it to “talk” to Pikachu. That’s it. That was the game.

Problem being a lot of “older” kids will blindly lop up any Pokemon game. And this was a pet simulator (of sorts) aimed at children under 10. At the time, I was getting out of the Poke-craze. The card game got too simplistic for me. The Gameboy games began to feel redundant. I didn’t want to take pictures of Pokemon. I didn’t want to talk to Pokemon. I wanted them to fight until they were no longer conscious. For I was a 13 year old boy afterall. So I felt, as did most of my peers, that Hey You, Pikachu! was for (excuse my language) Barney-loving-diaper-babies.

I actually talked to this game not too long ago. The voice recognition doesn’t really work. You can honestly say whatever you want to Pikachu and the game just plays out. I remember simply naming household objects to him to “strengthen our friendship”. We literally became besties when I rattled off my kitchen appliances. Do I recommend it to Pokemon fans and/or vintage gamers? Well, if you’re into making a yellow bunny rabbit sad by repeating “Ninja Blender Pro”, then this is the game for you. Other than that, it was an innovative yet failed experiment. But, hey, now you’ve seen the advertisement for it.

Activision’s Spider-man Video Game

Alright, now we’re talking.

At this point in time, Spidey wasn’t so lucky in the video game category. I personally can only recall Super Nintendo’s Maximum Carnage being a bright spot, but even that was just a side scrolling beat ‘em up. We had yet to have a game that made you feel like Spider-man. Enter Activision’s aptly titled Spider-man released in late summer of 2000. This video game was a Marvel Comic come-to-life and personally took my Spider-fandom to the next level. Video game puns.

It felt like a three dimensional continuation of the 1994’s Spider-man animated series. With brilliant voiceovers, fun colorful cutscenes, tons of Marvel cameos, inside jokes, and unlockables all webbed together and narrated by Stan “The Man” Lee himself. I rented this game numerous times and eventually purchased it as a “Playstation Greatest Hit”. You can actually swing and climb walls in a 3D environment! You can hear Spidey’s constant quips! It realized an iconic character in three dimensions with a story crafted with care and sealed in a video game package that seemed to be made for fans by fans. And it was the talk of recess for quite some time. The strategies, secrets, cheat codes, and easter eggs. It felt like a fully realized world full of web spinning adventure. I often credit this game with kicking off a slow-burn Spider-mania which led to the Spider-man movie in 2002. Sure, that all could’ve been in my head. But the game was a huge hit critically and financially. And I believe that may have turned the right heads to get Spidey on the big screen.

2000’s Spider-man is always a “must own” no matter what point I’ll be in my life. So seeing this ad in this comic? It made me realize why Spider-man is such a special character to me. So much good spider-stuff coming together and hitting me all at the right time.

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Oops, I did it again. But this time we ventured into a new millennium! And would you look at that? My toaster didn’t chase me. My bank account didn’t vanish. The local Radioshack didn’t take over the neighborhood as emperor. The world is still here! And it’s very possible that we’ll return between the pages once more…someday. But I’m feeling a bit homesick. And I know there’s a 1992 issue of W.I.L.D.C.A.T.S out there with advertisements practically screaming to be released into the cataclysmic void of my website.

I hope you enjoyed reading about the 20 year old comic book ads found in Ultimate Spider-man #4. Wait…Did you know that 2001 was twenty years ago? Weren’t the 1980s twenty years ago? When did they change this? Wow. Hold me in your cyber arms, friend, this is getting scary.