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06/28/202307/21/2023

Ad Nauseam: Mad Magazine #418

You can find previous “Ad Nauseam”s here.

Oh no, everyone, it’s Ad Nauseam! Articles in which I gaze back at ancient advertisements of youth, wonder where time has gone, and realize all the vapid gutter trash that was marketed into my tiny malleable eyeballs. Yes, I’m still doing this.

Sam Raimi’s Summer Blockbuster Spider-man turned 21 years old last month. It can legally drink the champagne I’m toasting it with. The film (and the countdown surrounding it) holds a very special place in my heart. The summer months of 2002 was a coming-of-age story filled with angst, Spider-man Poptarts, romance, and attempts at making my own webshooters.

But that is a tale for another time. I’d still like to honor the legacy of the original Spider-man movie on its anniversary(ish) as we dissect the ads within Mad Magazine #418 released June 2002.

Mad Magazine is a satirical comic-turned-magazine first published back in 1952. Understand, when it came to parody and satire, Mad was the first of its kind. Its circulation peaked in the early 1970s, and the humor within its pages influenced generations of comedy writers that infiltrated the roots of comedic pop culture itself. From The Tonight Show to SNL to The Simpsons, Mad competed with itself when it came to topical humor. No subject was off limits to Mad Magazine. Today, You can head to your local grocery store and be able to find Mad on the magazine rack. And in this day and age, staying power is rare.

This issue of Mad was purchased solely for this article. Sad. It’s the first and only issue of Mad Magazine that I’ve ever owned. Yet Mad is no stranger, as I’ve thumbed through my share of issues over the decades. Whether loaned from friends or watching Madtv, I was more than acquainted with their age-old mascot: Alfred E. Neuman. Mad has permeated American pop culture in a way that even if you don’t know it…on some level…you probably do.

Mad Magazine was also AD-FREE from April 1957 to February 2001(no advertisers means no one is off limits to pick on). But this particular issue being the subject of an Ad Nauseam article means it’s chock full of dated advertisements. Bad for Mad readers back then. Good for my readers today. All three of you.

So crank up some Linkin Park and lets sling a web through this 21 year old issue of an American comedic institution. Our Spidersense tingling being our only warning of the ads inside! What-me worry?

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SOUTH PARK RETURNS

Crude and Outrageous. An ad that truly represents the foundation of South Park. This concept is also a representation of eXtRemE “attitude” pop culture embraced by the late 1990s. By mid-2002 the adult animated show was in the middle of its sixth season. South Park is still popular by today’s standards. Though the mention of it still takes me back to those first couple years or, what I personally call, The South Park epidemic of the late 1990s.

South Park debuted in late 1997. It was far more immoral and inappropriate than The Simpsons that debuted just 7 years prior. And its humor was sharper than MTV’s Beavis and Butthead. It was an immediate success, at least in my juvenile social circle, and christened “must see tv” as it was a trendy target among parents and teachers alike. It took the heat off of Bart Simpson and Mortal Kombat. South Park was the newest outrage causing trend within the “degradation of youth” category.

I can only relate The South Park epidemic to be in the same vein as “The Red Scare” within certain households and my school. Teachers outlawed discussion of South Park. South Park apparel was banned. I recall one particular instance where a friend innocently drew a cow on our chalkboard during indoor recess and was subsequently punished with a detention because the teacher felt the cow “looked too similar to cows from South Park”.

It truly is something when a child recognizes ignorant paranoia spread by their adult “superiors”.

Personally, I did my fair share of South Park “smuggling”. Watching it in secret at my grandparents home. Sneaking in an episode at a friend’s house when their parents were out. I regularly wore a “Many Deaths of Kenny” shirt under my sweater at school. I attached a South Park keychain to my backpack. It was as big as it was because it was forbidden. It was an act of rebellion. Mortal Kombat ate my quarters because mom didn’t want me playing it. We quoted Bart Simpson because parents urged him to be the downfall of innocence. We devoured South Park because it became the next in line for parental outrage.

The more things change the more they stay the same I suppose.

Editor’s Note: That “Many Deaths of Kenny” shirt was purchased by my mom as a birthday gift for me. She was an overworked single parent that didn’t have time to be upset over a silly television show. She knew she raised a level headed responsible son. She realized the trend and ,in her exhaustion, simply let me embrace my interests. I truly appreciated that. It meant a lot, mom. Violent television and video games didn’t rot my brain. It just made me write dozens of redundant blog articles. Not too shabby I’d say.

THE BEST BUY CD SECTION

I never thought I’d see the day where the idea of physically owning music by purchasing it at a brick and mortar music store would be practically extinct. Afterall, it’s something humans have been doing since the late 1800s. Though still young in the grand scheme of civilization, I suppose I never thought things would change so quickly as I grasped my Papa Roach CD…thinking I’d have to do this forever. Are album releases even a big thing anymore? I guarantee you haven’t even thought about heading to the CD section in what feels like ages. Go find one in a store sometime (if they even have one) and bask at its insignificance. Even though music is anything but insignificant.

Best Buy did have one of the best CD sections available. As you can tell from the delighted young hip and fresh looking guy in the ad. I forgot that early 2000s “style” for young men was “Shaggy’s snowboarding cousin”. My god…a soul patch and puka shell necklace? ZOINKS. Who wants to bet this “bra” is wearing Anchor Blue jeans and eyeing a “Taproot” album? Anyway…at Best Buy each genre of music had nearly 2 and a half loooong aisles to browse. As the CD section in this ad isn’t exaggerating as it mimics the warehouse from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

I had a Best Buy attached(ish) to the local mall. It wasn’t out of the ordinary for a bunch of boys to split the price of a CD…as long as one of us had a burner to duplicate it. Suddenly that steep $17.99 price tag for the Fast and Furious soundtrack turns into less than $5. With enough dough left over for an overly dry slice of Sbarro pizza and a pickup game of Soul Caliber. Now I can harvest practically any piece of music of any era from the supercomputer in my pocket for free and share it with my entire personalized network of thousands of people almost instantly.

Impressive? Technically yes. Better? Well, there’s no Icee to sip while browsing. And I don’t have Billy or Kris to kick my tush in Soul Caliber anymore. So…no.

Another instance in “You just had to be there.” I guess.

DEAD TO RIGHTS and BLOODRAYNE

Here we have two video games concerning Vigilantes and Vampires. I’m confident those were my career goals in high school. As I’m typing this I realize those paths aren’t out of the question now either.

Dead To Rights was about a cop with a dog cop set on a path of revenge through a dark spooky corrupt city. The cop was taking revenge. Not the dog. Or maybe they both were. I don’t remember. It was capitalizing on the acclaimed Max Payne video game but without the hint of self awareness. At the time, I was practically snorting ashes of Punisher comic books daily so I was there for it. I also had no hint of self awareness. The selling point of the game (besides the need for violence and justice) was being able to control the dog; functioning as a sort of “special power” used to disarm and weaken your enemies. I rented this game and was excited to entrench myself in its world…but I recall the clunky controls dampering my enjoyment. I didn’t even finish it. But that didn’t stop me from putting on my thrift store trenchcoat and shoot down imaginary drug dealers with a nerf gun. It’s sad when I type that out.

The sexy vampire’s name is BLOODRAYNE. One word. Rayne is spelled with a “y”. She’s wearing leather pants. If you do not think of the 2000s when I explain this to you I guess we can’t be friends. Thanks to Buffy The Vampire Slayer, I was peak vampire-kid at the time. I watched vampire movies. Read vampire books. And even made an emergency vampire hunter kit using junk found around my grandparents house. It’s sad when I type that out. Naturally (or sUpeRnAtUralLy) I found out about Bloodrayne when researching “vampire video games where you can suck blood” on the internet. In order to replenish your health, you can hop onto enemies and bite their neck until they die. That’s so vampire, man. I was sold. I purchased a preowned copy of Bloodrayne for under $20 and fondly remember it.

I can’t recall it verbatim, but you played as this goth vampire woman with giant blades attached to her arms that murdered Nazis. It turned out to be a World War II thing. I was caught off guard yet intrigued. The game consisted of you running around, with bouncing boob physics, slicing up Nazis into bloody puddles. I was the demographic. It was a delight.

Apparently there are 3 movies based off these games and I find that just incredible considering most people don’t know what this trash is or was. There are 3 Bloodrayne movies. Don’t give up on your dreams, kids.

SPIDER-MAN: THE MOVIE: THE VIDEO GAME: THE ADVERTISEMENT

For me, the only thing trailing the hype of the Spider-man movie had to be the Spider-man video game. That summer, If any piece of hardware in existence could play a video game, there would be a Spider-man game released for it.

A friend of mine brought a magazine to class that had an extensive preview of this game. It’s how we got better looks at the movie versions of Spidey and Green Goblin. It was also written in the gameplay details when we learned that Spider-man had “organic” webshooters. It was little nuggets like this that added to the feeling of excitement for a summer blockbuster. Myself and a small group of friends were still riding that high of Activison’s Spider-man game released on the Playstation only 2 years prior. We still spoke of the animated series and comic books. Yet, we were at an age where we were expected to grow out of cartoons, comics, and toys. That was something I knew I simply couldn’t do…nor did I want to. And I loved that I was able to brazenly share my excitement for Spider-man proudly with others.

This particular ad was slapped in every comic book and magazine at the time. I even remember it showing up in an issue of a school magazine/workbook we partook in every month. The marketing being a sign of the times. If we wanted to see the trailer, you had to be in a movie theater. If you wanted to see images, you picked up a magazine. If you wanted to see the poster, you walked to a bus stop. If you yearned for “scoops” and “rumors”, it was an arduous game of telephone. Also telephones had cords and were attached to walls. But at this point, this is how it’s always been. What made the experience of Spider-man so unique for me, was that all of this was changing for the first time. Computers. Internet. Cell phones. The digital age was becoming more pertinent by the week. And I was truly noticing it. This fresh era of convenience rearing its cyber-head.

Regardless, Spider-man was everywhere. Television, grocery aisles, print, and computers. And change was surrounding us. The rippling effect of the recent September 11th attacks and current war on terrorism. The new and exciting reliance of technology beginning to change our daily routine. Graduating to attend a massive high school. The realization that familiarity and friendships forged for most of your life are bound to drift away.

Spider-man acted as a final reprisal of childhood. An age where any adult would say, “Aren’t you too old for that?”, yet we fully embraced the childishness. From shooting webshooters found in our cereal boxes in the Chicago alleyways to discussing possible villains in the next Spider-man movie. Reality seemed scarier than ever, a sudden realization stricken amongst every walk of life within the United States. And, at my childish level, I felt we were all caught in Spidey’s web of pure escapism. Spider-man swung in bringing back some much needed fun and innocence. Suddenly my knowledge of comic books was no longer a point of contention, but revered among my peers. It was a time that felt nearly judgment free. Where I felt closest with everyone. To truly belong.

The film and buzz surrounding it acted as a wonderful “nightcap” to youthful innocence and childhood freedoms. A great “send off” to who we were as we marched forward towards a pivotal time of who we’d become.

Later that same summer on a particularly beautiful day we were all at the park playing baseball. The overwhelming success of the Spider-man movie urged the recent announcement of the forthcoming Spider-man 2. “It’s coming out in 2004!” I said defeated by the realization of the excruciating long wait. “Man, you guys think we’ll still be friends then?” I asked genuinely. We all chuckled and assured each other nothing would change. We all took our spots to play another sweaty unskilled game of baseball. That was the last summer we all hung out together.

Life moves fast. Change is constant. But I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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Though unexpected, I was grateful this issue of Mad Magazine was so heavily riddled with game advertisements. My affinity for video games peaked during this era so these ads whirled up a stirring of thoughts I haven’t had in quite a time. Even though my favorite era of gaming has solidified itself in 8-bits, it has been a recent personal epiphany that the Playstation 2, in my opinion, may just be the best video game console of all time. Plus, there’s only so much to say about old body spray and Corn Nuts ads.

Yet, beyond a pixelated screen, I’ve reminisced about the summer of 2002. The fear and uncertainty of the time blended with my youth and innocence created an emotional cocktail that couldn’t nor shouldn’t be replicated. To get completely lost in something that I was going to indulge in anyway, but now with better reason. The burned Spider-man album (purchased by a friend from Best Buy 😉 being my soundtrack of the summer. Spider-man pop tarts being tossed in my backpack for summer snacking. Renting the video game and playing it relentlessly as it expanded the lore of the film. Reading the novelization ordered from Scholastic by gathering spare change from my junk drawer. My grandmother buying me a “Guide to Spider-man” from Waldenbooks as I meticulously combed my back issues for key moments.

Escapism at its finest. Because with the uncertainty of war, the economy, and all the other things you didn’t understand as an ignorant teenager…why not escape even for a little bit? Do one last favor for me…tonight, I’d like for you to sip an ice cold Dr. Pepper while watching the music video for “Hero” by Chad Kroger Ft. Josey Scott off the Spider-man soundtrack. And, if you can, think about where you were during that time…21 years ago! Because I guarantee the next 21 years are going to swing by in a flash. Will I still be writing this stuff?

Oh, and thanks for the other favor…reading the ramblings about insipid advertisements found in an issue of a satirical magazine old enough to play blackjack and sip bourbon. If we all think about Tobey Maguire hard enough, maybe he’ll stop snorting cocaine or whatever celebrities do and feel our thought-beams right now.

You’ll always find “insight” into comfy comic culture here on ChrisDoesComics.

08/17/2022

Ad Nauseam: ALF #23 (Mascot Madness!)

You can find previous “Ad Nauseam”s here.

Welcome back to Ad Nauseam: never ending articles inspecting promotions of yesteryear found in between the “Biff”s and “Pow”s of clearance rack comics.^{_{Please send help.}}

Tonight we crack open the capitalistic corpse of ALF #23 released December 1989.

ALF (Alien Life Form) was a Marvel comic series based off the television show of the same name. It ran for a surprisingly successful 50 issues (1988-1992), actually exceeding the lifespan of the show. ALF tells the story of Gordon Shumway, an alien from an extinct planet that crash lands in suburban California. He’s discovered and reluctantly “adopted” by a wholesome nuclear family as sitcom shenanigans and laugh tracks ensue. The show was like a fusion of Full House and Garfield complete with 80s sitcom cheese, cat references, food binging, all centering around a family named The Tanners.

On a personal note, ALF was one of my favorite shows as a child. Being raised on Muppets, anything involving puppets immediately caught my attention. And in his prime, ALF was a merchandising machine as his face was slapped on coloring books, lunchboxes, and everything in between.

Which brings me to the focus of tonight’s article…

I’ve spent too much time building these virtual monuments to 30+ year old junk food and mailaway trading cards. A driving force behind diving into these ads isn’t nostalgia alone…but the realization that I’m part of a bygone era I’m calling The Lost Art of the Mascot. For better or worse.

There’s a reason why I’m so fondly in love with the Mcdonald’s of yesteryear. Or how I’ll gush over sugary cereal boxes and the return of “throwback” labels on the same old products. The Trix Rabbit! Toucan Sam! Scrubbing Bubbles! The Noid! Mrs. Butterworth! As a child I loved the Energizer Bunny and Chester Cheetah. What they were bussing was moot (or so I thought), yet they turned out to be the reason why I wanted Cheetos in my lunch and Energizer batteries in my talking Robocop. If you’re in your late thirties you CAN’T look me in the GOSH DANG eyes and tell me you didn’t eat raisins because of the CALIFORNIA RAISINS singing on your television! Don’t lie to me this isn’t my FIRST RODEO!

This is a brilliant marketing strategy that, I would say, peaked throughout the 1960s-1990s. Take a mundane product and pair it with a bright lively marketable character that would appeal to children. This is most common with cereal (as we’ll see tonight) but expanded far beyond to everything from batteries to cleaning supplies. It’s a strategy that cements a brand and creates a brainworm in future customers based on recognition. It’s planting the seeds of consumption in young malleable selfish minds and might just be considered evil. But, boy, does it work!

It’s fitting that I found these ads in an ALF comic. Yet another character created with a big ~~marketable~~ lovable personality full of quippy one liners and sarcasm. Almost as if the priority was merchandising over actual quality. Huh. Well that can’t be…can it? So let’s travel back to the last gasp of the 1980’s with ALF #23 and quietly ask ourselves why is this December released comic themed around Fall?

Trix and Lucky Charms Word Games!

These ads are a great example of how to make your mascot appear as more than just a vapid salesman. Both of these full page ads are games first and ads second. Kids know when they’re being marketed to, so to literally make a game out of your product is a way to get attention without your little consumer even realizing you’re getting your sugar soaked fingerprints all over their fresh malleable mind. You engage your audience. The cereal and logo take up little of the illustration, making the mascots the main focus besides the game itself. It’s a way to get kids to “help” the characters (they look distressed afterall) and connect with them. Appeal to emotions. The games center around the themes of the cereal and names so it’s easy to identify next time you’re at the grocery store. If you play this fun game with these characters in your monthly comics, you’d be more than willing to beg mom for their cereal. I felt a loyalty to these characters, therefore, I wanted their cereal over, say, Corn Pops or Frosted Mini Wheat.

Also I love how Lucky the Leprechaun is relaxing in his cozy home with an offering of a perfectly balanced breakfast (did anybody really partake in orange juice and milk?) and the Trix Rabbit is cornered in some gritty back alley (also is the pencil oversized or is the Trix rabbit truly that small?). Through engaging ads like this, you might actually look forward to them popping up in your comic book. Imagine that! Soon Trix and Lucky could mean more to you than just breakfast cereal, but in turn, Trix and Lucky Charms might be the first brands that spring to mind when getting some sugary trash to shovel in your gullet at 7 am. Magically delicious? Or Implemented strategically delicious?

Nestle Quik Hop Shop!

It’s pretty incredible how some of these ads can work on a young mind. I haven’t seen a Nestle Quik commercial in decades and haven’t drank it in probably over 25 years, yet I still remember that Quik bunny suckin’ that gloop up while his long ears twisted around as if he were in the middle of some sort of powdery orgazmic trance.

Here we have an example of being “rewarded” with stuff you don’t need for consuming junk that will hurt you. Today, this practice of marketing has been (mostly) dropped across the board as it shouts “blind vapid consumerism” and can direct your child onto the road of diabetes and obesity all in the name of a Quik Bunny Plastic Mug. If you delve back into comics of the 1960s and 70s, you’d find similar “reward” programs using points to earn prizes aimed at children. These points were earned through, essentially, a pyramid scheme: Want a kite or magic set? Sell a certain amount of magazine subscriptions (for example). You could earn up to a bicycle! Though marketing like this “Hop Shop” ad truly reflects the consumeristic junkie mindframe that permeated the 1980’s: Eat to earn. Buy our products and earn cool prizes adorning our logo. It’s a pretty bold and confident move when you think about it.

It sounds like John Carpenter’s They Live in a way. Mostly because, in a way, it is. That movie had to come from somewhere, right?

Okay, so I’m being cynical. I previously touched on a similar tactic with Kool-Aid. And there’s tons just like this. I don’t look down on anyone who was into this. Mostly because I know for a 100% fact, I’d partake in this if I didn’t have such a strictly-budgeted mother growing up. The bendable Quik Bunny and Plush Bunny are calling my name. Then I’d probably go for the t-shirt and some “hot shades”. That ice pop maker and mug are swell too. I didn’t even drink Nestle Quik much, but I loved the fun design of the Bunny from the commercials. I liked him. Which was the point. They got me hook, line, and sinker. I delve into this stuff because I fall for it.

I actually sought out some of the prizes being offered here through eBay and paired them with the image above. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen that Quik Bunny mug at almost every flea market I’ve ever been to. Also, do you notice the 1950’s aesthetic in this ad? The music notes, “Hop Shop” logo design, and the way the Bunny talks? The 1950’s Americana fascination was only 30+ years ago at this point in time. The people making these ads were nostalgic for their era. For instance, what era do you see today so firmly replicated throughout marketing in pop culture? Ah, that’s right, the 1980’s. Which is only 30+ years ago at this point in time. Where does the time go?

Mr. Bubble’s Tub Tales!

Man, when was the last time you took a bubble bath? Is taking a bubble bath just a kid thing? Why? I remember always seeing sexy women taking bubble baths in movies, but that was usually because it was PG and they needed to cover up their body. Why can’t a middle aged construction worker come home from a hard day’s work to a nice bubble bath? Can we normalize that? Anyway…

The “mini-comic” ad you’d find in comic books is a classic tactic. In fact, I wouldn’t mind doing that for a living. Here we get a short tale featuring Mother callin’ in the kiddos after having a fun-filled dirty play day only to *GASP* be excited to take a bath?! That’s right, kids, because Mr. Bubble makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty! I love the admittance of saying “almost”. They’re just being honest. It’s not more fun or even as fun apparently. But the fun doesn’t have to stop in the bath! Because Mr. Bubble’s got them tees and sweaters to rock on your clean bubbleless bod. And a f**king WATCH?! A Mr. Bubbles Watch?! I wish I could’ve met someone wearing a Mr. Bubbles watch in the wild. Like, who are they? What is their story? How are they doing?

Regardless, this advertisement intertwines the idea of the main product (being bubble bath..er-uh..stuff) supplemented with the idea of wearing the brand out of your pure enjoyment for it. Whereas the Nestle Quik branded swag was based on “earning” it. Mr. Bubble just wants to be friends, bro. An adult sized shirt cost $4.95 in December of 1989. With inflation (plus $1 for S&H) that comes out to $13.49 in 2022. Not to shabby considering most tees cost around $27 shipped these days. Also notice the inclusion of adult sized clothing (as well as that rad watch). Mr. Bubble was a brand founded in 1961, nearly 30 years of business at the time. It’s appealing to nostalgia. Your kid would see it and might want one and there’s an off chance that you might too…seeing as you might have grown up with Mr. Bubble as well. That marketing practice is super common today as nostalgia has become almost the go-to route for marketing towards adults.

And, yes, I managed to go to Mr. Bubble’s website. And, yes, they sell shirts and little Mr. Bubble dolls. And, yes, I’m internally struggling with not buying them.

I always bring up throughout these Ad Nauseum articles how you no longer see ads for sugary snack cakes, candy, or tooth rotting “juice” drinks marketed towards children anymore; much less rewarding them with prizes for consuming them. Commercials don’t have the same imagination and charm as they used to either. When was the last time you saw Ronald dicking around in Mcdonaldland? Or Captain Crunch recklessly sailing his ship into a kitchen under the influence of crunchberries? Or Kool Aid man carelessly bursting through drywall? Lumber costs have skyrocketed you giant pitcher abomination.

And, in all honesty, it’s for the best. These mascots still exist but they’re minimal and present for posterity. Whenever they are used, it’s sparingly to appeal to a time where you’d eat this trash and not feel like it. As a society we’ve become much more conscious of what’s in our food and the benefits of it. I believe we’ve broken a marketing cycle and caused a shift towards a more healthy and transparent approach. It may no longer involve a colorful talking toucan or collecting proofs of purchase for a glow-in-the-dark yo-yo…but it benefits us long term. I can definitely see a day in my lifetime where all these mascots are distant memories. Where some 78 year old’s suspiciously hairy ears perk up as we’d recall “Cheesasaurus Rex” over overpriced space-lattes on Planet Starbucks.

Regardless, I am fond of this stuff. These colorful faces that greeted me on Saturday mornings and in between the pages of my favorite superhero adventures. The excitement I felt digging through sugary cereal I convinced my mom I needed just for the toy inside. Looking at the cookies baking in the oven to see if the Pillsbury Doughboy would actually pop up and greet me. It could be the time and place that gets me. But it’s also the marketing itself. It’s genuine nostalgia for something that was strategically planned and meticulously implemented by a boardroom of rich business tycoons. So undeniably American. But when you look at things that way…it kinda sucks the fun and wonder out of life.

Although the Art of the Mascot is indeed lost and I truly can’t think I’m better off for being apart of it, I can at least look back at it through the eyes of a child and smile. In a lot of cases ignorance is bliss afterall. Thanks for thumbing in between the action of old comics and reminiscing with me. You’ll always find “insight” into comfy comic culture here on ChrisDoesComics.

06/22/202006/24/2020

Ad Nauseam: Wizard Magazine #78

Look! Up on the internet! It’s another installment of Ad Nauseam: tediously long articles where I take the form of an elderly man sharing his geeky recollections of “the good ‘ol days” that nobody asked to hear! It’s been a while since I buckled down to write one of these, so I figured my subject matter better have quite the fat to chew. And our issue today is nothing short of obese, folks. I mean, I can practically hear it wheezing. Let’s set the scene for February 1998:

You’re bummed on the bus ride home from school because your Tamagotchi died for the sixth time this year. As you prepare to get off on your block, Josh the bully, compares your body shape to that of a Teletubbie. Embarrassed, you scurry off with clenched fists. It’s Monday, so you look forward to a new episode of WCW Nitro to cheer you up. You get home and open the door to your room, admiring the new “I Want To Believe” X-Files poster you bought at Spencer Gifts last weekend. You carelessly throw your backpack to the floor, pick up your Gameboy, and fire up your newest savepoint in Pokemon Red. The music of the Spice Girls hum from your clock radio. You hope they play some of The Offspring next. Nope, it’s Alanis Morissette.

Frustrated by the sleeping Snorlax ignorantly blocking your way to Lavender Town, you turn off your Gameboy and decide to finally study. But just as you’re about to open your backpack you spot the newest issue of Wizard Comic Magazine on your nightstand. You begged your mother for it, just as you do every month, during another insufferably mundane grocery store trip. “Homework can wait” you think as you delve into another issue, losing yourself in a world of halftone fantasies where you always felt more accepted.

Wizard Magazine #78: February 1998

Wizard was a monthly magazine about comic culture featuring news, previews, and interviews. It boasted price guides, advice columns from industry professionals, and contests packaged in its own slew of offbeat humor. It was also a spotlight on the comic community with monthly sections showcasing fanart, costumes, collections, polls, and reader mail. It ran from July 1991 to March 2011. To admit that “Wizard Magazine was my bible” would be a severe understatement. From my preteen years until my early twenties, it was a respite from the norm. This was long before cinematic and television “universes” and the ability to connect through social media to discuss them all. This was a time where mentioning “Iron Man” was met with blank stares, collecting action figures was a dark hidden secret, and no one noticed you quoted Yoda in your cover letter.

You can download a PDF of this entire issue here! Although I don’t remember having this issue in particular, you bet your bippy I transformed into my childhood self (sans a Godzilla ‘98 shirt) thumbing through it’s digital pages. Understand this is a 200+ page magazine. I’m not going to cover every advertisement offered. I’m certain that would kill me. But I did cherry pick what I could gab about most complete with bad jokes and embarrassing childhood memories. I recommend reading this while sipping your favorite beverage from a Disney Animal Kingdom McDonalds Collectors cup for a true 1998 experience…

Tomb Raider II Video Game

Looking back, it’s sort of wild realizing nearly every male with a Playstation crushed hard on a video game mascot that looks like she’s made out of cardboard boxes. But that’s Lara Croft, baby. Of course, as video game consoles progressed to increase polygons, Lara increased on the Babe-O-Meter. But even in the early days of Tomb Raider, she was still viewed as the sex icon of gaming. Maybe if Samus and Zelda wore some booty shorts and showed off the midriff they’d be in the same discussion? I was aware of Tomb Raider even though I had yet to play the games, and that’s mostly due to seeing ads like these…which involved Lara in some sort of cheesecake-pinup-pose. They certainly get your attention…but, at the time, I didn’t know what these games were about.

If you never played the Tomb Raider games…imagine an Indiana Jones adventure presented through a mosaic filter…but the protagonist is a rich British babe…and she controls like Frankenstein. Take note this wasn’t just Tomb Raider II…this was Tomb Raider II starring Lara Croft. The character had become so hot that her name became part of the title. And, on top of that, she was getting her own action figure just 2 years after her initial debut! Sure, she ended up looking like Michael Jackson’s mugshot, but it was the only way you could finally wrap your Dorito crusted fingers around a real physical Lara Croft. She’s at her peak, boys. And it’s simply not the late 90’s without Tomb Raider.

Wizard World Chicago ‘98 Convention

Besides magazines, Wizard also held some of the largest countrywide comic conventions in the 1990s through the 2000s. Chicago Comic Con started back in 1972 and was purchased by Wizard in 1997. Rebranded as “Wizard World Chicago”, it became the homebase for Wizard Magazine and its award ceremonies. It grew to the third largest pop-culture event in the country, only behind New York and San Diego Comic Con. The first comic book convention I ever attended was Wizard World Chicago (though I was late by a couple years to this particular con) and it was something that rocked my fandom to the core. It was as if the world I had been reading about came to life and charged me money to go inside of it. And although I’m used to paying to go inside things, I always got more than my money’s worth in terms of fond memories and special moments when it came to Wizard World..

With this ad, you can’t get more “1998” than Todd Mcfarlane’s dramatic mystery face. The guy practically was the comic industry at the time (for better and for worse). Spawn disappointed us all with his big silly Hollywood movie the summer prior yet was still hotter than Hell (ha!). Mcfarlane’s toy company was busting out affordable collector figures with detail like we’ve never seen before. And Image comics was puffing out its chest to bigwigs like Marvel and DC boasting some of the most popular comic characters at the time (#YoungbloodFan4Life). Nowadays, unfortunately, Todd Mcfarlane has been less “let’s revolutionize the comic industry!” and more “My mouth writes checks that my ass can’t cash!”. There was a time where I daydreamed about being this guy…but now I sort of treat him like grandpappy saying racist things at the family Christmas party. Smile and politely excuse yourself.

Believe it or not, this was a time when comic book conventions were about the comic book industry. A big convention like this would cost you $10 a day or $25 for a 3-day- pass. And you could actually walk around once you were inside. Today, a comic convention is an event in which you put a 2nd mortgage on your house to wait in a line for 16 hours to get a picture with one of the kids from The Stranger Things. It’s worth the “likes” though, isn’t it guys?

I’m not bitter you’re bitter.

Toyfare Magazine Ad

Imagine Wizard magazine but it’s 100% about toys. That’s Toyfare magazine. It’s published by Wizard, so it literally has the same flare, humor, and layout. In fact, I used to get these magazines mixed up all the time. The main difference? I would never buy Toyfare Magazine. Why? Because I was too embarrassed! I could never convince my mom to slap down some hard cash for a subscription, so all my copies of Wizard came straight from the grocery store magazine rack. And this was before the days of self checkout. At the time of Toyfare I was clearly a boy that was approximately “Too-Old-To-Play-With-Toys” age. So the embarrassment of walking up to the cute checkout girl and give her five bucks in exchange for a magazine exclusively about spandex clad plastic people was too much for a shy nerdy 13 year old to handle.

I had to quickly rifle through the magazine in the store. Quickly scanning each page and absorbing it’s information like a Johnny Five robot obsessed with capitalistic garbage. I had no time to be taken aback by surprising figure releases. Excitement was saved for a safer time. My precious moments were spent cementing release dates in my brain for action figures I pined for. Triple H Wrestlemania 16 Attire? Summer 2001. Now Playing Series 1 Darkman figure? Spring 2005. Scanning. 12 inch Power of the Force Boba Fett with real cloth costume? February 1998. All this data processing being absorbed before my mom waltzed around the aisle with her grocery cart. When she entered within range to command a “C’mon, lets go…” little did she know my knowledge of future action figure releases increased tenfold since we entered the store prior. I had an updated list of future figure daydreams. I could not simply abandon the mission. The future of creating new and robust playtime adventures was at stake.

I’m pretty sure typing that reinstated my virginity.

Julie Strain Posters and Lithographs

I decided to include this ad for several reasons…the first being it’s colorfully ugly…the second being I don’t understand what any of it means…and the third being it features an awkward looking Mark Hamill drawing. It’s three ads in one. Each one being more confusing than the last. So let’s try and make sense of this together…

After some research…Julie Strain was a Penthouse babe in the early 1990s. Think of Penthouse as Playboy’s younger not-as-classy coke addicted brother. And if you really wanted to bring that “sexually frustrated” aura to your room , you can buy some racy original artwork featuring her likeness. But if your parents believe the “Miami weed dealer” aesthetic has no place in their house …well you’re in luck! Because artist Rob Prior replaced all that nudity with 90’s sci-fi fodder! We have some laser guns, Vampirella attire, probably some power crystals (pretty sure she’s wrestling a dinosaur in one). They’d look great hanging next to your gas station velvet tiger painting. The pinups have a bit of an ugly retro charm to them. As for Julie Strain, she made “headlines” earlier this year by simply being alive. God bless, Julie.

The two other comics advertised have little to no online presence to be researched. I can find next to nothing on the artists either. The “Lost Heroes” comic starring Mark Hamill is pretty interesting because, despite being a futuristic setting featuring demons, Hamill is just drawn wearing a t-shirt on every cover. It’s clear they reached out to license his likeness for marketability, and Hamill just sent them 4 modern 8×10 headshots and cashed the check.

Hangar 18 Toys & Collectables

Wizard issues often featured some ads for “local” businesses such as this one. Of course, with this magazine being nationwide…”local” was a matter of opinion. Although I can’t recall ever seeing a store from my neck of the woods, I still loved seeing what others had to offer. Take “Hangar 18” of Wichita, Kansas offering a peripheral “Who’s who” when it came to a 1998 toy aisle. Star Trek, Babylon 5, DC, Marvel, Star Wars, and Spawn. Also Puppet Master showed up for some reason. Who invited that guy? Do you kids notice anything peculiar? There’s no website! No pre orders either. If I wanted that Violator action figure, I had to call that number, get mailed or faxed an order form, send it back with payment, they process my payment, and finally ship my toy. The whole process could take months. With no guarantees if it would still be in stock either. A Violater of my time perhaps!

Out of all the figures offered in this ad, I believe I only had a handful of Star Wars “Power of The Force” figures. The electronic X-Wing pictured here was a birthday gift I cherished way longer than necessary. It was possibly one of my favorite toys growing up. I looked up “Hangar 18” and, unfortunately, they no longer exist. What’s sad about a lot of these “pre-internet” businesses is there’s no sign of them existing unless you came across a random ad such as this. A couple years back I bought a couple dozen old Fangoria horror magazines. It was disappointing looking up so many of the “Cult Video” businesses advertised with virtually zero acknowledgement of their existence. Besides these little physically printed nuggets, the internet has been a broom to their footsteps. So tonight, my homies, pour out some Patron in remembrance of your favorite forgotten collectable store. Word up, my brothers-in-plastic-articulated-arms. Your essence lives with Wizard.

As absolutely syrupy as this sounds, Wizard Magazine was much more than a magazine to me. It was a ticket to another world I’d visit a few hours a month. A world where my interests and hobbies were not insulted or looked down upon…but instead celebrated. An issue of Wizard was always carried in my backpack or messenger bag throughout my life. And it’s a piece of media that has very much shaped the man I am today in too many ways to list. In the words of Egon Spengler “print is dead.”, so the need for this magazine to exist in modern society is moot. But that doesn’t mean I can’t miss what it was.

To be real, I enjoy looking back as a hobby. Nostalgia is a fun thing to experience from time to time. I haven’t looked through a Wizard since it was currently in publication. And going through this particular issue really gutted me. Every page brought a flood of memories back in a way that no “Ad Nauseam” article had done prior. This was a really bittersweet experience. And I don’t think I can go through another Wizard issue for a while. I’m a person thats always been about moving forward. But nothing has quite sent me the message of “The Past is Dead” like this issue and article.

Thanks for cracking open a 22 year old magazine with me. You’ll always find articles on the remnants of comic culture right here on ChrisDoesComics. Now, excuse me, I have to go purchase some LR44 batteries. My Tamogotchi isn’t just going to revive itself now, is it?