Ad Nauseam: WWF BATTLEMANIA #1 

Well let me tell you somethin’, BROTHER! Ad Nauseam is back and bigger than ever, dude! I’m grabbin’ comic books by the neck and lifting them above my head to the screams of 10,000 Ad-a-manics. I’m crackin’ these guys open and pulling out some crunchy pages of pure consumer capitalism, JACK! We’re talkin’ toys, video games, movies, all that junk you crave! So the only question you have to ask yourself is whatcha gonna do, brother?! Whatcha gonna do when another entry of Ad Nauseam runs wild on yooooooouuuu?!    

Before big budget superhero flicks and shared Marvel cinematic universes; there was the golden age of professional wrestling. Meaty men in brightly colored tights dealing out superhero punishment in the name of cartoonish melodrama. So publishing comic books based on WWF feuds only makes sense. Talk about your pop culture coming full circle!

WWF BATTLEGROUND Released August 1991.

WWF Battlemania was a comic book series published by Valiant Comics that ran for 5 issues from August of 1991 to March 1992.  Each issue consists of two wrestling “feud” stories, a double-sided poster, and – due to licensing terms – several WWF related advertisements as well as a twelve-page WWF Merchandising Catalog. Obviously these comics being absolutely busting with vintage WWF advertisements is why they’re currently the main event of Ad Nauseam. This is where the power lies! 

So fasten your Python Power bandana, play some “Obsession” by Animotion, and read the rest of this paragraph in “Mene” Gene Okerlund’s voice: Its the moment none of you have been waiting for! Reading about 34 year old ads from a wrestling comic book! Can it get any sadder? It can! It will! So lets go down to the cyber ring for all the glorious ad-action!

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WWF Superstars for the Gameboy

These WWF titles on the NES and Gameboy were so damn enticing but always a let down. Each new game I’d always think would be different. To be able to have an official WWF wrestling match in your pocket or on your NES was what dreams were made of. But those dreams of winning the World Title at Wrestlemania had the “fun” of a frustrating pop quiz in your math class. I can only describe this era of WWF games like a clunkier Double Dragon. Every wrestler played the same. With small rosters. One or two match types. No taunts or “finisher” moves to be performed. I remember thinking the best thing about these games was hearing the 8 bit versions of a wrestler’s theme song at the selection screen. Mr. Perfect’s is still stuck in my head all these decades later. 

Hulk Hogan & Ultimate Warrior Garbage

Okay, I choose these two WWF offerings because just look at them. I mean, the slippers are goofy. Fun…but silly. The fact that there is a large plastic Hulk Hogan head adorning the tips of your feet sounds like a request some crazed flamboyant sultan would make. Yet if I received these as a gift on Christmas morning, I wouldn’t be disappointed. Afterall, you don’t have the best judgement as a child. And you love what you love. So these slippers are ridiculous but appropriate. 

Now the “chairs”. Holy God. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. Even children of the 1980s had to think “Okay, now this is a little much.” A blue and red plastic chair sporting graphics of Hulk and Warrior on the seat and back would be just fine. But, instead, the designers of this thought it would be better to produce something out of your nightmares. A chair any child would think twice about sitting in. It’s like something out of Nightmare On Elm Street. Not to mention the simple reality that these are flesh colored plastic chairs of two shirtless hulking men that look like they’re constipated. They look like something you’d see at Elton John’s dinner table. 

Hulk Hogan Vitamins

When you’re a world renowned pop culture icon and one of your catchphrases is “Say your prayers and eat your vitamins!” I am not at all surprised that there were Hulk Hogan brand vitamins. I also wouldn’t be surprised to learn if WWF tried to release a Hulk Hogan companion Prayer Book. This ad claims Hulk’s vitamins are made with only natural flavors and colors as well as no preservatives. When it came to vitamins, personally I was a Flintstones kid. I’m not sure if taking Hulk’s vitamins would’ve made a difference as most of these pro wrestlers were as “natural” as a deep fried Oreo. But I do know I would’ve garnered far more respect if the vitamins gave me a handlebar mustache in 2nd grade. 

Lastly, it states that Hulk suggested “beta-carotene” be added. Which is a pigment (commonly found in colorful vegetables) that the body converts into vitamin A. Makes total sense as if you squint from enough distance Hulk Hogan looks like an unhinged sweet potato. 

Tiger Electronics

Can you believe this ad? The absolute gall. Shame on you, Tiger Electronics. “World’s Best Games”? What an absolute slap to my prepubescent face. 

You remember those awful Tiger Handheld LCD games? The ones we’d play because we couldn’t afford a Gameboy? We were told, “It’s the same thing, Spencer!” by our parental guardians. It wasn’t the same thing. It was beeping trash packaged in an impossible to open plastic shell for $19.99. Tiger Electronics would get the rights to some truly awesome video games like Mega Man 2, Tecmo Bowl, and Outrun. And then they’d create these simplistically braindead prehistoric “games” and package them in an alluring plastic shell complete with awesome official art and logos. 

Perhaps you’d receive one of these as a gift. Or see them on the store shelf and think to yourself, “Altered Beast?! I don’t even need a Sega Genesis?! And I can play it ANYWHERE?!” 

You just fell for the Tiger trap, bucko. 

The idea of just firing up your favorite video game during a car ride or waiting room was fantasy to me…because of course it was. These were not your favorite video games. These were essentially bedazzled smoke detectors wearing the skin of Sonic The Hedgehog 3. Barely resembling the title it claims to be that made you want it in the first place. An erroneous trickster playing on your childlike inhibitions. Waiting to let you down on your birthday or Christmas. Chirping happily through its plastic shell. Then, an advertisement like this pops up in your comic book. Claiming the title “World’s Best Games” as if it’s synonymous with Tiger Electronics.  

Tiger Electronics, I mean this from the bottom of my heart: Go suck a melon. 

Tonka WWF Wrestling Buddies 

The WWF Wrestling Buddies have to be one of the most ingenious and popular “dolls” for boys ever conceived. Growing up, these were a staple of nearly every friend I had. A Hulk Hogan or Ultimate Warrior wrestling buddy was as common in a boys bedroom as a flipping bed. As a child, you watch wrestling to emanate wrestling. You bet I’m climbing to the “top rope” to deliver a devastating elbow drop as often as Randy Savage did. But some marketing wizard at Tonka Toys had the genius idea to replace your common boring pillow with a pillow shaped like a wrestler. Incredible. 

From the colorful alluring cartoonish designs, having “limbs”, to being nearly 2 feet in height…these toys were an absolute no-brainer when it came to boys and their natural masculine rage for wrasslin’! So much so that these have inspired generations of “wrestling” pillow buddies from the Ninja Turtles to Superheroes to even more wrestling promotions. They make “wrestling” buddies to “beat up” to this very day. As these are still a nostalgic staple of yesteryear and, no hyperbole, one of my personal favorite toys of all time. My Hulk Hogan “wrestling buddy” was part of my “decor” from childhood all the way to having my first apartment. 

Afterall, there are two types of people in this world: those who have a decorative pillow on their couch that reads “gather” and those who have a 2 foot stuffed Hulk Hogan on their couch that reads “Hulk Rules”. 

Suburban Commando

Suburban Commando is probably the movie trailer I’ve seen the most because it was shown at the beginning of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles home video. Seriously. The trailer, till this day, is ingrained into my brain permanently. I’ve seen the movie…don’t remember it…but the trailer? I could recite it beat for beat. I don’t remember much about this film other than 1.) It wasn’t as good as I thought it would be 2.) The Undertaker makes a cameo 3.) I WAS FROZEN TODAY. And 4.) I think there’s some interesting Alien makeup/creature towards the end. 

As much of a Hulkamanic I am, I can’t defend Hulk Hogan’s Hollywood career. Simply put: it’s lackluster. 1989’s No Holds Barred is probably his “best” film as a lead. But even that is because it’s certainly a product of its time oozing absolute cheese. Hogan was the first crossover celebrity in professional wrestling, so it made sense for his films to be low brow, silly, and child friendly. They were marketing to the wrestling demographic of the time. Yet, even as a child, I knew these were stinkers. Not even Hulk Hogan could save them. What was most frustrating was that Hulk was such a poor actor. When it came to the world of wrestling, The Hulkster had charisma and energy for miles. Entertained millions live. But on the silver screen…he was subdued, monotone, and awkward. Every movie you were waiting for the Hulk Hogan we all knew and loved to break through. But it never came. 

Rocky 3 is easily his best movie. It was also the movie that catapulted the character of Hulk Hogan. 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain is also some great 90s cheese. Hulk made a cameo in Muppets in Space. One of the worst Muppet movies.  

But my personal favorite Hulk Hogan role? His cameo in Gremlins 2: The New Batch. What a glorious time capsule.  

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And now the point of this article…

 I began by saying professional wrestling is like comic books: Bright larger-than-life chiseled characters adorned in spandex dealing out massive amounts of punishment for the sake of melodrama. Complete with confusing history, catchphrases, and merchandise. Each weekly wrestling show is a comic issue featuring story arcs, “one-offs”, “specials” and “double issues”. 

With that context, Hulk Hogan is the Superman of professional wrestling. The one who started it all. The blueprint for every “superhero” to follow. 

Hulk Hogan wasn’t just the face of an era of professional wrestling—he created the era. He didn’t ride the wave of sports entertainment; he was the wave. A cultural tsunami that took professional wrestling out of bingo halls and into the living rooms, stadiums, and hearts of the entire world. Without Hulk Hogan, the term ‘main event’ would never have meant the same thing. He captivated the globe. He made believers out of skeptics. He gave hope, strength, and spectacle. And whether you cheered him or booed him, one thing was undeniable: you watched him.

“Mouth Of The South” Jimmy Hart and I at Hogan’s Beach Shop in 2018

I’ve been a Hulkamaniac as early as I can remember. It was never a fandom of peaks and valleys. Anyone who has known me can tell you that I never treated it as a fad. 

For me, Hulk Hogan is Americana. Nostalgia. A warm positive feeling. Like hearing the theme song of your favorite childhood television show, taking a bite of your grandma’s home cooking, or fastening the cap of your favorite baseball team. 

The character of Hulk Hogan was present throughout my life and attached to comforting memories. Even shared between friends and family.  Beyond television, The Hulkster adorned my walls. Hulk showed up in the form of birthday and Christmas gifts. Magazines. Coliseum video tapes. I had epic “matches” against my Hulk Hogan pillow buddy. Bonded with fellow friends over his feuds and matches; fought over who would play as Hulk during those awful early WWF video games. 

As I grew into a young man, Hulkamania never faded. Just evolved with a newly perceived sense of nostalgia. A “Hulk Still Rules” t-shirt was my first internet purchase ever back in 2002. A Hulk Hogan poster adorned my wall in college.  “Real American” was my ringtone for over a decade. Weekly “TNA nights” with a friend as we’d reminisce of Hulk’s career while watching him on Monday’s “Impact Wrestling”. I had the privilege to be a part of the sea of Hulkamaniacs and watch him wrestle and appear live across multiple wrestling promotions. And as someone who witnessed it first hand several times, even in a smarky wrestling town like Chicago, the energy does change once the Hulkster makes his way to the ring. Pure charismatic electricity. That’s Hulkamania in full effect. 

As my wrestling fandom winded down and I donated the childhood toys, threw away the magazines, and sold the t-shirts; Hulk Hogan was the exception .Wrestlers come and go but , just like the nWo, once you’re a Hulkamaniac…you’re one 4 life. 

My Original Hulk Hogan Figure I’ve Had For As Long As I Remember. One of the ONLY original toys from my childhood I still own.

Not long ago when Hulk dropped the “Hollywood” for “Immortal” when being introduced, I had a dark intruding thought of when his day comes the irony would be palpable. But Hulk Hogan was immortal afterall. All the legendary wrestlers that have passed so young, Hulk was different. He was the guy. Not the top of the mountain. He was the mountain. But, time and again, life reminds us of its precious unpredictability.

I’m not someone who loses sleep over celebrity deaths. But, for my entire life, I was a solid subscriber to Hulkamania. Keeping up on all things Hogan. Hulk was always running wild. 

And then it all came crashing down. Terry Bollea passed away July 24th 2025 at the age of 71. Clear as day, on the social media I’d see what Hulk was always up to; suddenly proclaimed that he was gone. That fire was extinguished. 

It’s taken a few days for this realization to hit. You cannot let the opinions of others matter. The profound positive impact Hulk Hogan had on me as a child and adolescent is what matters most. I always looked up to him. Hulk Hogan brought me nothing but joy and entertainment for decades. Even as recently as this year, when “Real American” hits the arena; I’d be glued to my television. His message was strong and positive. The type of message a young man needs especially without a strong male figure in his life. Fight for the rights of every man. Fight for what’s right. Fight for your life! Believe in yourself, BROTHER.

 Hulkamania will continue to run wild. Because it’s more than just a flawed singular man. It always has been. The legacy of Hulk Hogan isn’t just etched in the history of WWE—it is the history. Everything within professional wrestling worldwide that followed stands on the shoulders of Hulkamania. And beyond that, Hulk Hogan is one of popular culture’s most iconic characters. He’s the representation of strength, power, charisma. A Real American. Hulk Hogan was the phenomenon. The template. Hulk Hogan was, and always will be…immortal, brother. 

You can read more in the Ad Nauseam Archive.

Ad Nauseam: Superman And Bugs Bunny #1 

When writing the latest installment of Ad Nauseam, I honestly never know when I’ll be inspired next. The comic and ads have to be just right to stir up those nostalgic buried recollections as well as the ability to humorously riff on them. It’s safe to say that the comic featured today may quite possibly be one of my favorite pulls in Ad Nauseam history!

Superman & Bugs Bunny #1 released July 2000

A series of four issues released from July to October of 2000; Superman and Bugs Bunny was the first official crossover between the DC Universe and the Looney Tunes. 

During my time writing these, I’ve come across advertisements within comic books for things I had no idea existed; yet I could only desire for them to have been a part of my youth (for better or worse). But this is the first comic book I’ve come across that I wished fell into my pruney-summer Cheeto dusted 12 year old hands. Bugs Bunny and Superman are two of my favorite things after all; and they’re as American as deep fried Oreos and gas station slot machines. Unfortunately, post millennium, both these characters lose relevance as time marches on due to mismanagement by their Warner Brothers overlords. 

But we’ll sulk about the slow death of American pop culture icons in another pointless article. We have advertisements to chew the fat about! And this comic is practically obese with, what seems like, more advertisements than your standard 32 page comic book. So lets jump back to the summer of 2000: crack open this comic, blast the “Thong Song”, and be oblivious to the fact that every facet of American life will soon all be downhill from here. That’s All Folks!  

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Fruity Pebbles Free Movie Tickets

Fun fact you don’t care about: I love The Flintstones. 

I was the prime demographic for the 1994 live action film and ate that junk up like Dino with an oversized rack of brontosaurus ribs. I had the Happy Meal toys, a couple action figures, and a dream of one day owning a real life Dino the dinosaur. I was surprised when I learned how much vitriol the film received upon its release. So I recently revisited the 1994 film and, much to my surprise, it wasn’t half bad. The sets, costumes, and effects were solid as a rock. The soundtrack (led by the B-52s) was fun. And the plot, while overly complicated for a children’s movie, was competent. The Flintstones were always a lazily animated rip off of The Honeymooners to begin with, so I’m not sure what prehistoric sized stick critics had up their ass when this was released in 1994. 

Sequels were immediately planned but everything fell apart before it began. So 6 years after the first film we received a “prequel” with none of the original cast that Steven Speilberg didn’t even produce.  I’ll admit I only saw bits and pieces of this movie on television, yet I walked the entire set of “Rock Vegas” at Universal Studios Florida for a number of years. While I admit it had that Flintstones charm, it still didn’t make me want to see the movie. And, apparently, not even giving away movie tickets with the purchase of Fruity Pebbles worked as the movie bombed at the box office and is mostly forgotten. 

In 2025, I believe The Flintstones are largely forgotten and mostly associated with the cereal we’re seeing advertised here. And even though I love me some ‘Stones, I don’t trust their colorful sugary poisons. As I’m pretty sure their vitamins I took every morning were simply colorful rock candy with no nutritional value.  

Walt Disney World Quest: Magical Racing Tour

The chaotic camaraderie that Mario Kart brought to gamers was something that was quickly duplicated by many game developers. More specifically with the release of Mario Kart 64, soon every property suddenly had a wacky racing game over the course of a couple years. While some were solid, most were uninspired ripoffs that made you appreciate how well the Mario Kart games were designed. 

Walt Disney World Quest: Magical Racing Tour, besides having the longest name for a racing game ever, was actually a decent multiplayer racing game. But what personally set it apart was how each course was set within an “actual” depiction of Walt Disney World. Complete with music, sound effects/bytes, and environment. Before being able to watch 1440p walkthroughs and ride throughs of any Disney Park attraction on your phone, you used to have to simply recall with words to “relive” it.  This game was a nice little way to “retrace” your experience if you’ve visited Disney World, complete with the main menu taking you down Main Street U.S.A and selecting your course being a Disney park and attraction. I had a copy of this game on the Sega Dreamcast (remember that one?) years after it was released and I found it magically charming. Being a big Walt Disney World fan, I wasn’t even much into the racing aspect, as I normally selected “practice” mode and leisurely drove my go-kart to take in the sights; the Haunted Mansion course being my favorite. 

Being a 25 year old game now, I find it even more desirable. As it’s locked into a Disney “World” of the past when I loved it most. I previously played this game to remember what Disney World is, yet now I play it to remember what Disney World was.

Sportz Snacks 

There’s nothing quite as ironic as having a peak physical athlete at the top of their game being a spokesman for chemical laden junk food that will slowly kill you. That’s kind of the point of advertising though, isn’t it? Whoops, went a little too pessimistic there. 

So anyway, 

Ken Griffey Jr. reminds me of summertime. Playing baseball at a local park diamond. Sweating but loving it. Waiting for the sun to set so the fireflies would come out as you washed down some brightly colored sugar water given to you by your buddy’s mom. You were terrible but, damn it, it was baseball. And so was Ken Griffey Jr. Griffey was past his peak at this time. Notice he’s not even pictured eating the snack crackers. Just looking in the distance at something probably more important than sport-shaped snack crackers. And why wouldn’t he be? Griffey overcame suicide, had a line of baseball video games, and made guest appearances on Harry and the Hendersons, The Simpsons, and Fresh Price of Bel Air. 

Snack crackers are for small timers. Little leaguers, dig?

Wild Thornberry Cereal 

The best thing about coming across this ad was that it led me to a Breakfast Cereal wikipedia. And when I was delighted to find out they had an entry for Wild Thornberry Cereal, it just turns out it’s a page that simply says “This was indeed a cereal”. But it wasn’t a complete loss, as I discovered a website called “The Boxtop” (except the URL is not that in the slightest). It’s a blog for “Cerealists” established in 1999 with the latest entry going up to 2016. I recommend clicking around to witness the hodgepodge of culture you can only find from a web 1.0 blog. The Boxtop aka LavaSurfer.com aka Topher’s Castle also links several other cereal blogs. And I always get a little sad when the links lead to a broken page. But there still is one active link: Cerealously.net. I absolutely adore eccentric creativity like this that made the early days of the internet such a pandora’s box of adventure. 

Here’s Rick’s brief review from The Boxtop:

Boxtop visitor, Rick Barr, sent us this scan of a new “Limited Edition” cereal from Post based upon the Nickelodeon cartoon series The Wild Thornberry’s. Rick reports that the cereal “is great stuff… very sweet. Tastes like Sugar Smacks with marshmallows. If you like Sugar Smacks you’ll love this cereal. I’m a sucker for new cereal — got to try anything new.”

The Wild Thornberrys were my “exit stage left” when it came to the entertainment of “Nicktoons”. I was lucky enough to grow up alongside the golden era of Nickelodeon. Adoring such originals as Ren and Stimpy, Rocko’s Modern Life, Rugrats, and that prepubescent milquetoast cuck Doug . And I’m not even mentioning the iconic game shows and sitcoms. Yet, come the millennium, when a new lineup of original cartoons debuted I yearned for “my” cartoons. Yet I soon realized that it was simply time for me to change the channel, as I’m not the demographic any longer. Spongebob, Rocket Power, As Told By Ginger, Chalk Zone, and The Wild Thornberrys were shows that made me realize that perhaps I am too old for this stuff.

NesQuik 

I’m not certain, but I want to say the direction of this NesQuik ad was to parody the masculine cowboy smoking print ads of the time. If that’s the case, I find it pretty funny and an example of the creativity that would likely be stifled by today’s standards. Even though we’re in the middle of the year 2000, that 1990’s counterculture “edge” is still peaking through. I’d counter this ad with Toucan Sam giving Joe Camel a bowl of Froot Loops. 

Trivia: Did you know Marlboro cigarettes were originally marketed for women? Looking to expand their market, they began the rugged cowboy marketing images in the 1950s and soon became a “man”’s brand. Neat! 

The Mask/Pee Wee DVD

The most bizarre double feature at first…but also the best double feature of all time

So why are they advertising Pee Wee’s Big Adventure (15 years old at this point). and The Mask (a ripe 6 years old)? Because they’re fresh on DVD! The great conversion! Perhaps you bought your favorite records on cassette…then your favorite cassettes on CDs. 

If you notice, The Mask’s cover clearly states “This Film Edited For Family Viewing”.  I tried to look into what this means exactly but found no specific information other than “it has some obscenities and profanities removed”. If you go back and watch The Mask as an adult, you immediately realize that the zany-campy-cartoony overlay is mere makeup on a very twisted, violent, and even promiscuous movie. Which still dials down the source material in which it’s based on. But I can immediately see some parents “falling” for what was marketed as a “real life” cartoon character portrayed by peak-wacky Jim Carrey. The magic of The Mask is in the same vein as Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, but feels more Judge Doom than Roger

Superman Got Milk? 

TheGot Milk?” ad campaign is a true staple of the 1990s. A verifiable “who’s who?” of pop culture. If you didn’t have a milk mustache in some print ad for “got milk?” did you even really make it? It was like getting your own Spaghetti O shape or “READ” poster. Starting commercials in 1993 with the print ads following in 1995, you almost felt vindicated when someone you admired was featured in a “Got Milk?” ad. My favorites being Stone Cold Steve Austin and even freakin’ Spider-man. So it makes sense that Superman would be featured, as he is the “Man of Steel” after all. And “milk builds strong bones”, right? That was the whole point of the ad campaign. 

Well, actually it doesn’t. In fact, apparently the more milk you drink…the more likely your bones will break. That’s “Big Milk” for you. If I had a nickel for everytime a big corporation lied to me, they’d call me “Nickel-Man” because I would be known worldwide for having so many nickels. And people would be like, “Hey why don’t you deposit all those nickels, you’d have a fortune…” and I’d reply, “Why don’t you mind your own business? Then why would I be called Nickel-Man to begin with? Then Big Milk would just be lying to some guy that has a lot of money” and they would be like, “Hey what are you talking about? Big Milk? What do you mean?” and I’d just go “Ahh, forget it!” and motion that “nevermind” sign with my hands and go back into my Nickel cottage. 

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Well, that about closes the comic on another exciting installment of Ad Nauseam! From cereals to Nesquik to Got Milk? ads, I didn’t expect to get so milk heavy in this article but here we are. I hope none of our readers are lactose intolerant. My favorite part of writing this article in particular was browsing those cereal blogs. I briefly mentioned how much I adore the eccentric creativity that made the early days of the internet such a pandora’s box of adventure. And I truly do. People carving out their own personal niche corner of the limitless lawless internet. Dedicating time, design, and buying a domain to create a digital shrine of your passion.  Aspects like this still exist through social media. But social media is too autonomous and self defeating. But I suppose that’s “evolution” when it comes to our modern internet. 

I recommend reading the actual issues of Superman and Bugs Bunny as it’s expertly written and illustrated. If you’re into that sort of thing. It was during this time that “evolution” hit both of these American pop culture staples. As time marched on in the new millennium, the Looney Tunes and Superman became less relevant by the year. And, beginning with the 9/11 terrorist attacks, our country became more pessimistic, angry, and fearful than ever. And I don’t believe we ever shook that. The hate, fear, and division is stronger than ever. Our country could use the silly escapism of Bugs Bunny and the Looney Tunes. And we can certainly use the hope, unity, and optimism of Superman. But I don’t know if we’ll ever get those days back. I guess that’s why nostalgia exists in the first place. Thanks for reading about 25 year old ads found in a silly comic book crossover.      

You can read more in the Ad Nauseam Archive.

Ad Nauseam: Spider-man Magazine #8

Are you really here right now? You of all people? What are you doing here? 

It’s been 20 months since the last installment of Ad Nauseam! 

Can’t you see it’s over?! Its done. 

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE. TO FEEL RELIEF…in classic comic book fashion…IT RETURNS

Once again, it’s that special time where we crack open ancient remnants of “entertainment” from yesteryear and inspect the various capitalistic poisons found in between the stories of our favorite fabled heroes. Tooth rotting cereals? Archaic video games? Forgotten candy contests? BEHOLD: Welcome to another thrilling addition of Ad Nauseam! Why am I still doing this? I honestly couldn’t tell you! Excelsior! 

Tonight, we’re crawling inside Spider-man Magazine #8 released in December of 1994

Spider-man Magazine is an interesting little time capsule of the Wall Crawler’s storied history as it was published as a “companion” to the Spider-man Animated Series airing in November of 1994. The magazine ran for 19 issues (March 1994-March 1997) and was an amalgamation of everything that would appeal to a 6-11 year old of the 1990s: part comic book, part Zoobook, part Highlights complete with free trading cards and neat contests. It even featured the freakin’ X-Men.  

I found this particular issue tucked in between some “gaming” magazines at a used bookstore. Despite being a Spider-fan, I had no previous knowledge of this magazine but I’ll be darned if it didn’t still look as appealing as it did on the newsstand 30 years ago. This short lived magazine isn’t too difficult to find and doesn’t go for much. Unless you want the final 6 issues (which were only available through home delivery). Thumbing through Issue 5, I saw potential as its advertisements and layout stirred some personal recollections. It passed the “vibes” check as the kids say. 

Let’s channel December 1994. So turn off Garfield’s Christmas, put down that god-awful Tiger electronics handheld “game” Grandma bought you, chillax, and let’s swing into the advertised offerings of Spider-man Magazine #8. 

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Gargoyles 

Imagine turning the page and coming face-to-face with this ad. I may not have had money in 1994 but take all my pogs including my ninja star slammer and just feed me whatever this is. An absolutely chilling and beautiful illustration in its own right; I’ll do whatever “Gargoyles” tells me to do. Coming October 24th? You got it. I’ve marked it on my school planner. I’ll even pretend to be sick and take the day off. 

Of course this is for the debut of Gargoyles the animated series. 

You remember Gargoyles. You friggin’ do. Most adults of a certain age remember Gargoyles. Can you recall specifics? Maybe not. But the fact that this show was on air for a little over two years and it’s still something many recall decades later has to mean something, right? 

I’ll tell you what it means: It means Gargoyles was pretty badass. Do you see the advertisement up there? 

Gargoyles was essentially Disney’s answer to Batman The Animated Series. Dark, brooding, mature, and meticulous; it was a cartoon made as much for kids as it was for adults. Heck, it wasn’t a “cartoon”…it was an “animated series”. It was masterly animated, pushed the boundaries of episodic animated writing, and was able to be “mature” all while maintaining a rating for children and adults alike. The intro to the show alone makes me able to do, like, 100 pushups.  

While the show had a short run, it still spawned a comic book, toyline, and Sega Genesis game. Many in the animation industry have claimed Gargoyles as an inspiration and it even had its own convention that ran from 1997-2009. It was called The Gathering of The Gargoyles and the website is still live. If I was scheduled to work at a convention center during The Gathering of The Gargoyles I would probably bring a Pepsi bottle of holy water and keep a crossbow in my trunk. 

There have been talks of a live action movie and “reboot” for years now, but I always find Gargoyles pretty special as it’s been untouched since its original purpose. It ruled the night for a couple years. The sun rose on their time and they returned to stone. They never overstayed their welcome. And they’ll be remembered fondly. And in today’s reboot/remake/recast culture, I think that’s pretty admirable. 

Power Rangers Power Pak

I’m always going to be open with you: This advertisement is the reason I purchased this issue. I mean, there’s some cool stuff advertised here but this? This is the nostalgic g-spot. For a mere $6.99 ($1.95 S+H) you could become the baddest kid on the playground. As you’ll realize with the following ads, The Power Rangers were peak popularity and merchandise gold by late 1994.  The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles craze faded and the Power Rangers took the preverbal power ball and morphed with it. Personally, at the time I was completely dedicated to all things MMPR. You recall that famous scene from Scarface where Tony Montana is sitting in his mansion surrounded by piles of cocaine and henchmen? I was like that, except in a midwest trailer park with Power Ranger junk and Mondo. Almost the same. Basically

The Power Pak consists of a small unconventional plastic “canteen”, a “just come out and admit its a” rape whistle, knockoff lightsaber consisting of the least popular colors, plastic telescope that a Power Ranger couldn’t use if they tried, and an identification badge if the rape whistle doesn’t work. Sure, it’s just a bunch of marked up dollar store toys, but that’s the shameless beauty of trends. This stuff sits on the shelf of the strip mall dollar store yet slap a Power Rangers decal on it and you’re sending away for it like a mighty morphin’ sucker

An ad like this is why I’ve been writing these articles for over 8 years. Wow that’s a bit humiliating when it’s written out. Throw in a pair of plastic electro-binoculars, a list of demented far-left opinions, and mark the price up 800% and you can call it a “Luke Skywalker” Power Pak.

Cap’n Crunch MMPR WristGame 

Hey guess what? No time for guessing it’s 1994 and the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers are inescapable. The masses have kicked those pesky Ninja Turtles to the curb and have found new (non-turtle) color-coded teenagers with attitude. And Captain Crunch is docking his ship to the Mighty Morphin’ Money train. 

There is so much going on in this illustration. I love it. It looks like a flyer for an underground punk show plastered on a telephone pole outside a dive bar. We’re assaulted with the Power Rangers “Computer Wrist Game” but also watch VR Troopers from Saban Entertainment and, oh by the way, eat Captain Crunch cereal too. Sugary Technicolor Capitalist Vomit that I would get tattooed on my damn gosh back!

Even 3 decades later, I’m still intrigued. There was a boy in my class that had a Mario Bros. game watch that I thought was pure illegal magic. This kid can play Mario? On his WRIST? AND HE CAN PLAY IT WHENEVER HE WANTS?! The idea of just firing up your favorite NES game during school secretly on your watch was fantasy to me…because of course it was. It was one of those crappy little LCD games that are essentially bedazzled smoke detectors. Barely resembling the title it claims to be that made you want it in the first place. And the “Power Rangers Computer Wrist Game” was no different. And I don’t even think it even tells you the (morphin’) time. An example of the idea being better than the execution. Yet, I have to admit, it looks radical. Take your $8.95, Crunch. Because wearing this unassuming colorful robot the size of a can of soda on my wrist will make me the talk-of-the-town (and also the biggest dork on the playground). 

Nabisco Marvel SuperSnack Tins

Reward children for eating cookies. What can go wrong? 

Clip those proofs-of-purchase off that Chips Ahoy or Oreo package and send it away for a Spider-man, X-Men, Iron Man, or Fantastic Four SUPERSNACK tin. I’ve actually used the Spider-man tin to collect my spare change for close to a decade without knowing where it came from. The mysterious magic of Ad Nauseam at play, folks! 

As a child, do you have a favorite memory of a Christmas or Birthday gift you received? You probably do. But what about promotional mailaway items? Okay, maybe not. Personally, I always thought these were the most rewarding “gifts” as a kid. Cutting out and collecting proofs of purchases, finding a stamp and envelope, gathering change for shipping. Finally, riding your bike to the mailbox and dropping that bad boy inside. You felt like you were “earning” something! And then the waiting game began. Remember, most of these things took 8-12 weeks for delivery. And, in kid time, that’s 3-6 years. So you completely forgot about it. 

You come home from a monotonous day of school and you’re told there’s a package for you. Strange. There’s, like, never mail for you…you’re a child. Then you feverishly pull apart the packaging, the memories of what the heck is in your hands warmly floods back, and the serotonin goes into overdrive. Behold! Your long awaited treasure turns your mundane day into an exciting one! 

I’ve had many Christmases and Birthdays with gifts that accompanied them. And I am grateful. Yet I can’t recall most of what I received in those days. Yet I can name the 5 mailaway promotions I took part in. Interestingly, If I received a Star Wars stamp set, Superman poster, or Indiana Jones flashlight as Christmas gifts I probably wouldn’t remember them. But because I “worked” for those particular things in question…at an age where money and responsibilities aren’t vast…I remember them 25+ years later and appreciate those objects a little more. Perhaps the lesson being earning things can feel more rewarding even leading to pride? Imagine that. Who says these articles have no redeeming qualities?  

Here’s the commercial for the Marvel SuperSnack Tins

X-Men Pogs At Target

Spider-man may have been on his way to Marvel’s quintessential superhero animated glory, but he wasn’t the first there…as the X-Men reigned supreme at this time. So much so that Spidey shared this very magazine with the X-Men. X-Men already had some pretty awesome promotions but this one in question being arguably the most overlooked: exclusive “caps” with your Target Kids Mutant Meal. “Caps” being a term for unofficial Pogs. It’s difficult to get any more 90’s than receiving X-Men “pogs” from a department store cafeteria. Maybe if Steve Urkel handed them to you I guess. 

I’ve been to a couple Targets that still have traces of a cafeteria (referred to as “Food Avenue” in this ad) though not as robust as they were 30 years ago. The point being these department stores were a place to spend the day; complete with daily sales and a place to get a hot meal. I spent an obnoxious amount of time in my local K-Mart as a kid complete with getting food at the “K-Cafe”. Pizza, burgers, sandwiches, popcorn, cotton candy, and Icees adorned the menu. I believe they even had breakfast options in the mornings. And frequenting K-Mart as often as I did, you couldn’t help but notice the “regulars”. The lonely single seniors with their paper and coffee. The downtrodden simply spending the day there. Teenagers taking advantage of the sitting space to read magazines without buying them. And, of course, the blue light specials over the intercom that kept many of them alert. These “cafes” bred a whole type of culture of its own. Not a “coffee shop” scene…but not quite a “homeless shelter” vibe either. It was somewhere right down the middle. And there’s been nothing quite like it. And I can’t say I miss it.  

It’s interesting to think the modern trend is being able to pick up items without even leaving your car. These “restaurant” sections shuttered over the last couple decades. What does that make of the lonely, the societal misfits, the aimless youth that inhabited it? Was it for the best? 

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Well, folks, that’s another Ad Nauseam for the books. Covering some interesting yet silly offerings found between the pages of a 30 year old Spider-man Magazine. A couple years back I was working on an Ad Nauseam installment when a coworker asked what I was doing. I answered, “I write about old advertisements found in comic books…” to which he simply and genuinely replied, “Why?”. I chuckled but the simple question really made me ponder on it for a bit. I recall that interaction whenever I write a new installation.  

This is the 17th installment of Ad Nauseam written over the course of 8 years. It doesn’t feel like it’s been that long. But I’m proud of these. It’s a way to wax nostalgic to myself about things that a very tiny number of people find interesting. It’s a great exercise of recollection, bad humor, and introspection published into the void of my website. There have been so many personal life changes over the course of those 8 years that sitting down to write these articles have become nostalgic in themselves. I recall different times that feel long ago when writing these articles that fill me with a specific warmth. The kind of warmth I felt when writing about these advertisements of simpler times. The act of writing about nostalgia has, in fact, now become nostalgic to me. It’s a great way to glance at the past, smile, and keep moving forward. 

You’ll always find “insight” into comfy comic culture here on ChrisDoesComics. “Why?” 

Why not?

Oh, and below are the trading cards that came with my magazine. 

I’ll see yuh when I see yuh…