figures – ChrisDoesComics.com

08/05/202409/11/2024

Why Is Beetlejuice a Thing?

I was partaking in the mundane task of grocery shopping when something perked me out of my catatonic state of routine disinterest: right there in the middle of the dairy section was a themed display stocked with Keebler Beetlejuice cookies.

A bevy of thoughts immediately entered my head all at once. Like when the Three Stooges all try to walk through a door together. Being late July, I assumed I stumbled upon a “much-too-early” Halloween tie-in, as the same grocery store already had a few Halloween items stocked in their seasonal aisle. My second thought was “Why does it say Beetlejuice Beetlejuice everywhere?”

It must’ve been the work of the invisible waves of brain fog pumped throughout the grocery store, but these Keebler cookies gave me a proverbial fudge striped slap as I realized, “Oh, shit, there’s a Beetlejuice sequel coming out soon!” I’d like to think I was the first person to mutter that sentence in that particular Jewel-Osco. And for the rest of my grocery store trip, I began to not only unpack the fact that a sequel to Beetlejuice is soon to be released but to also realize, when you think about it too much, how downright bizarre all this is.

The cookies. The Beetlejuice. The sequel. All of it.

How did they NOT go with “*The Ghost with the Host-ess*“?!

We’ve been living in “The Digital Age” for a while now. And the COVID pandemic completely spiraled movie marketing and theater releases into an absolute flaming tailspin. “Blockbuster” movie releases are seemingly gone and so goes the over-the-top marketing that accompanied them: Billboards, cereals, soundtracks, collector cups, fast food, toys, video games, commercials, and giveaways. So much of the movie experience is digital nowadays…from your ticket to your rental and maybe even your purchase of the film itself.

Was all that bygone promotional buildup ultimately unneeded consumeristic excess? Of course it was. Did it make a film’s release a bit more of a special event? Of course it did. Yet suddenly, right there physically in front of me, were Beetlejuice cookies. Remnants of a bygone era forced into irrelevance now being driven by a ghost who hasn’t seen a movie theater since 1988. A dead art promoting a dead art. With one side literally being about the dead. It’s all so ghoulishly ironic!

Personally, I can’t think of a point in my life not knowing of Beetlejuice. I retain the memory of losing the head of my Beetlejuice action figure in my local Mcdonald’s ball pit. Or the time my psychopathic Aunt deserted me in a Funcoland store while playing the Beetlejuice Nintendo game. Or those tranquil afternoons sitting on my grandparents couch slyly grinning when an episode of the Beetlejuice cartoon came on. That intro was like dropping acid at an Oingo Boingo concert.

Would legit fist bump when this hit the screen…

But Beetlejuice became a buried relic of childhood and that’s where he stayed. It wasn’t until 20 plus years later when on the topic of Beetlejuice (which can be a very rare thing depending on your particular friend circles) made me realize I wanted to rewatch it through my now world-weary-constantly-exhausted adult eyes. So I did. And I thought it was really weird.

I sat during the credits piecing together the resounding mainstream success this particular film had. And it perplexed me on every level. I can see Beetlejuice alongside, say, Heathers…The ‘Burbs…The Frighteners. Known to some degree…appreciated by a specific demographic…but far from iconic or quintessential. And surely not have its history of marketability especially towards kids. Beetlejuice is a downright bizarre movie. The subject matter is incredibly dark and tragic. Yet the “spirit” of the movie is so playful and alluring. It’s like a devastating funeral being presented by a Ringling Bros. circus.

So how did it get here? Beetlejuice was an odd duck from the beginning. The story and screenplay is credited between 3 writers that (at the time) only had 2 writing credits between them: a single episode of the 80’s reboot of Alfred Hitchcock Presents and an episode of Amazing Tales. Of course, as we all may know, the director of this film is Tim Burton who, at this point, only had one feature length theatrical film to his name: Pee Wee’s Big Adventure.

Pictured: Director Tim Burton (Left) Asking Michael Keaton (Right) if he’d “be down again for this bullshit” in 36 years.

Many cast members had to be convinced multiple times to sign onto the movie…many thinking it was “too weird”. There were no major stars attached to the film. Alec Baldwin and Geena Davis, who played the main characters of The Maitlands, were bit players in a few television series. “Betelgeuse” himself played by Michael Keaton had some theatrical comedies to his name. Yet despite being the most marketable and playing the titular character, Beetlejuice has less than 15 minutes of screentime. With 90% of his lines ad-libbed by Keaton himself.

It all spells disaster on paper, but Beetlejuice made about 5 times its budget back at the box office. We’re talking about it 36 years later and a sequel comes out in a few weeks. The character is nothing short of iconic within western popular culture. Spit from an era that put Rambo, Robocop, and Freddy Krueger alongside the Smurfs, Thundercats, and Ducktales…I suppose the crude morbidness was never a question when aiming “The Ghost with the Most” at kids. He is kinda like Casper’s deadbeat uncle afterall.

But, just for my sake, I’d like to break down a few facts here:

First of all: Beetlejuice. Excuse me? That’s the titular name of a character. He’s a slimy conman poltergeist named Beetlejuice. Yet, in the film, it’s spelled “Betelgeuse”. I assume that is his “real” last name. He killed himself; meaning he was a mortal at one point. Why the heck is that his name? It’s not presented as a nickname. It isn’t established that anyone else in the afterlife has names like that. It’s completely unique, off putting, and strange. And why do you have to say his name 3 times to summon him? Such an interestingly wistful way of establishing his “legend”. The whole less-is-more lore establishing Betelgeuse is pure “outside the box” fictional magic. There isn’t a character like him. That’s why he was in a movie for 14 minutes 36 years ago and we still remember him.

Second: Beetlejuice is a villainous-pervert-scumbag. He’s not misunderstood. He’s not even an “anti-hero”. He’s a crude and morbid monster. He instinctively preys on the naive well meaning Maitlands the moment he sets his undead eyes on them. Reeling them into his long con: Which we learn is to marry a woman; which would allow him to cause chaos in the mortal world. We learn he became how we know him via suicide. He looks up Barbara’s skirt and parties with undead demon whores. He drops an “f-bomb” and honks his groin in a PG movie. When first summoned he intended to kill Lydia’s Father, Charles. And I’m pretty sure he kills the Dean couple via his “Test of Strength”. Oh and he tries to marry a 16 year old girl against her will. A 16 year old girl who plans on killing herself because she likes ghosts more than her family. Did I mention it’s a PG family film? Betelgeuse doesn’t have a story arc or any redeeming qualities. He’s a problem. He’s an anarchistic predator. And he should never be given attention.

I’d like to remind you that Beetlejuice had a toyline, children’s cartoon, fast food meal, Nintendo game, theme park show, hit Broadway musical, and was a Build-A-Bear.

I can only liken the admirability of Beetlejuice to that of The Joker. A maniacal theatrical character whose sole purpose is to cause chaos. Yet, despite the murder and fiendishness, The Joker is relentlessly revered within pop culture. To link these characters even tighter: Jack Nicholson’s Joker eclipsed pop culture the following year in Tim Burton’s Batman starring Beetlejuice himself: Michael Keaton. In fact, Burton ditched a Beetlejuice sequel for 1989’s Batman. It was the 1992 sequel, Batman Returns, when the studio ditched Burton. Why? Parents felt the film was too inappropriate to be coupled with a kids meal. To appease the mob, the Happy Meal promotion was recalled creating a ripple effect on the marketing of Batman Returns leading to it underperforming at the box office.

Yet, two years prior, there were Beetlejuice kids meals at Burger King. Beetlejuice: the suicidal pervy conman whose goal is to wreak havoc via prearranged child marriage. Stick ‘em in a greasy burger bag, boys! We’re good to go!

Yes, the file name for this image is BK_BJ. No, we do not go there.

If Beetlejuice taught me anything, it’s that if you’re funny and charismatic…you can get away with literally anything. A character forged in Hollywood. There’s another layer of ghoulish irony.

Although this article may sound down-on-the-juice, I am a lifelong pro-juicer. I’ve had friendships tightened over Beetlejuice quotes. I have fond childhood memories of the cartoon and cherishing my Beetlejuice action figure. I’ve fought, daily, the impulse to purchase the illuminated “Betelgeuse” arrow sign and install it above my desk. It’s only as I got older and truly examined the entertainment I grew up on that I realized the dark macabre reality of it. And I didn’t need some 6 part controversial streaming documentary to tell me. Beetlejuice, like the character himself, unabashedly flaunts it for all to see. Perhaps our whole lives are a dark room afterall.

And what’s just as strange as the journey and story of Beetlejuice is the fact that we’re getting a sequel. Sequels are rarely necessary. And, with recent films released over the past decade or so, I’ve come to the conclusion that movies aren’t even necessary anymore. Over 20 years ago I remember reading about the scrapped Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian sequel and breathing a sigh of relief. And, while I can’t speak for all fans, I’ve always felt content with Beetlejuice, his world, and his story. He was in a rare position being an 80’s relic whose corpse wasn’t raided by modern braindead Hollywood executives. But, like Otho lookin’ for a buck, they decided to call his name 3 times once again. And, just like The Maitlands, I am fearful and nervous for it.

When it comes to storytelling, I feel “less-is-more”. The genius of the character is not only Keaton’s manic charismatic performance, but the simple fact that he’s not even in his own movie much. Is more screen time for Beetlejuice a good thing? And with more screen time, you shouldn’t lean into some sort of sappy or tragic backstory for Beetlejuice…or any backstory at all. The title: Beetlejuice Beetlejuice, leads me to believe this is going to be a trilogy. With the third being called Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice “finishing” off the character. But is he someone redeemable enough to “Rest In Peace”? Or will he simply need to be defeated again during yet another supernatural con? Better yet: do we even care enough? Just because we could, do we ever stop to think if we should?

**Pictured:** *Literally Me Sitting in the Theater September 6th*

The recent cultural shift in America has had many claiming: “You couldn’t make a movie like this today” when it comes to many films of yesteryear. A tired yet true observation. And I believe it couldn’t be truer for Beetlejuice. A crude offensive politically incorrect bio-exorcist in a film fueled by death, murder, suicide, and horror violence marketed for da kids. A family outing. A product of its time. And a big part of me misses that time if not for artistic expression alone no matter how silly it may seem. Maybe it’s because modern Hollywood completely lacks integrity and creativity.

Taking an untouched culturally relevant classic and “following it up” in a soulless braindead era of filmmaking when you already said everything you needed to say 36 years ago? I guess, like summoning Betelgeuse himself, I’m nervous and weary of what’s to come. But I guess I’m part of the long con, as I’ll be at the theater early September to see the ‘juice on the loose’ once more.

It’s showtime afterall.

And, yes, I ended up buying the dang Beetlejuice cookies.

For posterity, I’m going to edit this article with my quick review of Beetlejuice Beetlejuice right here:

EDIT 9/10/24: Beetlejuice Beetlejuice was alright. 2.5/5 Zagnut Bars.

09/01/2023

The Return of Monsters With A Side of Fries!

Read The 1st Edition of “Monsters With A Side of Fries” here.

You wouldn’t believe it (or would you?) but there’s quite a crossover when it comes to the fandoms of horror movies and fast food toys. Am I saying that statement with no sources to back up my claim? Absolutely. But this is the internet. So what do you expect?

In all honesty, I’d definitely say there was an era of fast food history where the Halloween season brought out some truly memorable toys. Whether you ate your meal out of a Boo Bucket or inexplicably had a plastic Chicken Mcnugget dressed as Dracula amongst your playthings, there’s a specific age group (and weight class) where Halloween coincides with cherished memories of disposable drive thru junk.

In a time where any and all nostalgic memories are covered, streamed, shared, and posted, Burger King’s Universal Monster toys from October of 1997 have been covered regularly. And if you’re into this stuff, why wouldn’t you? Besides the toys themselves being incredible in their own right, there’s archived content from placemats to commercials. And coverage stems from personal recollections that can always be a blast to hear. But what if I said (in Yoda’s voice) there is another?

Enter 1999’s Universal Studios Monsters from Jack In The Box.

Jack In The Box is an American fast food chain that most people apparently recall but nobody has eaten at. It seems as if Jack In The Box can be categorized as some type of Twilight Zone-esque experience, where the mention of the name brings familiarity yet no specific recollections. The “alien abduction” of fast food chains.

But Jack In The Box had a kid’s meal called, get this, “Jack’s Kids Meal” that featured these very Universal Studios Monsters. Now, there isn’t much information on these toys. The toys themselves aren’t dated. There’s no commercial to track down. No fond memories or personal recollections logged on social media. In fact, at first glance, you’d think these are simply the 1997 Burger King toys. Which, I assume, most do because look at them.

I found these toys years back through my limitless eBay wanderings. A whole set of these are pretty expensive (for what they are) and the visual of them being so darn similar to the Burger King toys without the nostalgic coupling rendered them redundant to me. But I found a good deal on them due to a listing error, it’s the Halloween season, and I have an itch to write about pointless trash. I could tell it was the garbage stars aligning in the dumpster sky, my friends.

The Monsters featured are Dracula, Frankenstein, Wolfman, Creature From The Black Lagoon, The Mummy, and The Phantom of the Opera. Now, they don’t have kooky nicknames like the BK toys (“Down-For-The-Count Dracula”) or come with a cool glow-in-the-dark sticker but when you’re throwing in a plastic monster with my burger and fries, who can really complain?

Dracula here looks spooky cool with his evil snarl and cloth cape. He has a lever on his back that you press to unleash his “vampire strike” as the directions call it. Personally it looks like he’s flexing, but that’s cool too, because Drac always came off as vain (or is it vein in his case?). Neither have the likeness of Bela Lugosi. But they do look related. Compared to the BK Dracula, I think this Drac stands on his own merits. Yet the coffin is what really brings BK Drac ahead. I would’ve done some sort of “bat-transformation” feature to truly set the Jack in the Box figure apart.

The Mummy is my favorite of the lot. Modeled after Lon Chaney Jr.’s rendition in 1942’s The Mummy’s Tomb, he comes with his actual tomb that doubles as a neat winding mechanism. You place The Mummy in the tomb, wind him up, and watch as he pushes his way out. Complete with slow shambling action! I was impressed with something as simple as this. A great representation of this classic monster. With no BK counterpart to boot! A true original that stands out.

Frankenstein comes with his ACTION chair (similar to the one in Bride of Frankenstein) in which you press the button on the back and, gasp, his head lights up green! Unfortunately, the light feature on both my Franken-figures no longer work. So enjoy my digital recreational effects. Out of all the toys, Frankie is the most similar to his BK brother. Same colors, scale, and feature. Frankenstein’s articulated limbs make him look awkward whereas the BK figure looks fuller and sturdy. The slab makes more sense to “shock” Frankenstein as that’s where he was brought to life via lightning. As opposed to the chair where he was chained during his imprisonment. Perhaps “breakaway” chains would’ve been a more appropriate action feature? Did I ever imagine the designers of these fast food toys would think someone would be criticizing their work on a desolate blog 24 years later? Forget the burger and fries, that is some food for thought.

The Wolfman was my favorite (and most feared) monster as a kiddo. Even though his action feature was redundant of Dracula’s (both “spring” out of “boxes”) I adored the BK figure and played with him for years. The Jack In The Box Wolfman is much larger in size and has an electronic howling feature! Gently moving his arms down brings his head back as he viciously howls at the full moon. Being 24 years old, my Wolfman seems to have lost his voice…but the novelty is not lost on me! The nostalgia appreciates the BK Wolfman but the Jack In The Box figure wins the overall wolf-war (warwolf?).

The Phantom of the Opera inclusion in this line is interesting to say the least. Generally speaking, he’s not the “go-to” when rattling off classic movie monsters. Especially when thinking of monsters to “toy-it-tize” and put in kids meals. That makes the toy unique in its own right. Upon inspecting it, I was wondering just what the heck this thing truly was as it sticks out the most amongst the other monstrous offerings. It’s a flippin’ harmonica. After the initial thought of “randomness” hit me, I hummed into it and appreciated the creativity. The Phantom has musical roots and the toy features him playing his iconic organ. My appreciation all came together over the course of about 9 seconds. I’m sure the six kids that had this annoyed their parents significantly. Besides, it’s not everyday you can say you blew The Phantom of the Opera.

The Creature From The Black Lagoon is one the best designed monsters in cinema history! That makes him perfect for toys. Even though the Jack In The Box Gillman is a pretty awkward toy it’s still the Gillman afterall. You may think he’s looking to give you double high fives after scoring an awesome three pointer in monster-ball (similar to basketball but obviously more monster based rules), I assumed they went for the famous publicity still of ‘Ol Creech from back in 1954. This Gillman is similar to his BK brother in that they’re both water squirters. Self explanatory for a water based monster, right? Well Jack in The Box Gillman has, like, a little water pump method? He doesn’t hold water…he needs to be fully submerged…then you pull his waist down revealing a long tube…push it back up and he squirts water out his mouth…but you can’t take him out of the water. He doesn’t work nearly as well as his BK counterpart (which functions more like a squirt gun because duh) but any Creature merch is appreciated..especially in 1999. Personally, to set this Gillman apart, I would’ve gone with a windup “swimming” feature when you place him in water.

———————————————————————————

Pros:

Some great action features! While Frankenstein is redundant (but still fun), Wolfman actually howled, The Phantom is an actual harmonica (wut), The Mummy waddles out of his tomb, Dracula does a Hulk Hogan pose. A cool figure with your fast food is one thing, but having a neat feature along with it is just pickles on the burger.

Variety of Characters! With 6 monsters to collect, casuals to die hard monster kids could find something to like in all of them. And I always thought the Burger King line could’ve used a Mummy.

Good Lookin’ Ghouls! All the toys look like their monsters with colorful plastic and paint applications. The fact that you can see Karloff in Frankenstein or can tell the Mummy is Chaney’s Karis says a lot considering these are given away free in a hot greasy paper bag.

Cons:

The Creature From The Black Lagoon drowns! He’s not as cool looking as his BK relative. And, as is, he’s awkward and his “water squirter” feature falls flat. Making him the weakest of the lot. And it doesn’t take much to beat a Phantom harmonica for pete’s sake.

They’re all different scales! The Wolfman towers over everyone while Frankenstein is the smallest. Dracula looks like he can hug the Mummy’s Tomb. The obvious fact of being the Universal Monsters makes them a set, sure, but when displayed together they all look like an odd hodge podge. Whereas the Burger King figures look like a series.

Conclusion: Overall, the Universal Studio Monsters Jack In The Box toys are fun and unique in their own right. They’re a good representation of the resurgence and popularity the Universal Monsters gained in the late 1990s to the early 2000s. Although these monsters are cursed with the fact that they were outshined 2 years earlier at a much more prominent nationwide fast food chain. If these toys were precursors to the Burger King promotion, I’d say they’d be remembered more fondly (or remembered at all). But, instead, they serve as a forgotten sequel that simply wasn’t as good as the original.

Why Didn’t They Do That?: An Invisible Man figure that changes color under warm/cold water. Like, him in his red robe and bandages but then he turns “Invisible” (blue/clear) under warm water. Come on now.

—————————————————————————————————–

It seems nostalgia lined history has nearly forgotten these monstrous morsels of promotional plastic. Images online are mostly pulled from previous online auctions with a good smattering of images being of the Burger King toys instead. With the Jack In The Box monsters looking so similar and being distributed through a burger joint in the 1990s, I could see these being a subject of the Mandela Effect rippling throughout the mattering of myself and maybe, like, two other people.

On top of that, Jack in the Box released a second series of Universal Studios Monster toys in 2002! Information on those are even more scarce…with no promotional material or even a full set to be found for purchase anywhere at the time of this article. Not to mention the monster mixup when you’re researching the year, series, or figures themselves. It becomes quite literally a monster mash of misinformation. Regardless, there’s a specific cozy type of feeling when it comes to the Universal Monsters during the Halloween season. And perhaps, one particular evening, when the fog is thick and the moon is bright and full…I’ll venture across some 20 year old monster toys with the damp salty smell of french fries baked right into the plastic. And I’ll write about them for far too long all to add another tombstone in my cavalcade of comic culture.

01/30/2023

Ad Nauseam: Star Wars Insider #38

——————————————————————————————————-

The mid-nineties represented a reawakening for the Star Wars brand. The trilogy was remastered and released into theaters to coincide with a home video release. Accompanying that, of course, were waves of marketing that made the original release blush. With enough new merchandise to pack a Deathstar and the flannel draped galaxy-master himself, George Lucas, announcing a new film in the works, Star Wars had, once again, eclipsed popular culture.

But this wasn’t just some lazy modern nostalgic cash-grab as it was a way to introduce a new generation to the galaxy far, far away…and recapture the imagination and magic Star Wars brought nearly 20 years prior.

Star Wars was indeed special. A personal realization by experiencing this era firsthand. It was the first time my “newfound” interests were not only encouraged by adults…but shared with them. A time where I thought toys, video games, and comic books were solely for kids…yet shown that Star Wars was for everyone. Afterall, these adults were my age back in 1977. They were doing what I do now: reliving a simpler time through recaptured interests.

What we’re covering today was just a morsel of that 90’s Star Wars-Mania. I was slapped with a stack of Star Wars magazines lovingly shared by my best bud Eric. The intention? To see what overpriced plastic was being peddled to our small feeble minds a long time ago from a galaxy far, far away. And like a Gungan at a Tatooine marketplace, I had to stick my tongue where it didn’t belong.

Star Wars Insider is the official Star Wars magazine that grew out of the official newsletter in 1987. The title changed from the Lucasfilm Fan Club Magazine to Star Wars Insider in 1994. It’s still going till this day, with well over 200 issues at the time of this writing, which truly exemplifies the power of the force that is Star Wars. Though modern issues traded that prideful energy, respectful cadence, and welcoming fan interaction for something sterile, lacking depth, and more expensive. A true representation of not just modern Star Wars, but entertainment as a whole.

Star Wars Insider #38 June/July 1998

Besides the alluring Simpsons crossover cover, this specific issue had a Star Wars catalog of nearly everything available shoved right in the middle of it. My eyes were filled with the heavy nostalgic steam of carbonite emissions. A gathering of merchandise similar to a smattering of cantina patrons: Strange, goofy, endearing and kind of slimy. So lets jump to lightspeed and head back to a time when Star Wars was only a trilogy, heroes were heroes, and special effects were practical. When Star War’s only travesty was George Lucas’s poor judgment.

Technically, this is where the fun begins.

C-3PO Ceramic Cookie Jar

With our first highlight I’d like to state something: Any product that exists in our world…there is a Star Wars version of it. If there are chopsticks, there are Star Wars chopsticks. If there are window drapes, there are Star Wars window drapes. If there are cookie jars, there are Star Wars cookie jars (rightfully so).

Novelty cookie jars peaked in the 1990s for whatever reason. If you had truly broken into pop culture, getting your own cookie jar was akin to getting your own trading card series or Spaghetti-O shape. You made it, man. I can’t recall a single Na-Na being hip enough to actually own a Batman, Looney Tunes, or Star Wars cookie jar. But, hey, the crossover appeal was there. And you can’t blame them for that.

For a mere $275 + $14.95 shipping and handling you could be the proud owner of this 16 inch tall cookie jar of everyone’s favorite uptight worrisome british droid, golden-rod himself, C-3PO. Human Cyborg Relations? NOT ANYMORE, Bantha brain. Add Human Cookie Relations to the ‘ol droid resume now, Threepio. This ad boasts (3 times in fact) that this is the BEST likeness of C-3PO EVER MADE. Not only does it look like he stepped right out of the sands of Tatooine and into your kitchen, but he’s full of delicious cookies FINALLY.

My search results on eBay show I can claim this collectable for about half the price offered here. Which, $300 for a cookie jar is pretty steep. With inflation…that comes out to $538. I’m pretty sure I can get Anthony Daniels to bake cookies with me for that price. At least throw in an R2-D2 crockpot for dinner with my dessert. If I’m spending $600 on a C-3PO cookie jar, I’m probably keeping the various keys to my Lamburginis in it….not cookies.

HAN SOLO: SMUGGLER. PIRATE. COLLECTABLE PLATE.

Much like novelty cookie jars, the “Collectable Plate” market is often just as baffling. This hobby peaked in the 70’s and 80’s and was already on the decline by 1998’s standards. But God bless ‘em.

Nothing speaks decadence and class like a 24K gold bordered plate featuring several illustrations of Harrison Ford’s indifferent faces. These days, you may recognize collectable plates from the trailer park of that middle aged Aunt your family keeps their distance from. Walk into any antique store, and you may think that collectable plates were invented solely to feature the likeness of Elvis Presely. Regardless, I don’t know of any fans who were into the “Collectable Plates” of Star Wars. When you can line your shelves with statues, busts and lightsaber hilts…adorn your walls with film posters and original artwork…I’m not sure if “plates” even come into question. But to each their own. Between this and the cookie jar, I’m beginning to think Lucasfilm really wanted to corner the mee-maw market.

This plated collage of Han would set you back $35 (that’s $63 today) but trusty ‘ol eBay, the internet’s lovable cyber-smuggler, had a bunch of these brand new for around $30. If these were slightly cheaper, I’d probably go ahead and create a custom “Hanburger” and serve it on this very plate. I’d dine while watching “A New Hope”. Picking the remnants of my Hanburger toppings off this plate. A few shreds of lettuce revealing Ford’s disgruntled face staring back at me. His judgement seeping through me; making me question my life choices up to this point. The realization of my dinner’s main course…being loneliness.

R2-D2: THE TELEPHONE

Well we found it. We found the thing that I want most in this entire magazine. Understand, I despise talking on the phone. Yet I want it. I have no need for a landline. Yet I want it. It’s large. Cumbersome. Impractical. Probably annoying after the novelty wears off in a few days.

Yet I want it.

This replica of Artoo lights up, swivels his head,and makes authentic noises when the phone rings. The receiver is part of his leg. The image they went with is great too. That warm illuminated cloud city grated floor. A black gloved hand holding the receiver. Is it Darth? Is it Luke? Who are they calling? Do they have phone numbers in Star Wars? Weequay looks like he could’ve been a phone technician.

This bad boy was going for $99 in the catalog (that’s $177 today). Going the eBay route, he looks to be around the same price in box. And Call2-D2 was repackaged various times throughout its lifespan. From the “blue/gold space” Original trilogy aesthetic to the “gold/red/maroon” Episode 1 vibe to the “Guy Feitti’s hot rod” Revenge of the Sith look. It’s clear it was a popular item that the people demanded. If you had to make a phone call, wouldn’t it be through an R2 unit? He is a service droid afterall!

Lifesize Replica Boba Fett

Back before Boba Fett was an aimless boring old man that needed to soak in a Bacta tank to take out the garbage, he was the galaxy’s most feared bounty hunter that had a cult following for simply looking like a complete badass. A character that truly represented the best parts of “less is more” within the fandom. Mystery served Boba best and although those days are far behind us, I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t punt a Porg for a set of that sweet Mandolarian battle armor.

This is a 6 foot fiberglass Boba fett dressed in authentic armor made by the legendary Don Post studios. And I’m pretty sure it’s the most expensive thing in this catalog retailing for $4,500 (that comes out to a little over $8K today). I had to do some digging on this specific Boba in question, as the paragraph doesn’t give much insight. But I tracked it down through the bobafettfanclub.com (est. ‘96) that these were limited editions to around 250 pieces. The armor was cast from original props on actor Jeremy Bulloch from Return of the Jedi. It weighs about 85 lbs and there’s currently (?) one on display in the lobby of Lucasfilm in San Francisco, California.

It also states (twice) that this is not a costume, meaning they know exactly what I’m thinking.

I often wonder who would buy these and for what reason. I realize the business aspect of marketing this, I’ve seen “props” like this in wax and movie museums, but the ability to sell this privately is something. Eccentric millionaires could line their personal screening rooms with fun things like this…but….let’s be honest…the people who would truly appreciate this couldn’t fit it in their apartment or their wives wouldn’t allow it in their two bedroom ranch home.

There are only one of these listed on eBay currently…and it’s going for $18K. Considered a “grail” piece of Star Wars memorabilia. I’m certainly glad at least one of these survived. They’re worth a lot to me.

Star Wars Buddies and Luke Skywalker Utility Belt

Being me I have to briefly touch on some toys that brought up some nostalgic memories.

The Star Wars Buddies were bean bag plush that I felt like were capitalizing on the Beanie Baby fad of the time. I remember seeing a box of these guys in every toy store I had the privilege of visiting. They never spoke to me though unfortunately. Droids shouldn’t be soft and huggable. Jawas aren’t likable. Wicket and Chewie make sense, yet Chewie looks like some sort of hairy Mr. Potato Head. I would’ve leaned more into a set of various Ewoks personally, as the younger generation would probably embrace them more than the previous. I also find it interesting that Wicket isn’t called by his name. He’s just “Ewok”.

You can still find these galactic “beanie buddies” at various comic cons and online marketplaces for around the same price they are now. I believe more characters were made, as I remember Yoda, a “leather” like Jabba the Hutt, and even purchasing a Max Reebo for my own nefarious reasons years back. I can personally recall my friend Eric, who lent me this very magazine, had a bunch of these strung up adorning his bedroom window when we were kids. Heard he had to fight girls off back then. They were practically an aphrodisiac.

The Luke Skywalker utility belt really stuck out to me for two reasons: roleplaying sets were some of my favorite kinds of “toys” and I’ve actually never seen this set before. It comes with his blaster, adjustable belt to attach your suction cup darts, and “electrobinoculars”. What’s missing, as I’m sure we’ve all noticed, is a Lightsaber. In fact, there isn’t a lightsaber (toy or collectable) available in this entire catalog. Which I find more shocking than sith lightning fingers. The Lightsaber is arguably the most iconic prop in Star Wars and one of the most iconic weapons in popular culture. I did some digging and did find out midway through 1999, Hasbro recalled over half a million toy lightsabers due to “batteries overheating and rupturing”. Yet this catalog is from mid-1998, nearly a year prior. Regardless, it’s just an interesting and surprising insight, as you’d think you could open The Star Wars magazine with The Star Wars catalog to purchase a Lightsaber. It’s like going to Disneyland and not finding Mouse ears to purchase.

This roleplay set was going for $18.95 (about $34 today). It looks to go around $50-80 online, which is interesting for this era of Star Wars collectability as many toys were overproduced. I guess there’s a reason why I didn’t recall seeing this when I was a kiddo. I would’ve certainly begged for it come my Birthday or Christmas time. And it would’ve paired great with an electronic Lightsaber. Damn. Just thinking about this now makes me regret it!

1995 Darth Vader Power Talker Mask

This Darth Vader mask pictured isn’t listed in the catalog I’m sharing. But it’s an important artifact in my personal Star Wars lore. It’s not worth much these days. About $30 new in the retail box. I distinctly remember going to a local Service Merchandise with my grandparents one particular afternoon when they purchased this for me. I don’t know why I was getting this. I don’t know if we went there for this…if it was a special occasion or I was being rewarded in some way. I can recall holding the box in a toy aisle. Getting home. The sturdy plastic with a velcro strap pressed against my face. How it always sort of hurt the bridge of my nose. The slight dark tint the eyes gave my surroundings. It came with a speaker box adorning the “Star Wars” logo you’d clip to your pants. The deep robotic tone it made your voice when you’d speak into the tiny cheap microphone embedded in the plastic. You didn’t really sound like Darth Vader, but it was close enough.

I remember this vividly because that mask gave me a boost of courage. When wearing it, I was no longer afraid of the dark. Or being in the moody basement or damp crawl space alone. The weird natural bellowing noises didn’t make me dart off in fear. I was Darth Vader, baby. Dark Lord of the Sith. I emanated Vader’s iconic breathing to the best of my ability. I thought it sounded legit but who knows these days. The boogeyman himself could’ve jumped out in my darkened path and threatened me with maximum spook-age. But with my Darth Vader POWER TALKER mask on, I wouldn’t have taken his shit in the slightest. I’d probably try to Force-choke him, realize it did nothing, and then ran. My point being though, before that I felt badass.

This era of new Star Wars merchandise was branded “Power of The Force”. And I know I’m thinking too much about this, but it certainly was. It was THE POWER of Star Wars. It has had relevance since inception. And staying power culturally and financially.

Hey, since I have you here…lets get existential for a minute…

I was driving home last night and thinking about thumbing through this magazine and simply asked myself, “Why do I like this shit?” I guess…more specifically…”Why do I like Star Wars?”.

Upon posing that question, I remembered, as a child, tying an old belt around my waist while wearing one of my grandfather’s white v-neck t-shirts. It being at least 3 sizes too big draped over me. Underneath I wore tight cream colored long underwear. A cheap black plastic flashlight gripped in one hand. Running around my grandparents’ hallways. Peaking into rooms, igniting my “lightsaber” flashlight, and whispering “I’m Luke Skywalker, I’m here to rescue you…” to the imaginary Princess sitting captive on the bed. This memory wasn’t unearthed and buried under decades of memory matter.

It was reflexive. Like when a doctor hits your knee with that tiny rubber hammer. The memory I shared is my natural answer to the question “Why do I like Star Wars?”. Natural as The Force itself. As if my brain answered back, “You like Star Wars because you always have.” As adults, imagination fades with time and responsibilities. When we witness children doing this, we now simply see it as “playing”. And it is. But reality tarnishes imagination. It makes us lose sight of our simpler pleasures and interests.

Star Wars, to me, is tied to innocence, simplicity, and limitless imagination. It’s a story of good conquering evil through bravery, selflessness, and doing what’s right…even when it seems most difficult.

Star Wars was a bond between family and friends I no longer have, in places that no longer exist. Each film started with the iconic words, “A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…” and the warmth of this past I’m describing is beginning to feel a long time ago and with a history that certainly seems far far away. And Star Wars is one of those devices, the force if you will, that takes me back and, in the very least, gives me the memories…the feelings…of being together again. My whole life ahead of me. Plastic flashlight in hand.

Star Wars, now to generations of people, has sparked imagination, determination, and creativity for decades. It has succeeded popular culture. It’s biblical…for better or worse. Blasphemy? I’m speaking on popular culture…also for better or worse. Star Wars represents a simpler time for some. It currently is a simpler time for many. A bonding agent for human socialization. An ice breaker. Maybe even the very foundation of friendships and relationships. A source for positive growth and morals. We can’t all be Luke Skywalker…a simple farm boy destined for greatness…but we all play a role in each other’s destiny.

For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. You must feel the Force around you; here, between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere, yes.

Thanks for reading about some ludacris Star Wars collectables found in a 25 year old magazine and the impact this silly space story had on me decades later. You can always find offbeat ramblings on comic culture such as this at ChrisDoesComics.com. Until next time, May The Ads Be With You…Always.