iron man – ChrisDoesComics.com

Are you really here right now? You of all people? What are you doing here?

It’s been 20 months since the last installment of Ad Nauseam!

Can’t you see it’s over?! Its done.

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE. TO FEEL RELIEF…in classic comic book fashion…IT RETURNS…

Once again, it’s that special time where we crack open ancient remnants of “entertainment” from yesteryear and inspect the various capitalistic poisons found in between the stories of our favorite fabled heroes. Tooth rotting cereals? Archaic video games? Forgotten candy contests? BEHOLD: Welcome to another thrilling addition of Ad Nauseam! Why am I still doing this? I honestly couldn’t tell you! Excelsior!

Tonight, we’re crawling inside Spider-man Magazine #8 released in December of 1994.

Spider-man Magazine is an interesting little time capsule of the Wall Crawler’s storied history as it was published as a “companion” to the Spider-man Animated Series airing in November of 1994. The magazine ran for 19 issues (March 1994-March 1997) and was an amalgamation of everything that would appeal to a 6-11 year old of the 1990s: part comic book, part Zoobook, part Highlights complete with free trading cards and neat contests. It even featured the freakin’ X-Men.

I found this particular issue tucked in between some “gaming” magazines at a used bookstore. Despite being a Spider-fan, I had no previous knowledge of this magazine but I’ll be darned if it didn’t still look as appealing as it did on the newsstand 30 years ago. This short lived magazine isn’t too difficult to find and doesn’t go for much. Unless you want the final 6 issues (which were only available through home delivery). Thumbing through Issue 5, I saw potential as its advertisements and layout stirred some personal recollections. It passed the “vibes” check as the kids say.

Let’s channel December 1994. So turn off Garfield’s Christmas, put down that god-awful Tiger electronics handheld “game” Grandma bought you, chillax, and let’s swing into the advertised offerings of Spider-man Magazine #8.

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Gargoyles

Imagine turning the page and coming face-to-face with this ad. I may not have had money in 1994 but take all my pogs including my ninja star slammer and just feed me whatever this is. An absolutely chilling and beautiful illustration in its own right; I’ll do whatever “Gargoyles” tells me to do. Coming October 24th? You got it. I’ve marked it on my school planner. I’ll even pretend to be sick and take the day off.

Of course this is for the debut of Gargoyles the animated series.

You remember Gargoyles. You friggin’ do. Most adults of a certain age remember Gargoyles. Can you recall specifics? Maybe not. But the fact that this show was on air for a little over two years and it’s still something many recall decades later has to mean something, right?

I’ll tell you what it means: It means Gargoyles was pretty badass. Do you see the advertisement up there?

Gargoyles was essentially Disney’s answer to Batman The Animated Series. Dark, brooding, mature, and meticulous; it was a cartoon made as much for kids as it was for adults. Heck, it wasn’t a “cartoon”…it was an “animated series”. It was masterly animated, pushed the boundaries of episodic animated writing, and was able to be “mature” all while maintaining a rating for children and adults alike. The intro to the show alone makes me able to do, like, 100 pushups.

While the show had a short run, it still spawned a comic book, toyline, and Sega Genesis game. Many in the animation industry have claimed Gargoyles as an inspiration and it even had its own convention that ran from 1997-2009. It was called The Gathering of The Gargoyles and the website is still live. If I was scheduled to work at a convention center during The Gathering of The Gargoyles I would probably bring a Pepsi bottle of holy water and keep a crossbow in my trunk.

There have been talks of a live action movie and “reboot” for years now, but I always find Gargoyles pretty special as it’s been untouched since its original purpose. It ruled the night for a couple years. The sun rose on their time and they returned to stone. They never overstayed their welcome. And they’ll be remembered fondly. And in today’s reboot/remake/recast culture, I think that’s pretty admirable.

Power Rangers Power Pak

I’m always going to be open with you: This advertisement is the reason I purchased this issue. I mean, there’s some cool stuff advertised here but this? This is the nostalgic g-spot. For a mere $6.99 ($1.95 S+H) you could become the baddest kid on the playground. As you’ll realize with the following ads, The Power Rangers were peak popularity and merchandise gold by late 1994. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles craze faded and the Power Rangers took the preverbal power ball and morphed with it. Personally, at the time I was completely dedicated to all things MMPR. You recall that famous scene from Scarface where Tony Montana is sitting in his mansion surrounded by piles of cocaine and henchmen? I was like that, except in a midwest trailer park with Power Ranger junk and Mondo. Almost the same. Basically.

The Power Pak consists of a small unconventional plastic “canteen”, a “just come out and admit its a” rape whistle, knockoff lightsaber consisting of the least popular colors, plastic telescope that a Power Ranger couldn’t use if they tried, and an identification badge if the rape whistle doesn’t work. Sure, it’s just a bunch of marked up dollar store toys, but that’s the shameless beauty of trends. This stuff sits on the shelf of the strip mall dollar store yet slap a Power Rangers decal on it and you’re sending away for it like a mighty morphin’ sucker.

An ad like this is why I’ve been writing these articles for over 8 years. Wow that’s a bit humiliating when it’s written out. Throw in a pair of plastic electro-binoculars, a list of demented far-left opinions, and mark the price up 800% and you can call it a “Luke Skywalker” Power Pak.

Cap’n Crunch MMPR WristGame

Hey guess what? No time for guessing it’s 1994 and the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers are inescapable. The masses have kicked those pesky Ninja Turtles to the curb and have found new (non-turtle) color-coded teenagers with attitude. And Captain Crunch is docking his ship to the Mighty Morphin’ Money train.

There is so much going on in this illustration. I love it. It looks like a flyer for an underground punk show plastered on a telephone pole outside a dive bar. We’re assaulted with the Power Rangers “Computer Wrist Game” but also watch VR Troopers from Saban Entertainment and, oh by the way, eat Captain Crunch cereal too. Sugary Technicolor Capitalist Vomit that I would get tattooed on my damn gosh back!

Even 3 decades later, I’m still intrigued. There was a boy in my class that had a Mario Bros. game watch that I thought was pure illegal magic. This kid can play Mario? On his WRIST? AND HE CAN PLAY IT WHENEVER HE WANTS?! The idea of just firing up your favorite NES game during school secretly on your watch was fantasy to me…because of course it was. It was one of those crappy little LCD games that are essentially bedazzled smoke detectors. Barely resembling the title it claims to be that made you want it in the first place. And the “Power Rangers Computer Wrist Game” was no different. And I don’t even think it even tells you the (morphin’) time. An example of the idea being better than the execution. Yet, I have to admit, it looks radical. Take your $8.95, Crunch. Because wearing this unassuming colorful robot the size of a can of soda on my wrist will make me the talk-of-the-town (and also the biggest dork on the playground).

Nabisco Marvel SuperSnack Tins

Reward children for eating cookies. What can go wrong?

Clip those proofs-of-purchase off that Chips Ahoy or Oreo package and send it away for a Spider-man, X-Men, Iron Man, or Fantastic Four SUPERSNACK tin. I’ve actually used the Spider-man tin to collect my spare change for close to a decade without knowing where it came from. The mysterious magic of Ad Nauseam at play, folks!

As a child, do you have a favorite memory of a Christmas or Birthday gift you received? You probably do. But what about promotional mailaway items? Okay, maybe not. Personally, I always thought these were the most rewarding “gifts” as a kid. Cutting out and collecting proofs of purchases, finding a stamp and envelope, gathering change for shipping. Finally, riding your bike to the mailbox and dropping that bad boy inside. You felt like you were “earning” something! And then the waiting game began. Remember, most of these things took 8-12 weeks for delivery. And, in kid time, that’s 3-6 years. So you completely forgot about it.

You come home from a monotonous day of school and you’re told there’s a package for you. Strange. There’s, like, never mail for you…you’re a child. Then you feverishly pull apart the packaging, the memories of what the heck is in your hands warmly floods back, and the serotonin goes into overdrive. Behold! Your long awaited treasure turns your mundane day into an exciting one!

I’ve had many Christmases and Birthdays with gifts that accompanied them. And I am grateful. Yet I can’t recall most of what I received in those days. Yet I can name the 5 mailaway promotions I took part in. Interestingly, If I received a Star Wars stamp set, Superman poster, or Indiana Jones flashlight as Christmas gifts I probably wouldn’t remember them. But because I “worked” for those particular things in question…at an age where money and responsibilities aren’t vast…I remember them 25+ years later and appreciate those objects a little more. Perhaps the lesson being earning things can feel more rewarding even leading to pride? Imagine that. Who says these articles have no redeeming qualities?

Here’s the commercial for the Marvel SuperSnack Tins

X-Men Pogs At Target

Spider-man may have been on his way to Marvel’s quintessential superhero animated glory, but he wasn’t the first there…as the X-Men reigned supreme at this time. So much so that Spidey shared this very magazine with the X-Men. X-Men already had some pretty awesome promotions but this one in question being arguably the most overlooked: exclusive “caps” with your Target Kids Mutant Meal. “Caps” being a term for unofficial Pogs. It’s difficult to get any more 90’s than receiving X-Men “pogs” from a department store cafeteria. Maybe if Steve Urkel handed them to you I guess.

I’ve been to a couple Targets that still have traces of a cafeteria (referred to as “Food Avenue” in this ad) though not as robust as they were 30 years ago. The point being these department stores were a place to spend the day; complete with daily sales and a place to get a hot meal. I spent an obnoxious amount of time in my local K-Mart as a kid complete with getting food at the “K-Cafe”. Pizza, burgers, sandwiches, popcorn, cotton candy, and Icees adorned the menu. I believe they even had breakfast options in the mornings. And frequenting K-Mart as often as I did, you couldn’t help but notice the “regulars”. The lonely single seniors with their paper and coffee. The downtrodden simply spending the day there. Teenagers taking advantage of the sitting space to read magazines without buying them. And, of course, the blue light specials over the intercom that kept many of them alert. These “cafes” bred a whole type of culture of its own. Not a “coffee shop” scene…but not quite a “homeless shelter” vibe either. It was somewhere right down the middle. And there’s been nothing quite like it. And I can’t say I miss it.

It’s interesting to think the modern trend is being able to pick up items without even leaving your car. These “restaurant” sections shuttered over the last couple decades. What does that make of the lonely, the societal misfits, the aimless youth that inhabited it? Was it for the best?

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Well, folks, that’s another Ad Nauseam for the books. Covering some interesting yet silly offerings found between the pages of a 30 year old Spider-man Magazine. A couple years back I was working on an Ad Nauseam installment when a coworker asked what I was doing. I answered, “I write about old advertisements found in comic books…” to which he simply and genuinely replied, “Why?”. I chuckled but the simple question really made me ponder on it for a bit. I recall that interaction whenever I write a new installation.

This is the 17th installment of Ad Nauseam written over the course of 8 years. It doesn’t feel like it’s been that long. But I’m proud of these. It’s a way to wax nostalgic to myself about things that a very tiny number of people find interesting. It’s a great exercise of recollection, bad humor, and introspection published into the void of my website. There have been so many personal life changes over the course of those 8 years that sitting down to write these articles have become nostalgic in themselves. I recall different times that feel long ago when writing these articles that fill me with a specific warmth. The kind of warmth I felt when writing about these advertisements of simpler times. The act of writing about nostalgia has, in fact, now become nostalgic to me. It’s a great way to glance at the past, smile, and keep moving forward.

You’ll always find “insight” into comfy comic culture here on ChrisDoesComics. “Why?”

Why not?

Oh, and below are the trading cards that came with my magazine.