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Ad Nauseum: Magneto #2

Hey, I heard you guys like trash. Welcome to another installment of Ad Nauseum: a completely original idea where I look at old ads from childhood comic books and write about them as a means to escape an unfillable void!

Let’s wind the clocks back to December 1996, a time where Superman inexplicably had a mullet, Nickelodeon was in its golden era, Bill Clinton was totally not getting head in the oval office, and Michael Jordan kept telling me I should buy a particular brand of hot dogs based solely on plumpness.

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Magneto Vol. 1 Issue 2 December 1996

Magneto is quite possibly one of my favorite comic book characters of all time. And riding that X-Men high from the mid-90’s, he was able to acquire his own title in the form of several miniseries throughout the era. This is the first of 3 miniseries and is the second of four issues. In this particular issues Magneto does such badass things as cry about his daughter and complain about violence. Let me remind you this was the 1990s, which means every character you were reading about was always revealed to be a clone or cyborg. Duh! 

I found this issue in a clearance drawer for 50 cents. And even though the bookstore was nearly empty, the one customer besides myself was browsing the same section without a shred of decency concerning personal space. Humans are very irritating.  So it’s fitting this all led me to a Magneto comic. He smelled like stale pizza rolls.

Let’s see what we got between these dank smelling yellowed pages…

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Universal’s Islands of Adventure Theme Park

Universal’s “newest” theme park didn’t open until 1999 but they built up years anticipation in what is one of their earliest ads! The park was a smorgasbord of Intellectual Properties such as Jurassic Park, Dr. Seuss, and Marvel Superheroes. In this particular ad the park “skyline” is illustrated from early concepts and is showcasing the Incredible Hulk roller coaster!

I was lucky enough to visit Islands of Adventure multiple times as early as 2000.  And as much as I enjoy Disney, it was a very special feeling to be among superheroes at Marvel Superhero Island. I seen ads in my Marvel comics for years building up this section of the park. Realize this was long before a cinematic universe. Tony Stark and Stan Lee were names only “nerds” recognized. Walking around this colorful “city” ripped straight from comic panels, passing Kingpin’s “gambling” arcade, and Fantastic Four’s cafe seemed to good to be true. Walking through Dr. Doom’s fortress and seeing an army of full scale Doombots was incredible!

Due to Disney now owning the rights to Marvel, Universal Islands of Adventure has an agreement to still use the characters for this section of the park but Universal can only use what they have. Therefore the Island is stuck in this late 90s era of Marvel comics style. This may seem disappointing with how much Marvel has grown in the years but I find it very comforting to see this piece of childhood nostalgia frozen in time when comics were most important to me. ‘Nuff said! 

Editors note: The park does not feature a twelve story raging Hulk. Sorry.

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Crash Bandicoot Video Game

This ad for Crash Bandicoot on the Playstation perfectly exemplifies the 1990s counter culture “attitude” of the era. The idea of costumed characters in rebellious “adult” situations mixed with the crude “handwritten” messages to create this almost scrapbook-like advertisement was fresh and cool way of marketing your garbage.

I didn’t pick up a copy of Crash Bandicoot until it was a “Greatest Hit” on the Playstation about 3 years later. This was a great 3D platforming game with solid humor and a fun style. It was Playstation’s attempt at a Mario or Sonic. And though Crash was cool and had good games to back him up, he never really met that level. My favorite thing about this ad is definitely the picture of Crash showing of his new game at Nintendo headquarters.

My main question is why Crash is traveling to Seattle exactly. Perhaps this was a series of ads that featured Crash traveling major cities to show off his new game? If anything, Crash taught me that a Bandicoot is an actual living animal. A marsupial based in Australia. Though I highly doubt they can drive automobiles. Who said video games rot your brain?

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Marvel Online

Well now the masses have access to this thing called the internet. And American Online was a browser that pretty much streamlined it to where anyone can use it.

Having a website at this time meant you were somebody. And the mere idea of the internet to someone like myself was expansive in thought yet limited in execution. I remember one of my first interactions with the internet involved me trying to wrap my head around being able to look up information on anything. My fingers hovering over the keyboard overwhelmed. I specifically remember visiting the official website of Star Wars, Indiana Jones, WWF, Disney, and Marvel. Take it, there wasn’t much to these sites back then…but it was still a new exciting experience. And little did I know Disney would end up owning mostly everything I loved.

This ad for Marvel Online in particular takes me back to the early days of internet. Calling itself the “C Y B E R V E R S E” with exclusive features like Live Chat Sessions, Cybercomics, and Message boards. Message boards were probably my favorite thing about the internet. Being able to connect with other fans all over the world about such niche interests and hobbies was fascinating at the time. Being able to access exclusive comics of Spider-man or Wolverine for free was something captivating.

In this time, when left to your own devices, you had what you had. But the idea of having a device that was constantly updating, evolving, and changing around your interests and hobbies but being able to access it anytime? It was mind bending. Suddenly being “stuck” in video games and not knowing song lyrics was gone….expansive knowledge on your favorite subjects you can only find in libraries was all there. And it was just waiting for you to find it.

Also AOL Keywords. That was a thing.

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Millennium TV Series

Sometime in the late 1990s somebody at Fox thought it’d be a good idea to put Lance Hendrickson’s enormous head on television and I actually watched it every week with my grandma. Well, really, X-Files was huge at the time and the creator decided to give another swing with a series titled Millennium. 

It’s about an ex-FBI agent that can read the minds of criminals and works in Seattle where he probably ran into Crash Bandicoot. The series ran for 3 seasons and was cancelled right before the friggen’ Millennium! So close! Imagine the X-Files meets Se7en and you got yourself Millennium. I remember the show being very atmospheric and gritty. And you can use those words to describe Lance Hendrickson’s forehead alone. After it’s cancellation it had a crossover with the X-Files for an episode to give things closure.

And, after that, Lance Hendrickson decided to haunt every horror convention within a 1200 mile radius of his home.

If that’s not enough for you, IDW actually published a 5 issue Millennium series of comics in 2015 proving that nearly anything can get revived as a comic! And I sit here like an idiot waiting for a Perfect Strangers season 9 in comic form.

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Bonus! Macfarlane Movie Maniacs! (Bloody Edition) 

Oh, sweet nectar of the horror Gods! I praise thee!

McFarlane Toys was pretty much the company that stepped up and made adult collectable action figures a thing (in the US anyway). Started by Spawn creator and human slinky dog, Todd McFarlane, McFarlane Toys took IPs that appealed to adults and made super detailed high end collectable figures. The Movie Maniacs line took R-rated slashers like Freddy Krueger, Michael Myers, Norman Bates, Leatherface, and Jason Vorhees, packaged them, and sold them so your mom could complain about how you’re well on your way to becoming a serial killer.

The set pictured featured “blood splattered” variants in which you can order all 3 for $29.95. Pretty incredible considering a single figure fetches a price of around $50 unpackaged nowadays. To much surprise, I actually never owned a single McFarlane Movie Maniac. And the series expanded quite bit from Predator and Terminator to The Blair Witch and even Shaft for some reason.

I couldn’t tell you why I never partook in buying a single action figure from a toy line that seemed to be marketed specifically for me...it could’ve been that I was too caught up in Sideshow Collectable Universal Monsters figures…or I was simply too thick headed to pick up on signals like that girl in my art class junior year of high school (sorry Liz).

Looks like we’re on the last page of Magneto Vol. 1 Issue 2  from December 1996. I hope you enjoyed reading my overblown recollection of theme parks, Lance Hendrickson, and bloody action figures. While typing this article I actually had a coworker ask what I was doing. After I explained they had a look of complete bafflement on their face and simply asked, “Why?”. 

I honestly didn’t have an answer.

You’ll always find articles on ancient comic culture right here on ChrisDoesComics. Until next time, fiends!

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Ad Nauseam: Fantastic Force #2

Welcome back, Space Ranger, to another “stomping” edition of Ad Nauseam! It’s the only article on the web published at 12:53 PM that features old comic ads likely forgotten for a reason written by someone with arrested development!

Tonight we travel back to December 1994, a time where the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers ruled our televisions and Cookie Crisp rotted our teeth. Also Big Daddy Cool  Diesel was WWF Champion and you can do what you will with that information. Among all the radical comics featuring popular antiheroes like Venom, Wolverine, and Jughead I present you with none of those characters! Instead here’s a comic I found in a dirty clearance drawer between 2 issues of Witchblade!

Fantastic Force Vol. 1 Issue 2 December 1994

Fantastic Force is a group of intergalactic heroes led by none other than Mr. Fantastic’s son, Franklin Richards. Fantastic Force ran along side Marvel’s first family, Fantastic Four,  for 18 issues (1994-1996). In 2018, You can find issues of Fantastic Force‘s adventures in the 25 cent bin of any comic convention or as a makeshift rug underneath a cat’s litter box. According to the cover, this is their “2nd Stomping Issue!” which is an interesting (non)adjective to use. Not “explosive!” or “exciting!”. Perhaps they have a “3rd Sleeping Issue!”. 

So join me and the little dignity I have left as we delve deep into the mysterious cosmos and spaceways of the world’s greatest fighting team: Fantastic Force! (Wait, if they’re an intergalactic team what “world” are they the greatest fighting team on?)

Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Sport Pak

I’m not going to lie to you: This advertisement is the reason I purchased this issue. I mean, there’s some cool stuff advertised here but this? This is nostalgic pornography to me.

For a mere $14.99 ($1.95 S+H) you could become the baddest kid on the playground. As you’ll realize with the following ads, The Power Rangers were peak popularity and merchandise gold in late 1994.  The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles craze had faded and the Power Rangers took the preverbal ball and ran with it. Personally speaking, at the time I was completely engulfed in all things MMPR. You know that famous scene from Scarface where Tony Montana is sitting in his mansion surround by piles of cocaine and loyal henchmen? I was like that, except with Power Ranger merchandise and Kool-Aid Jammers.

I had toys, clothes, a lunchbox, and I was even a member of the Power Rangers Fan Club (I used to kiss an 8×10 of Kimberly before school). But seeing this particular ad actually gutted me with a emotional Dragon Dagger 24 years in the making. I could’ve whipped that football at my dog’s head, I could’ve gotten bored with that kickball within 5 minutes, I could’ve accidentally threw that frisbee on the roof, I could’ve chugged chocolate milk for a unique experience through that bottle, and I could’ve lost that sports bag on the 3rd day at school. Sure, it’s just a bunch of  marked up dollar store toys, but that’s the point! An ad like this is why I write these articles.

Power Rangers…you mighty morphed your way right into my heart.

Sweetarts Marvel Superhero Contest

I think I’ve mentioned in nearly every Ad Nauseam article the drastic change of marketing junk food towards children in modern times. You no longer get rewarded with points, prizes, or giveaways. Eating healthy is a reward within itself and that’s the route a lot of these companies have taken as well.  This isn’t a bad thing whatsoever and it does make looking back at ads like this much more interesting and nostalgic. And over the years there have certainly been some interesting and unique techniques to market these treats.

In the ad featured we have Sweetarts which was a personal favorite candy of mine when I was a kid. You mail away a form found on select Sweetarts packaging and you could win to a trip to New York, tour Marvel Comics Studios, and get drawn as a superhero by a Marvel comic artist. Pretty dang cool. Runner up prizes include a ton of X-Men and Spider-man merch as well. My favorite aspect of this ad has to be all the Marvel characters explaining how they became Superheroes. I’d love an alternate ad that would have The Punisher stating, “Get Your Family Murdered…”,  or Ghost Rider explaining, “Make A Deal With Satan…” or Man-Thing mumbling, “Escape from Terrorists After Being Betrayed By Your Wife…”.

Perhaps the kid in the superhero garb could have a gaunt regrettable look on his face. I think it really nails the experience of eating Sweetarts: At first it’s great, then you feel bitter. Kind of like going on Facebook.

Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers on Sega Genesis, Game Gear, And Sega CD!

I never had a Sega console until the Dreamcast. I purchased it used for $60 at a store called the Music Recyclery in the early 2000s. A friend of mine had a Sega Genesis but we rarely played video games when we hung out together. I was a Nintendo kid and concerning The Power Rangers, I had rented their two video games on the Super Nintendo a number of times. I can only describe them as Diet Streets of Rage with some Dollar Store Street Fighter Megazord levels thrown in-between.  But, as a diehard fan, they did the job and were passable games even till this day.

Concerning the Sega versions, the ad pictured shows screenshots of the Genesis game. This version was a Street Fighter-esque fighting game strung together by some cutscenes to present a by-the-mill MMPR story. You picked your Ranger, fought a monster, monster grew, you fought the monster as a Megazord. The Game gear version was similar except, you know, downgraded for the Game Gear. But the Sega CD version? That was interesting. The Sega CD often boasted about it’s “full motion video” which often led to “lazy boring games” and this Power Ranger “game” was no different. It was a full episode of the show. Button prompts would pop up on screen during the fights and you’d press them. Hit the right button you’d get points. Hit the wrong button you wouldn’t. But the video would continue no matter what you did.  So, essentially, you paid $50 for a 22 minute episode of the Power Rangers in 240p. Sure glad I had my Nintendo.

In the video game category, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles had The Power Rangers beat.

Double Dragon The Movie!

In 1993 we were gifted the Super Mario Bros. movie by cinema gods. The following year we were to be treated yet again to another game-to-film masterpiece we simply were not ready for: Double Dragon . I find the Super Mario movie to be a guilty pleasure. It’s like Dark City meets Lost World: Jurassic Park in the best and worst way possible. I wish Double Dragon were in the same category but it’s simply not. It’s just bad in a power glove type of way.

Double Dragon is based on the popular arcade game and it really blew up once it was ported to the NES. Your girlfriend gets punched in the stomach by a gang and you either pick Jimmy or Billy (they share the girlfriend?) to karate your way through the mean streets and get her back. And somewhere in time somebody thought that was 95 minute movie material. The T-1000 from T2 plays Koga Shuko, the dime store Gary Oldman villain who transforms into Bib Fortuna, Billy and Jimmy only wear their trademark outfits for 5 minutes, and production made Alyssa Milano at her peak-babeness look like a feminine Eminem cosplayer. It’s also to note that Paul Dini co-wrote this film. And if you understood what that means it’s quite shocking. I seen this film in theaters. I cannot tell you what I thought of it, but I remember wearing a Chicago Bulls windbreaker. My brain functions like Goofy’s jalopy from an old Disney cartoon.

But it’s good to know that a little over a month later we’d be given yet another gift from the cinema gods. Another wonderful game-to-movie masterpiece that human eyes couldn’t comprehend. Double Dragon may have been a financial and critical bomb but I view it as sacrificing itself for the greater good: Street Fighter the Movie. And it’s been a while since I referenced it.

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Gratuitous JCVD muscle cinematography.

We’ve reached the last page of wonderful ads straight from December 1994‘s issue of Fantastic Force: The World’s Great Fighting Team! What literary garbage will I be polluting your eyes with next time? Well, there’s just so many awful comics offered for mere shillings, how can I resist not feasting my eyes on those capitalistic endeavorers and write extremely overblown blog articles that nobody will read? You’ll always find articles on ancient comic culture right here on ChrisDoesComics. Until next time friends!

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Ad Nauseam: Nightwatch #4

Welcome back inside the nostalgic bubble that I’m afraid to leave because change can be scary. But I want you to know it’s going to be okay because I have a Super Nintendo and a VCR.

In this installment we travel back to July 1994 where we gaze at ads featured in between the pages of comic books you could find stacked next to the overpriced Star Wars Micromachines at your local flea market. Worthless paper to some yet a wondrous time machine to others, these advertisements were probably something you skipped over when reading back in the day. But now they serve as reminders of simpler times through sweet sweet capitalism.

NIGHTWATCH Vol. 1 No. 4, July 1994

Our comic in question tonight is Nightwatch. A character with an obnoxiously long and overly complicated backstory, much like the blog posts you’re reading. Born from the pages of Web of Spider-man, his name was Dr. Kevin Trench, who witnessed a superhero die by the hands of terrorists.  When he unmasked the corpse he realized it was an older version of himself! Trench avoided becoming a superhero at all cost, but due to uprising crime, he decided he couldn’t avoid his destiny and donned the outfit becoming NIGHTWATCH.

Got it? Cool. Now let’s look at 24 year old advertisements together!

Disney’s The Lion King

The Lion King is quite possibly the peak of success for what has been coined The Disney Animated Renaissance that started with The Little Mermaid back in 1989.  From music and story to animation and art direction, this movie was A grade all around. Even with my humorous cynical outlook, I really can’t find any way to rag on The Lion King. Even the poster featured in this comic is captivating. It’s like Disney is looking down on every single animated film that came before it…and unleashing a solid tinkle stream upon it.

I remember the trailer being the Circle of Life opening of the film. I recall myself not wanting to see it because “it looked too realistic and boring”.  Of course my feeble childish brain was wrong. I didn’t know of any kid who didn’t see The Lion King that summer. Many use historic moments/tragedies to pinpoint where you were in life at thatmoment in time. I was staying with my aunt in Clearwater, Florida. I had a Lion King popcorn bucket in which the character of Timon was colored too dark of a brown. That bugged me more than it should’ve. I went to Burger King afterward, and my cousin was jealous that I got a Scar toy in my kid’s meal.

So I ask you this my friends, where were you when The Lion King was released?

Castlevania: Bloodlines on the Sega Genesis

I want to live in this flipping advertisement. 

It meets every single credential for the ChrisDoesComics lifetime achievement award: Spooky, 16 Bit Video Game, Dracula is involved, Headline is a Pun. 

The Castlevania series was something I got into at a much later time because I was an enormous baby that was afraid of everything. But I am grateful for getting into it at all. There’s just something about whipping bats and skeletons into flames that just really appeals to me. This installment was exclusively for the Sega Genesis and told the story of Dracula’s niece starting World War I by trying to resurrect him to take over the Earth. Can you smell Oscar? Can video games get Oscars? Can Dracula himself  at least get an Oscar?

There’s a very slim advertisement aesthetic that truly appeals to me, but I assure you, pumpkin farm spook house meets The Undertaker is IT. Finding this Castlevania: Bloodlines ad is like finding the best kind of pizza with no heartburn repercussions. I think I’m in love.

Beavis and Butthead Fleer Trading Cards

It wouldn’t be a comic ad article without trading cards!

What we’re witnessing here is peak popularity Beavis and Butthead. Untouchable Beavis and Butthead, if you will. While certainly a product of its time, Beavis and Butthead followed our titular heroes in various crude and trashy animated “adventures”  often being strung together by the two riffing popular music videos of the time. While it was crudely animated and the humor teetered on raunchy 4th-8th graders, I was the demographic and I thought it was top-of-the-line cutting edge comedy. Also having the show be “outlawed” by your mom and aired on MTV made it insta-cool.

Beavis and Butthead had everything from toys, video games, comics, and coffee mugs to beer cozies,  an album, underwear, and trading cards. I was barred from having any merchandise in its day (I was even reprimanded for saying the word “sucks“).  And though I was never into trading cards in my youth, you bet your sweet bippy I’d try to be sneaking a pack of these into the shopping cart. The series featured 150 cards featuring artwork pulled directly from the show’s animation cells with additional art and text.

MTV actually brought back the show in 2011. It ran for a season and while it was still “good” and refreshing to see Beavis and Butthead riff on modern pop culture, it’s simply a novelty that had its time.

Crunch ‘N Munch Marvel Edition

You like shoveling garbage into your face? I like shoveling garbage into my face too. You know what I like even more though? Getting rewarded for shoveling garbage into my face. And when you think about it, that’s kind of a bygone era. I mean, eating a peanut butter sandwich, a handful of Crunch ‘N Munch, and a Coke for lunch was never a nutritional thing, but if it led to some Wolverine trading cards and a Spider-man hat? I’ll eat that trash everyday. Difference is I can recognize the longterm health problems now.

The 1990s were a time where breakfast cereals seemed to compete for “Most Cavities Created“, Happy Meals still came with a cheeseburgers, and there was no drinkable water only soda. That’s not bragging, in fact, it’s kind of embarrassing. And having ads like this coupled with a soft impressionable child mind may be why my bones have the consistency of Ritz crackers and my pee smells like french toast. And while junk food is still stocked on our grocery store shelves, “rewards” like this aren’t slapped on the box.

That being said, I’d still gladly down a bucket of greasy chicken skin if it meant I can get a cheap Gambit keychain or Darth Vader flashlight. I don’t know if that’s the American or 90’s kid in me.

And just like that, our time together has come to a close. Listen, I really like seeing you and everything…and I realize just how special our bond is over 24 year old comic books ads. I mean, just coming out and saying that gets you a lot of rejections. So I tell you what, sometime soon we do this again, okay? Maybe it’ll be 25 year old ads…heck maybe 17 year old ads. Either way, you meet me right here. Promise?  *Boop!*

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