brainrotwriting – Page 2 – ChrisDoesComics.com

11/16/202011/09/2020

This 30 Year Old Star Wars Game…

A local toy store I frequent had begun selling online for the first time due to COVID-19 impacting their business. Though nothing stood out to me at first, I decided that I really wanted to feel good about myself that day and let everyone know what an honorable saint I am. Craving that familiar dopamine rush and the possibility of writing about more garbage, I decided to take the plunge on a $9 Star Wars Electronic LCD game.

And here we are.

I may be $9 poorer and have 2 less AA batteries in my life…but in return I’ve gained one more brain rotting article for your reading pleasure! Oh and also the Star Wars game too. That’s right. I got that.

Often referred to as the “We Can’t Afford a Gameboy” gift, these LCD handheld games littered store shelves and junk drawers throughout the 1990s. I was guilty of having some of these games (I recall Jurassic Park and Power Rangers) as they’re known for bringing minutes of entertainment and being no child’s favorite anything. Just insert a couple batteries so these plastic waffles could annoyingly chirp as you tilt it in every possible direction just to see the screen. You then maniacally pound the buttons so it reacts in a manner resembling a real video game. After a few minutes of confusion and irritation you toss it in your sock drawer realizing you were gifted a fire alarm merely disguising itself as Sonic the Hedgehog 2.

Star Wars: THE ELECTRONIC LCD GAME was released in 1991 by Micro Games of America. It’s based on the 1977 indie cult classic called Star Wars. More specifically, the Tie Fighter/X-Wing dogfight from the end of A New Hope. I found out there’s a reissued version with a much cooler face sticker and packaging featuring a gold reflective logo…but here I am with this one. Could’ve put Vader and Luke on it because that’s the part of the movie the game’s based on but…nah…here’s two robots.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

But, as it turns out, this game actually isn’t too bad. Imagine Space Invaders with a dash of Galaga run through a cheap LCD filter and you’ve got this game. The rules are simple: Tie Fighters rush in from the top to the bottom of the screen. You shoot them with your X-Wing. If you miss, the Tie Fighter stalls behind you and may attack while you continue your game. You get hit 3 times…the game is over. There are 8 levels. And the Tie Fighters fly faster with every level. Bada Bing Bada Boom. That’s Star Wars the Electronic LCD game.

The manual doesn’t outright say you’re playing as Luke Skywalker. And there’s no way to “win” the game…you play until you die to get a high score. And we all know Luke doesn’t die in A New Hope (Disney kills him.). So, in my head, I’d like to christen this as Jek Porkins: The Video Game. And, yes, I believe playing in this state of mind does indeed make it better.

The biggest let down for this game was it didn’t play a single Star Wars jingle. You get your generic beeps and boops these games are known for, but at least let me hear a rendered 4 bit chiptune of the Star Wars song. You know the one. We all do. Instead, we get some generic sounding drivel that doesn’t even remotely remind you of any sort of galaxy far far away.

The Radical:

Gameplay is simple and fun
Keeps your high score
Works as a drink coaster

The Lame:

No Star Wars Jingle!
Doesn’t Turn Off
Could’ve used a Vader “Boss” Tie Fighter Level

Overall, I give 3 outta 5 Bib Fortunas

The Official Galactic Rating System on whether De Wanna or Don’t Wanna Wanga

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I have yet to see these types of games “fondly remembered” by my generation. They were primitive (even back then) and the most popular games were “alright” at best. These aren’t anything I seek or collect and view them as “bottom of the barrel” nostalgia grabs. Yet what’s funny is that when I got this in the mail, I still got that jolt of childlike wonderment. I started wondering how it would play and what it would be like. Perhaps I got “one of the good ones?”. I haven’t received one of these games in probably close to 20 plus years, so I found it interesting that when I got this game…my brain registered it as if nothing had changed. I had the exact same thoughts and simmering excitement as I popped the batteries into this thing.

Then the weird electronic carnival music immediately played and I thought, “Oh, that’s right. These were always trash.”

Also if you’re up for some more reading….

04/20/202004/17/2020

Marvel Projectors Action Figures!

In 1994 there were action figures that projected adventures from their chests and I just found out about it…

As an adult, did you ever come across something in the toy aisle you just knew you’d love when you were a child? I ask because in my internet wanderings, I discovered ToyBiz’s Marvel Comics Projectors action figure line circa 1994.

2xQ3KN — “I’m the best there is at what I do and what I do is shoot out pictures from my cartoon show using a giant bulb in my chest…” -Wolverine

Ultra–dope, right? But what really toasts my Pop-Tarts is that I was prime age for these. Yet for whatever reason, I missed them. Unfortunately I do not have a time machine to correct this…but I do have money and an eBay account…which is almost the same thing.

Projectors1 — I really can’t help myself and it’s a problem…

I purchased Magneto, Cable, and Wolverine. Cable still had a Walmart sticker on the box from ’95 retailing for $9.95 ($16.65 with inflation). I honestly just wanted Cable but the same seller offered me a deal: All 3 for $35 including shipping. I couldn’t turn that down. That’s why you’re getting a pointless longwinded article.

Like a ton of X-Men merch from this era, all the packaging was made to look like a comic book cover. Which makes these action figures an eye-catching thing of beauty. Cable’s packaging is different because it came from a later line that offered weapon accessories and “Action Phrases!”. I thought that meant Cable talked…but all it means is the projecting slides have speech bubbles. Well alright.

Projectors2 — When your favorite mutants come over to show you their vacation videos…

While unpackaging these figures I imagined an alternate universe where the X-Men were vain narcissists that went around projecting pictures of themselves out of themselves onto other X-Men as a way to assert dominance. I mean, what better way for Wolverine to show he can beat up Cable by simply projecting a picture of him beating up Cable ON Cable himself? Checkmate, y’know?

Anyway, that’s right the toys. Each figure comes with three plastic adventure “reels” the size of a quarter. You pop two AAA batteries into your favorite mutants back, pull on the projector to snap a reel into their chest, press their butt button to light it up, and click the knob to change the image.

projectors5

The process is pretty dang simple. I was gettin’ all tingly about lighting this bad boy up. I’m quarantined and the only thing I have to look forward to is showers and making coffee, so this was pretty big for me. And the result is surprisingly satisfying. I say “surprisingly” because it’s a tiny 25 year old lightbulb shooting out of an action figure. I wasn’t expecting much…so how good can it actually look?

projectors6 — I mean, it looks good though…

Obviously, the closer your X-Man (?) is to the wall the more vibrant…but if you use this in a room that’s completely dark, the projection actually looks really awesome. And if you have multiple figures? Well…it’s a party folks. Each reel is a different adventure (the one pictured features Wolverine battling Omega Red) and each package came with a mail-away slip where you can receive an X-Men poster and 5 more reels for just $4.25. Ostentatious, dudes! All of the reels are basically fight scenes and X-Men poses, which is to be expected, but I found a sweet Genosha reel…which is great if you’re an old school X-Men-head like myself.

I remember as a child my fear of the dark made my cousin gift me a Batman nightlight to “protect” me. And it was little things like that which made me feel better. To have a parent leave Wolverine to “protect” you at your bedside where you can project his pure “Bezerker Rage” taking up a whole wall in your room is a genius idea. It also makes me seethe a little more missing out on these when I was a child.

Projector

Other than reseller listings, there’s not much information on these action figures. Which, in our age of nostalgia gauging, surprises me because the idea and execution are uniquely AWESOME in their own right. Some browsing reveals ToyBiz produced Power Rangers Projectors around the same time…yet that’s where it seemed to stop.

It started out as just X-Men but soon expanded to Spider-man‘s cartoon as well as the short lived Fantastic Four and Iron Man cartoons. Iron Man is about the only character aesthetically that fits with the Projector line. Yet there is something intoxicating about a giant Lizard man that shoots images from his chest.

THE GOOD

Awesome vibrant packaging
Figures are large and sturdy
Each worked out of the box 25 years later
Good selection of characters for the time
Projector effect is decent

THE BAD

Slides have a slight blur no matter how much you focus
Very basic detail for such large figures
Would’ve liked some actual comic panels instead of just frames from the cartoons
I’m bummed this line never quite took off

The creative possibilities for a toy like this seems endless. I definitely would’ve longed for a Batman that projects the Bat-Signal. Yet the biggest missed opportunity, for me anyway, would be STAR WARS. An R2-D2 that projects Princess Leia or Darth Vader that projects a “hologram” of The Emperor? Take me now. Star Wars characters could project their assigned ships in which you could have them “fly” and “battle” on your wall with appropriate sound effects! Please. I’m dying.

While bummed I didn’t come across just one of these figures as a kid, I’m very grateful to have stumbled upon them decades later and had the opportunity to “play” with them. These are the first toys that come to mind that actually disappoint me with how cool they are. I can’t help but look at them and think “What if?”...which is I guess is fitting for Marvel Comics history. All in all, if you’re into this sort of thing I recommend you pick one up. They don’t go for too much currently, though they might now since my website has such massive influence over the collector market. Thanks for reminiscing over a decades old dead toyline involving spandex clad mutants that shoot pictures from their chests.

projectors4

03/02/202003/02/2020

Super Mario Happy Meal Toys

I bought a plastic sack of Super Mario toys for eight bucks so now I’m gonna write about that.

I love Super Mario. I’ve spent decades playing through this plump plumber’s adventures. And that’s not just nostalgia speaking. Mario games have a history of being innovative, timeless, and fun. He’s viewed as the Mickey Mouse of video games without becoming a soulless corporate mascot hellbent on absorbing everything you cherish for profit.

Mario simply stands a quiet chubby Italian man who loves jumping on everything. And, deep down, aren’t we all ? Click for a picture of me as Super Mario from 13 years ago. Not from Halloween or anything either. Just living life.

So when you’re at a flea market and come across a ziplock of mysterious Super Mario toys for $10, you offer $8. And when you get that ziplock of Super Mario toys for $8, you go home and you write about it for your sad decrepit website damn it.

SMB1 — **Note:** NES, Bowser, and Goomba added for pure *A E S T H E T I C S*

Research revealed this is a complete set of Super Mario toys featured in McDonald’s Happy Meals back in August of 2018. Retro? Definitely not, but covering the Super Mario Bros 3 Happy Meal toys at this point is beating a dead horse. And I happen to like my horses alive…and thriving…and quietly drinking water midday from a wooded creek. That’s how I like my horses. Anyway the Mario toys…

SMB2 — I would have easily snuck one of these in my pencil case when I was a kid as a reminder of my freedoms in the outside world.

My favorite Happy Meal toys as a kid were barebones action figures. This is because I’d incorporate them with my non-Happy Meal action figures for what can only be described as Epic Playtime Crossover-Battles™ that predate the Cinematic Universe craze by decades. Yet 2018’s Super Mario toys are games in their own right featuring a pinball game, a maze game, and a Rubix cube-like puzzle game. My favorite being the 8 bit throwback pinball game which can give you seconds of fun. These are all well made and cool, but unlike the good ‘ol days, I can’t have one of these fight my Robocop. I probably could though honestly.

SMB4 — Note: Yoshi is supposed to be in a cloud of smoke. But it indeed looks like he is melting into my Nintendo. I like both explanations.

Ah, now we’re getting action-figurey! Yoshi “dashes” with the help of his little plastic launcher. He comes with two token targets. Luigi is the same gist with better execution. He comes with a little Goomba and Koopa Troopa target. You put that plastic “fireball” in his hand, wind him back, and he hurls it at those nerds. It’s also pretty rare to get a Fireflower version of Luigi. Especially one that looks so salty. You can possibly make your own targets…like Mario himself…to really further the jealously that fuels the sibling rivalry.

SMB3 — Mario without his hat is like Dracula without his cape. They just become regular dudes.

Don’t worry, there are Mario toys in the Super Mario lot. On the left there’s addictive gambler Mario, where you push his head into a Slot Machine question mark block to test your luck. The Florida Gambling Council actually tried to get this toy recalled as they stated it’s “marketing gambling to children.” Mind you, This is coming from the same state known for an enormous theme park that promises more money more “magic”. And then there’s “Hat Toss” Mario. He operates like “Salty Flame Luigi” but instead tosses his hat onto a target. Think of it as “Manchild Floor Darts” but it comes with a smashed cheeseburger and french fries. Not too shabby. And you also get another rare figure: Hatless Mario. Which is cool and all, but the hat makes the man.

SMB5 — Is this the best toy? YES. Did I play this alone? YES. Did I realize how sad it looked from a different perspective? YES.

This one is my favorite: YOSHI BINGO. It’s a legit game of bingo with Mario inspired flippable cards, little punch pieces, and a radical Yoshi “spinner” to play. That spinner makes it. It’s creative and it’s a game that takes more than 30 seconds to play. It’s a fun gateway to introduce your kids to a game they’ll be taking way too seriously about 70 years down the road. Do you think we’ll have Happy Meals still?

The Good:

Solid variety of features/games
Very well made. Better than a lot of the small in-store Mario toys.
Video Game Characters are “games” themselves. What a concept!
I got these for $1 per toy. Not sure how many gold coins that is.

The Bad:

Not Enough Mario characters (Bowser? Peach? Toad? Donkey Kong?)
Rubix Cube Puzzle thing is clearly the least cool toy
Yoshi Dasher doesn’t “shoot” very far (He was never a runner though)

In conclusion, for a cheap impulse buy and being a big Mario fan…these were really interesting and fun to examine and play. The toys themselves are studier with better paint applications than what I’ve seen in stores. It’s always fun to see where Happy Meal toys are nowadays. Nothing can replace the ones when I was a kid, but I think it’s fair to say that’s nostalgia talking. These are way cooler and a lot of thought went into their designs. I don’t even know if kids play with physical toys nowadays or if a McDonald’s Happy Meal is something they’d crave, but I’d be begging my grandma to stop at the ‘ol Mickey D’s drive-thru for these guys without a doubt.

“Shut up, Christopher…” She’d say. “You need a toy like you need another hole in the head.”

Ah, childhood.

SMB6