Ad Nauseam: Green Goblin #1

Gather ‘round young and old, it’s time to recant faded and torn advertisements found between the pages of your favorite (and forgotten) comic book characters. While this character is simply not forgotten, this version certainly is.

It’s Green Goblin #1 released October 1995!

The Green Goblin is what happens when your worst midlife crisis gets a science degree and a glider. He’s Spider-Man’s most dramatic enemy: part evil genius, part cackling chaos gremlin, all Halloween-themed menace. He shows up, throws pumpkin bombs, yells something unhinged, and makes everyone’s day significantly worse.

Green Goblin #1 is the mantle passing origin capitalizing on the electricity of 1990s Spider-mania. ‘Ol Gobby isn’t Norman Osborn this time around as, instead, his “Goblin Gear” is discovered by a fresh Daily Bugle Intern: Phillip Urich (Ben Urich’s nephew for whatever reason). The issue is surprisingly decent, as it plays out like something one part classic Spider-man and one part Jim Carrey’s The Mask. Crowning a new antihero in the form of a classic Spider-man adversary.

Green Goblin ran 13 issues and concluded one year later: October 1996. I hail this series as a hidden gem (or emerald in this case) as it is consistent with solid artwork and characterization that keeps you surprisingly invested. But, most importantly, it concludes in a very real melancholy way. While protecting the city, Phillip’s goblin gear gets trashed and he can’t fix it. He then loses his internship and boldly deems his superhero days over. He puts the gear back where he discovered it and decides to go back to college. How responsible.

Phillip concludes that he lives in a world of Spider-men and super people. And, while he won’t forget his experience, he’s just not that into being a superhero. The End. Turns out the Green Goblin experience is like a VR headset: interesting for 20 minutes but then you’re like “thanks but I’m good” as you rest it back on the wall holder and walk away.

But, as usual, we’re not here for substance or story. We’re here for the garbage between the adventures. So hop on your gobby-glider thing and fly back to October 1995 as we delve into the advertisements found in Green Goblin #1!

Marvel CD-ROM Comics!

Wave of the future! Interactive comic books? What is this? The Jetsons for cryin’ out loud?!

Personally, I don’t think anything can replace physically reading a comic book; hearing the voices in your own head; seeing the advertisements (duh) and smelling those fresh pages…but what is offered here is pretty neat. Each CD-ROM came with an 80 page issue read by the character in question featuring cutaway scenes from the animated episodes they’re based on. Stan Lee himself introduced each comic in a quick video and there were thorough character bios. And the title menu looped all the awesome intro music from the shows.

Is it the way to read a comic book? No, but the execution made it a worthy novelty. I usually dunk on dated things like this…but this is pretty solid stuff for the time.

I have a link to the Internet Archive in which you can actually download the software for these and witness them for yourself…if you can configure that sort of thing.

X-Men Chef Boyardee

Chef Boyardee is a smart little guy. He knows kids don’t have much of a food pallet. He knows kids like cartoons. He knows if he puts cartoons in the chemical laden canned pasta byproduct, any 8 year old would choose it over an authentic five-star mostaccioli dinner. Plus he can charge parents 68 cents more.

I watch X-men, read X-men, play X-men…but Chef Boyardee made me eat X-Men. And it was so good it made me shout “Mama mia!” while kissing my fingers that I made into an anus-like shape. Even if you didn’t love Chef Boyardee canned “pasta” gruel, this ad at least had you trying a can next time you went to the grocery store. Why? In the most 1995 way possible: POGS. How can you not want to shovel slimy noodle strings and questionable “meat” balls into your mouth? The ad even claims it’s smothered in that authentic Chef Boyardee “secret sauce”! Which I always thought was 45% preservatives, 30% water, and 25% tin can rust.

Over the years nearly every character imaginable has graced the can of Chef Boyardee. From Pac Man and Batman to Ninja Turtles and Smurfs. It’s a proverbial “who’s who” of pop culture but features a dirty microwave and questionable manufacturing.

All jokes aside, Chef Boiardi was a real chef who actually made great pasta from his Italian restaurant in Cleveland, Ohio. It got so popular that he decided to open a factory in Pennsylvania to can it for the masses. The U.S. military commissioned the company during World War II for the production of army rations. See? You learned something new today. Reading this wasn’t completely worthless…just mostly worthless!

Hackers

I appreciate a good cinematic time capsule.

I watched Saturday Night Fever recently and respected the fact that it offered excellent insight into 1970s urban Americana culture. Those who grew up around that time, I can only imagine, have a soft spot for it if only for its aesthetic of fashion, music, slang, and environment. That’s how movies gain staying power. And, if not successful initially, it’s how the “cult classic” is crowned.

Enter 1995’s Hackers.

A cinematic bible for angsty upper middle class boys outcasted by their peers but had the privilege of a home computer. Hackers made a lot of kids that fell in between the cracks feel cool, interesting, and rebellious. In between brooding sessions at Spencer Gifts and the arcade, their home computer could be transformed into a “weapon” for anarchy.

But it was all mostly cringey.

While I don’t love the movie Hackers, as time has moved forward…I think it’s one of the best examples of a film capturing the aura, attitude, and style of the 1990s. From fashion, slang, soundtrack, and environment to the counter culture attitude and approaching technological landscape; Hackers takes me back to an era that is now bygone. And I’ve come to appreciate that.

Sure, it’s goofy and over-the-top. The technical jargon is Hollywood-ized and silly. But it features roller blading goths to a hard techno soundtrack and brought the word “cyberspace” into mainstream use. How can one be upset with a movie like that?

This is also the movie that brought Angelina Jolie to the spotlight that had nearly every man, teen, and boy crushing on her. Jolie’s sex appeal was so strong not even her 3rd grade boy haircut and elf-like aura could dampen it. If you’ve never seen Hackers and always wanted to get a solid feel for that cynical 1990’s attitude (or you want to revisit it) I recommend giving this film a rent and enter a world where anything can be inexplicably hacked: from the Statue of Liberty to your coworker Dave’s calculator.

hAcK tHe PlAneT!

Green Goblin Costume Contest

Okay, so this is a big reason I wanted to cover Green Goblin #1: the last page of this issue advertises a Green Goblin costume contest with the grand prize being every Spider-man animated series action figure available (26 figures in total!).

Long before “cosplay” (as the kids call it) became a mainstream hobby, creating costumes of your favorite characters was reserved for Halloween and the occasional comic book convention held in your local VFW hall or hotel ballroom. Legendary comic culture magazine Wizard would regularly feature homemade costumes of comic book characters sent in by its readers. Along with a yearly Halloween costume contest in which they’d showcase the handful of winners.

Before big budget comic book movies were being churned out in droves, witnessing your favorite deepcut character (and even mainstream ones) was as much as a fantasy as the stories they were printed in. Seeing them “come to life” in this way was always one of my favorite features of Wizard magazine. This was long before Chinese companies produced affordable “cosplays” of nearly any character for around $150. These were made with real creativity and passion. With no accompanying instagram profile or influence. It was just for the pure love of the character.

Unfortunately, I can’t find a trace of this contest anywhere online. And being a Green Goblin fan and rarely seeing a soul dress up as him…I was very interested in seeing what would turn up…especially in 1995. Disappointing, yes, but this contest was backed by Wizard magazine…so I don’t want readers to leave empty handed (or eyed?) so I uploaded some pictures of the results of Wizard magazine’s Halloween costume contest circa 2000.

Not exactly what I want to show…but you get the gist of what I’m saying. Perhaps you just had to be there.

Well, looks like we glided through that issue like a super villain based on Halloween. Did you guys ever realize that too? He’s called the Green Goblin known for wearing a rubber mask, he cackles like a witch, rides a bat shaped glider, and tosses Jack O’Lantern bombs and “razor” bats. He fights “Spider”-man.

I mean, that’s some true Halloween aesthetic right there. And, I’ll admit, it took me too long to realize all that. I guess if he tossed out poison candy corn and had a black cat named “Spirit” or something it would’ve been a little too on the nose.

Thank you for reading the 20th installment of Ad Nauseum; 30+ year old advertisements being written and rambled about as if they’re Dostoevsky or something. I guess some are known for writing about the philosophical depths of man, while others are known to write about low brow capitalism found in between comics meant for kids.

In my defense the Green Goblin is a schizophrenic super villain with a man-purse; talk about existentialism. Until next time true believers!